Dr Farquar on COURTING

I love a man in uniform, so I joined the Salvation Army where I met Gerald Leviticus – a staff sergeant. The trouble is, when I try to woo him with my tambourine, he tells me to beat it. All I want to do is blow his little trumpet and press the right buttons. Eve Asigh

Dr F. My dear girl, get your rank and file to go out and help our lads fighting on the front line. They need pretend soldiers too. You will win the war by flushing out the Taliban. Lets face it…. on a Friday night you clear out the Skinners Arms in minutes.

I have found true love at your local respiratory clinic. Nurse Scuffedknees. I love her with every wheeze in my body . Arty Choke

Dr F. Tell her when your bronchitis is more productive. You can bring it up then.

I am a traffic warden and courting a wheel clamper. Let me tell you how we met. He had parked his lowloader on a restricted zone usually reserved for residents with displayed within expiry date authorisation and legitimate access avoiding a bike route bridle path municipal grid for wheelchair users blocking a community thoroughfare between 8.00hrs and 18.00hrs with opposite lane priority to oncoming stationary vehicles with height restrictions in a one-way ring road zebra crossing hard-shoulder no exit river boat slipway filter system adjacent to a private driveway public footpath. I on the other hand just want a bit of cock. Rita Ticketoot

Dr F. I bet you got on well at the first meeting. No eye contact and constant shaking of the head. Turning completely deaf and walking away from each other, gesticulating wildly while being verbally abused.

I advertised for a Polish lady and arranged to meet her behind the gasworks to teach her the Englishman’s art of romancing a girl. Imagine my surprise when a large woman smoking a fag in a head scarf and washing up gloves turned up, holding a yellow duster and can of Mr Sheen? How did that happen? Harry Arse

Dr F: I saw the ad. It read “I want a woman who is not afraid to get on all fours and do their bit. A good scrubber ready to give me the once over. I prefer to use the best Polish where ever I can.”

You are gross! How many times do I have to tell you how gross you really are? Gert Issues

Dr F. 144.

Why don’t you take me out? I thought we could get to know each other over a short course of strong antibiotics? Tracey Outline

Dr F. Yes. We met when a gust of wind blew you off a 10 story building. It’s just like you fell from the sky into my arms. I think you are my kind of girl. The guys on the 9th 6th and 4th floor all had sex with you on the way down breaking your fall.

As a qualified female gynaecologist you said “What next? Women car mechanics?” As a matter of fact I service my own car and have just put a new clutch in over the weekend. Trix Ovvatrade

Dr F. Yes, but I bet it wasn’t done though the hole in the exhaust.

I’m Mel Ingerer, your jobsharing receptionist . I share all the jobs I don’t want to do myself. If you didn’t drink so much in surgery I would let you shag me in the stationery cupboard but not when you are always covered in vomit and left in the recovery position. ML

Dr F. Picky aren’t you? That was a one-off because I had been working yesterday evening on several different cases. I filled in for my brother who works in Threshers and there was a promotion on offer . I thought they would make me up to evening manager but it turned out to be only Kestrel Superbrew at two for the price of one.

I’m a nun from the “Whose Next For The Odd-shaped Parsnip Sisterhood” Convent for use of exotic and thickly ribbed root vegetables. You son of Lucifer! You told me I was pregnant and so I had to leave my calling in shame. I am penniless with nobody to talk to. I literally have only what I stand up in and a hard bed in a cold room. No change really in my circumstances…but… thats not the point! What is worse is the fact that nine months later there is no baby. I get a second opinion and it turns out it was only trapped wind. I’m not pregnant because you lied to me.

Dr F. It cured your hiccups, so stop moaning.

Are you an anaesthetist? Only when we had sex last night I didn’t feel a thing? Amy Normous

Dr F. Well you are a big girl at 33 stone, but your pre-natal check went well with the use of scaffold and safety harnesses. Take these tablets 3 times daily every other day. Then tomorrow, skip a day, and then resume the course , skipping every other day from then on until the course ends. The tablets won’t help you lose weight but the skipping will.

This is the most romantic thing. I’m one of 24 children. Both my Mum and Dad eventually died. My Mum was the first to go. My Dad inside three months after his wife died of a broken heart. But at least they are both together now. Ivor Handmedown

Dr F. What, her legs?

Good catholic parents should be watching their children very carefully when they are out courting. Steph Upperlip

DR F. Exactly! Why should they have all the fun?

Dr Farquar on Rock & Roll

Rock & Roll

I love rock and roll but was put off slightly by those performers who like to ‘go on the road’? Surely a toilet is more appropriate? Cyth Asizer

Dr Farquar says: I know what you mean. I love those seventies soft rockers now 341 at Tescos. I went in for some ‘Bread’ and ‘Bad Company’ and had to queue with diddywacks to get a small brown uncut.

What’s got three legs and a dick? A drummers stool! Beat that!Barry Kade

Dr F: You can’t fool me with all the musician jokes like “How do you know the stage is level?… Just send the bass guitarist to get some elbow grease and striped paint,” and so on. It’s a sad fact that some bassists are prone to depression so if you see one trying to drown himself, throw him his amp.

If we are to ban Gary Glitter from performing again then we may as well ban Mozart, Beethoven and most other classical composers from live concerts. They all had penchant for pedophilia. Tchaikovsky had a taste for young boys. Amadeus seduced underage girls because he was only five foot nothing. Bach was a little shit too and married his cousin and went on to have 20 children called the Small Faces. Chuck Berry interfered with young girls and went to jail to play with his ding-a-ling! Clive Dunn when he got to number one had lots of little children saying they loved him on national TV … the dirty old bugger. Michael Jackson now lives in Florida in hiding. Some think he’s gone to Tampa with more children. Jools Holland reminds me of my boss when I was a butchers boy proving he is probably a pervert too. Or am I lying? Polly Gram

Dr F: Probably not, I’ve seen the polaroids. Don’t try to preach to me about classic composers. I know them all. Chopping, Meddlesome, Groog, Wanker, and Boney M. In my day there was no such thing as pedophiles. We had to buy our own fecking sweets.

Dr Farquar on Panic Attacks

Panic Attacks

I watch ‘Most Haunted’ and that Yvette and Carl seem to have lots of panic attacks. At home are there laundry issues? Because they seem to shit themselves at the least little thing! Gus Tinnerhall

Dr Farquar says: Yvette is a real panicker. Often she suffers identifying with reality and not being able to make do with her hairdo. I have also heard that all paranormal investigators and psychics like Gordon Smith and Derek Akora are gay, only trying to put the willies up each other.

I’m a suicide bomber that suffers panic attacks. Sometimes I feel I’m about to explode. Said Aldooit

Dr F: Well that’s you all over, or soon will be. I’d like to help but have you thought of the impact you will have on other people? Do what Allah wants in the local garden centre. Lots of fertilizer and nails there. They don’t have gelignite, but a sticky bun instead. Everybody who visits comes in coaches and has a combined age of three million. Two World Wars didn’t do the trick but maybe you can.

I have just got back from Afghanistan and suffer ‘post instamatic dress disorderly.’ Or ‘shellshock’. To demonstrate the symptoms I was fucking shocked at the amount of shells on Scarborough beach. Gary Baldy

Dr F: This Holy war rages on and why? Bin Laden’s Life Insurance salesman has forgotten to cancel his policy.

Dr Farquar and Friends

I have a friend who I want to never lose. After all, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” In fact, I never let him out of my sight because he owes me too much money. Reece Nebble

Dr F: It is true. Friends will always make room for you…in your fridge.

Let’s look at how valuable friends really are:

Friends who never forget your birthday and what’s more, they make sure you never forget theirs.

Friends who go on holiday with you, but deny knowing you at customs.

Friends who offer to babysit. They never do…they just offer.

Friends who don’t mind you taking them for granted. The once.

Friends that are always there for you even when you tell them to go away.

Friends who come bearing gifts they’ve borrowed.

Friends that often give you the shirt off their back…to wash.

Dr Farquar on Clichés

Clichés

I love clichés, especially the broccoli and salmon ones you can 241 in Tescos. Better than piazza anyday. Dick Lecksia

Dr Farquar says: Yes. Word blindness has not worked on your Atkins diet plan, making you a pagan heathen savage. You are back on the crabs and selling your soul to Santa.

My wife said a well known cliché, saying, ‘Look who got out the wrong side of bed this morning’. It’s true . I slept flush against the bedroom wall and as soon as the alarm went off I had to use a jackhammer to make a hole in the outside wall to get out of my bed the wrong side, proving that landing headfirst on a bus shelter at 7.30am in the morning does not improve your mood. Saul Survivor

Dr F: Next time you go ‘up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire’ think the sleeping arrangements through first. Invite a close friend and your wife to let you sleep in the middle. If you try to get out of the bed the wrong side again, the cold knees and sharp elbows of your two bed partners should stop you in your tracks. Try not to wake your wife when you slip out.

I went to see your receptionist for an appointment and said to her, “I have something wrong with my dick!” She seemed shocked and told me off for being too graphic. She suggested in order not to offend patients in the waiting room I should disguise my malady and say something like “I’ve got something wrong with my ear” and then disclose the more intimate details in private to the GP later. I agreed and re-phrased the reasons for my pressing appointment . I said, “OK, I have something wrong with my ear.” She then asked, ” What’s wrong with it?” I answered “I can’t piss out it!” Do I get a prize? Mahatma Coat

Dr F: To add insult to injury it appears there is also a problem with your mouth . Shit is constantly coming out of it.