Dr Farquar's Case History

September 10, 2011

Dr Farquar on Sweets

I like Barratts Sherbert Dabs. The handy liquorice tube and white sherbet
looks great when I’m snorting lines in nightclubs.

Dr F: I bought some Charlie off you and it
was just a bottle of chav cologne.

I love those ricepaper flying
saucers. I’ve made it look like the Martians have landed by taking a human hair
and superglue and suspending one of the sweetie spaceships in front of a
screensaver. I wanted to add a touch of realism and pretend it crash lands in a
barren wilderness of blistered and foreboding landscape. Presto! I found a
screensaver of Corby. Oh look little green men have fallen out of the edible UFO
and are now scattered all over the High St.

Dr F: No. I sneezed over your

I love cough candy twist. If you haven’t got a cough just
glue a pushpin on the side. Voila! A makeshift amber nose piercing.
Perry Gorrik

Dr F: I prefer sucking a
fisherman’s friend but I still get a sore throat. I sucked too hard on a Zube
once and there was a bit of a swell and we both went a bit

I’m from Australia and I have just swallowed a Werther’s
original. 9 months later my baby wants to cover himself in calamine lotion and
listen to Rolf Harris records.

Dr F: No, it was a worthy

I’m into those lemon bon bons. Now I can speak French
fluently but all my teeth have rotted away.

Dr F: Indeed. Proving that an entrepreneur
is a mange tout.

I fucked Bertie Basset and now I have allsorts.
Dee VeeDee

Dr F: Next time
you want to have sex with a sweet, keep it in a bag.

I love those
Brazil nuts in chocolate. I wrap them in clingfilm and they taste as good going
in as they do coming out.

Dr F: They should have come out a

I love Terry’s chocolate orange. I like to have it while
ignoring the radio to avoid the pips.

Dr F: I auditioned for the Milk Tray Advert
but it was easier just getting her key cut.

If you like a lot of
chocolate on your biscuit join our club. Do you know much about Moonies?
Omar Gawd

Dr F: I’ll stick my
arse out for a curly wurly.

A finger of fudge is just enough to give
yourself a treat. A finger of fudge is just enough and very good to eat.  Its
full of peppery goodness and very small and neat but thats just ma nob.
Stan Tareason

Dr F: Finger painting is
fun, but if you would rather not forage anally then a burnt stick is just as
good for drawing pretend moustaches instead.

What’s got a hazel nut
in every bite? Squirrelshit!

Dr F: Can we choose another

Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like chocolate
never tasted before, but not if you have dry leprosy.
Crispin Dry

Dr F:  Well, don’t stand
in this wind, as you are drifting against the front door and don’t rub your
hands together when the muesli is being served.

I loved Spangles. The
green ones. Especially on pizza!

Dr F: You strange person. Don’t you like
Pontefract cakes?

I like Pop tarts. Lil

Dr F: Paula Yates is dead.

The milkybar kid is strong and tough,
Only the best is good
Creamy milk a whiter bar,
The good taste thats in
Milkybar so creamy white,
milkybar…..and thats just ma nob!

Dr F: Stan. You’ve had your go, now piss

A Mars a day helps you work rest and wank. Juan Offmawrist

Dr F: I think we are
all done here.

Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
the shake and vac and put the freshness back
When the room smells fresh so do
Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
Do the shake and vac
and put the freshness back. Praise Allah!

Dr F: (Aww for fucks sake!)


Dr Farquar on NHS Cuts

Gynaecologists have had it up to their neck!

Oncologists want a little growth and will just have to lump it.

Mammogram experts are trying to keep abreast.

The circumcision unit is only left with a few useless tips.

The canteen cook has enough on her plate.

The porters are wanting to push harder, only it’s more of a drag.

Plastic surgeons need a lift because they feel tucked up.

Paramedics thinks the service needs the kiss of life.

Orthodontists are ready to brace themselves.

Podiatrists are defeated.

Stool analysts are just going through the motions and want to drop the

Biopsy specialists feel they are under a microscope.

Pharmacists have lost their bottle.

Respiratory consultants think the cuts are a breath of fresh air.

Organ donors have lost all heart.

Continence nurses don’t give a shit, and as for urine sample couriers, well,
as always, they are just taking the piss!!

The midwifes thought the proposals were throwing the baby out with the

The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists have a gut
feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of

The Obstetricians felt the government were labouring under a

Ophthalmologists considered the idea

Pathologists cried, “Over my dead body!” while the
Paediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole
idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,  and
Graft specialist for the Burns units said, “This puts a whole new face on the

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought
the proposals were a gas, but the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say

Dental hygienists protested by removing the plaque off the hospital

The crash team threw the defibrillator into a canal in outcry and found it up
the river without a paddle.

Speech therapists spoke out but tried to put words in other people’s

The Amputee unit were hopping mad but were completely stumped.

The quadriplegic ward took it lying down but hope in the future to make a
stand and start their own movement.

The physiotherapists wanted to stand on their own two feet and were fed up
with being pulled up on a daily basis.

The chiropodists voted with their feet.

The Fire assessor wanted to stamp it out.

Tinnitus specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

Gynaecologists wanted to keep their hands in and look more closely into

Theatre technicians said “You’ve got to hand it to some of these

Haemorrhoid experts are full of the grapes of wrath.

Dieticians were chewing it over and avoiding radicals.

Geriatric nurses said the proposals had no teeth.

Security personnel don’t want to let their guard down.

Screening specialists are being put to the test.

Crèche assistants have thrown their toy out of the pram.

Lavatory assistants feel somebody is yanking their chain.

Consultants are ignoring and contradicting the cuts to justify their

Surgeons simply cannot ignore the cuts.

Blood transfusion nurses think it takes the biscuit.

Phlebotomists are getting the needle.

The Chaplin is just a little cross.

The Crematorium  undertaker still has burning issues and won’t let the
curtain fall on pay as you urn and thinks that budget plans have gone up in

A.E will get seen last because ‘it’s not a matter of life or death’ only to
have a child jump the queue because he got his head caught in a saucepan.

Care assistants feel they are being spoon-fed lies.

Prostheses creators will be paying an arm and a leg and in future will have
to buy their clothes off the peg.

Ear nose and throat specialists are using any channel they can find

Phlegm examiners want somebody else to cough for change.

Sports injury specialists are feeling the strain and hamstrung.

The falls unit must have slipped up somewhere and are up in arms.

The stitches unit feels that somebody needs to close the gap.

Sensory awareness consultants are feeling the pinch.

The GUM clinic thinks its claptrap.

The sperm bank thinks it’s too little too soon.

The sex education resource wants full protection and somebody to come

The cataract unit want things more clearly defined.

The Hospital Thrift shop don’t ‘want the wool pulled over their eyes’ and if
the cap fits wear it.

Meals on wheels have a staff leftover policy and can dish it out too.

Flatulence experts can smell something in the wind and are about to

Car park attendants think this is their lot.

The Penis and Vagina enhancement studio is talking at length and want it
nipped in the bud.

The charlady thinks it’s a storm in a teacup.

The Hearing Loss advice group have seen all the signs and thinks it lip

Nurses have got their finger on the pulse.

The Admissions department won’t own up to anything.

Hospital lift operators know the gravity of the situation and want to take it
to another level where they believe other doors will be open to them whatever
the ups and downs.

The Incest Advisory Committee are coming into their own.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
arseholes in London.

Dr Farquar on 101 Things

Filed under: Unmentionable Material — doctorfarquar @ 2:58 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Why don’t….

..Police interrogation officers get confessions by pushing the perpetrator into a darkened room with a random upturned 3 pin plug left on the floor.
..can openers have a ‘best by’ date on them?
..1% of household germs wipe out life on this planet?
..aboriginals when they eat grubs feel disgust when we eat caviar?
..we ever remember the exact amount when our parents asked “How many times have I told you…?”
..they invent synchronised drowning?
..we all die laughing?
..houseflies that have 360 degrees vision and hundreds of separate cell eyes in each eye not see a rolled up newspaper?
..they make Marmite a different colour to shit?
.. Mums let you wear dirty underwear in case you don’t end up in a car accident?
.. criminals come up with the perfect crime so we can all commit it?
.. supermarket wardens make obese people park as far away as possible to help them lose weight?
.. prisoners do all our recycling so I can have my life back?
.. stereotypes stop copying each other?
.. placard makers go on strike?
.. people say “have a crap day.” It’s more usual.
.. socks get sold non-matching and save an hour out of everybody’s day?
.. taxi-drivers drive sitting on commodes as they are so full of shit?
.. we all resend our junkmail to No 10 Downing Street?
.. we all eat a catering sized can of baked beans and point ourselves at France?
.. wishbones ever work but are still liable to choke you?
.. the Samaritans tell me to “get a grip and fuck off.”
.. Axemen admit its not as easy as ‘falling off a log’?
.. born again Christians have two birth certificates?
.. the people who build drains put them where I can’t drop my car keys down them?
.. we bring back hanging and do away with tumble driers altogether.
.. the Open University do courses for ugly people so they have to stay in their house.
.. you get ticket touts for British rail?
.. Americans just park a sedan on each other?
.. teenagers shower until they are spotless?
.. people in Slough think a banana isn’t a ballpoint pen?
.. shy catholic doctors preach what they practice?
.. chemical blocks in latrines sting the top of my nob?
.. Jamie Oliver’s lips move at exactly the same time he is speaking?
.. rapstars leave their crib and grow-up?
.. we re-invent the wheel?
.. we hunt down the person who made those stainless steel teapots at service stations and pour them over him so none of the tea ends up on him at all?
..we not just get from A to B and try and experiment with the rest of the alphabet to plot out progress?
..we stop buying boomerangs in case of further comebacks.
..they make curlywurlys in the original size anymore?
..we ever see pictures of whale pooh?
..racists hate marathon runners?
..pilots go around turbulence?
..white-knuckle ride operators make you fill out a risk assessment?
..mobile homes move more than they do?
..mobile phones have a remote control?
..mobiles on cots self-wind so I don’t have to creep in the nursery and re-set it so it doesn’t wake the little bastard up all the time, the noisy little shit? Especially when you try to get ‘em in the sack without waking the parents.
..boating accidents happen more often?
..they do a kleptomaniac Barbie doll with suction cup hands?
..mug shots start in the kitchen cupboard?
..all the magistrates in the land sew their wigs together and hide a wolf inside?
..people that go to night school get marked absent?
..people who look twice believe it the first time?
..people make onions cry?
..people who say they went to a beauty parlour admit it was closed?
.. large volumes of alcohol make you invisible?
..2+2=5. If mathematics were more flexible, more people would use them.
..people who are dwarfs get smaller golf trophies?
..tall people in London trip over in Leicester Square and bump their head on the London eye?
..skeletons who walk into bars ask for a beer and a mop?
..energy saving bulbs light up? Last time I went to the loo, I had to use a lighter for extra clarity on the clean up. I set light to the hairs on my arse which caused a burning discomfort that made me fart unexpectedly. This turned into a jet of flames and set ablaze the toilet paper that was in my hand covered in poop that then took a hold of the curtains and turned my house into an inferno. Seconds later, catching light to the whole street of houses. The wind carried the flames and they ignited a nearby firework factory that caused a spark soon to engulf a stable where a horse got loose. The poor animal, with its blazing saddle, became so demented with terror it fell inside a nuclear reactor causing a meltdown so severe that global civilisation as we know it has only 30 seconds to live. The moral of the story: don’t buy energy saving bulbs that cause Armageddon. They are more likely to annihilate the planet and not save it.
..kindles get left on buses?
..we get paper babies if we marry an old bag?
..we have a watch that really tells the time without having to look at it?
..horses who draw carriages try watercolours?
..we have human flavoured mosquito food we can keep in a small bowl on our heads?
..we use dried rice krispies and milk to affix bathroom tiles?
..we hide our cannabis in care homes to confuse the sniffer dogs?
..we tie tin cans to hearses to cheer everybody up a bit?
..we see Government health warnings on translucent ham?
..we get a taxidermist and shove wadding up their arse, spoon out their eyes, put glass ones back instead and nail a lump of wood to their feet with a little brass plaque saying ‘eat this you fucking weirdo?
..we ‘all rise’ and grab his wig while he is not looking?
..we walk into a bar with jump leads and try and start something?
..we swallow a fob watch just to pass the time?
..we acknowledge that 24 hours in a day and 24 beer in a case is not just a coincidence?
..Avon ladies teach our wives to take orders?
..Fedex and Ups get together and become fed up?
..we fake our death and then wake up at our funeral to see who of our relatives shit themselves first?
..we issue mice to soldiers in Afghanistan to locate IED’s? They could be kept on fishing line to pull them out of the minefield when clear. Mice that explode can be given a medal made from a single sequin and shipped back home in a black durex.
..we kill time and fuck up eternity?
..we see how many of us can get into an outdoor hammock at a garden centre?
..we do bugger all to promote minimalism?
..we go up to people about to suffer laryngitis and let them have the last say?
..we go on The Apprentice and when Lord Sugar says “You’re fired!” We say “You’re ugly but I can always get another job!”
..we invent a time machine that sits outside shopping malls that husbands can clamber into?
..we go to postnatal classes with our wives to learn how to change the baby…say , for instance… “Call of Duty Black Ops.”
..we get some wanking shampoo that tells you to ‘lather rinse and repeat”?
..we have a photobooth competition called “sword-fighting with our nobs”?
..we empty a jar of anchovies inside a pet shop aquarium and put up a sign ”Quiet please! Diddy Koi sleeping.”
..we creep into a day care centre after lunch and while they sleep with their mouths open put their teeth in backwards? Presto! When they wake up ..watch them eat themselves!
..we swap all the kangaroos for elephants and make fucking great holes all over Australia!
..we sellotape all the snails to tortoises and hear them scream “Wheeee!”
..we dress up as ladyboys on a Friday night and pretend to be prostitutes like we always do.
..we stick our head up a 1970’s style bride’s dress and perform oral sex from the window at a British Heart Foundation shop.
..we dress up like caterpillars and turn over a new leaf?
..men forget Viagra and only sleep with snake-charmers?
..we find somebody so fucking stupid and tell them that if they plant cheerios they will get a donut forest and then run and hide and watch them pointlessly water them every day for the next few years.
..we kidnap the child of a dyslexic with Prada Willi Syndrome and Tourettes and then send a ransom note made from Alphabetti Spaghetti and see how long it is before they eat their words?
..we start grinning like a fox eating shit out of a wire-brush and see if other people are as pleased as we are with ourselves?
..we ask God a question that he is never going to know the answer to, like ”If I drove my car at the speed of light would my headlights work?” And if he says , “How the fuck do I know?” we can say “Well, if you can’t answer a simple question on basic physics like that, I don’t want to believe in you anymore.”
While we are having this bit of a chat I have to ask you..

Why did you put my balls on the outside so that on occasions they stick to my legs like superglue or shoot up inside my abdomen when I mount my bike too quickly? Surely they would be better off as elbow protectors or slightly non-symmetrical earrings?

Yes, it sounds like bollocks because it is.

101. Last but by any means least. Why can’t I live with my real ladder instead of a step ladder?

Dr Farquar on Bumper Stickers

Filed under: Unmentionable Material — doctorfarquar @ 2:54 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Laugh at your problems, I do.

Please pass I’m texting.

Medium driving. You will meet a tall parked Range Rover.

Pointless driver. No nipples.

This is my personal hearse.

I’m stopping for a piss soon.

I’m stopping for a shit soon.

I’m stopping for wank soon.

I’m stopping to buy a paper soon.

When in doubt ..mumble.

Impotent driver. No hard feelings.

Stay alert. Only drive when you have thrush.

Quiet please. Deaf driver.

Honk! If you are ejaculating right now.

You are following me but you will never be me.

Change is inevitable except for gormless cunts like you on the road.

I don’t suffer from bad driving. I enjoy it!

My other car’s a dodgem.

My other car’s a ski-lift.

My other car’s a flume.

Off to spec savers!

‘Possessio’ is nine tenths of the law

I’m not as thunk as some tinkle peep I am!

Getting married for sex is like going to the pub for the free peanuts.

It’s OK to laugh during sex, just don’t point!

Crack in glove box.

Stop the war on terror. Kill a politician.

Enjoy safe sex but don’t forget the combination.

Confucious say: Longest journey start with no spare tyre.

I may have Alzeimers but at least I don’t have Alzeimers.

Dr Farquar on Pests

Filed under: Unmentionable Material — doctorfarquar @ 2:50 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

The biggest pests are God Botherer’s at my door on a Sunday. I like to spray ‘Raid’ in their faces. But they still keep coming back. Mona Lott

Dr F: There are no flies on you. Next time when you see their shiny bottoms looking like two eggs in a handkerchief in your street. Do what you did last Sunday while Mr Lott was still asleep upstairs. Open the curtains and spray the windows with shaving foam. Undress completely and start to rub your whole body back and forth against the pane and writhe with abandon in a sensual fashion. But, for a change do it from inside. While it was nice to see your attributes from the comfort of your husband’s armchair I don’t think the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the newspaper boy got the best view.

Pubic lice is a pest. I caught them off you when we got the sand between our toes and a few other places on Scarborough beach. When you said “lets go crabbing” it’s not quite what I had in mind. Lil Scratcher

Dr F: You did say you were itching to go to the seaside.

Is it true a cockroach can survive a nuclear blast? I’m thinking about splitting the atom in my kitchen to find out. Holly Cost

Dr F: Forget it. Your house already looks like bomb has it hit it. Any cockroaches in your house live out their lives at risk from your squalid filth. I know no other patient of mine who hoards vomit by baking it and mounting it on a wall plaque as the only memory of a good night out. You even asked me around to see your favourite collection! That of saliva at the corner of your mouth.

Double glazing sale people are pests. I had one phone me up and I just said I was having a wank and, presto, he hung up. Why don’t people try this at home? Ivor Woody

Dr F: I’m not waiting in all day for a double glazing salesperson to call just so I can have some ‘me’ time.

You’re the biggest pest. Your hands are everywhere. I will complain about sexual harassment. I’m not the only ‘Cleanaway operative’ who has lodged their concerns either. Jess Uzzwell

Dr F: Yes, but there’s something about a man in a bib and brace from Krakow. You can rummage around in my sack anytime.

I have just used that ‘Round-up’ for my garden weeds. I stood on my gazebo and was immediately stampeded by ‘dawgies’. A cowpoke rode up on his mustang and said,”Howdy, I’m just ‘rounding ‘em and movin’ ‘em on” and asked for some coffee and beans and the nearest saloon. That stuff really works! 400 steers herded through your property does kill every dandelion in sight! Hurrah! Rowdy Mates

Dr F: Looking at the state of your conservatory it looks like you’ve already had the cowboys round.

I’m a pest control expert and have managed to eradicate know vermin and rodents from any house anywhere. I work for the CSA. Sienna RhymeorReason

Dr F: Yes, I believe you are also responsible for taking my kids away from me and putting my wife into a refuge. How can I ever thank you enough?

I have tapeworm. It’s great for my figure! I can eat as much as I like and still look painfully thin! Whoopee! When it comes out at night, it can even fetch me a diet coke from the fridge without me having to leave the bedroom. At last a slimming regime and a stretchy extra pair of hands into the bargain that works! Alice Leffed

Dr F: It’s a fact that 60% of us have worms proving the other 40% don’t have gardens.

I come from Vietnam and I have big grey greasy rats that find their way into my pantry. What should do? Hoo Ping Mee Bra

Dr F: Get a cat. It won’t get rid of the rats but it will add variety to your usual restaurant menu. What concerns me is your chef wears jodhpurs and is called ‘Paxo’.

A lot of people are getting badly stung by wasps and some even dying. Some humans have lost their lives too. My Mum gets a small jar and then half fills it with molasses. Dad then punches a small hole in the top of the metal lid and soon hundreds of the little fellas wearing the same strip crawl inside and get trapped and then, drown in the sweet and sticky molasses they love. Ingenious! 1000s of dead wasps on my front doorstep. All stuffed in a jar. Sadly, the jar went missing yesterday. Alvin Safety

Dr F: I do apologise. I was doing my rounds and thought a gift of homemade ‘rough peel with spicy chunks’ damson and lemon rind AKA your kind contribution for the Grunty Fen Harvest festival this afternoon! The vicar’s wife used it to put as a filling in her 50 homemade Victoria sponges. We sold out and raised enough money to get a new inner tube for the vicar’s pushbike. Plus, I get double-time to open the surgery on a Sunday.

I think penises are a protruding, pungent and a pissy pest. No matter how hard I shake, it always dribbles its last onto my shoes. Dick Dragon

Dr F: Do you want me to stand further away next time?

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