Dr Farquar's Case History

September 10, 2011

Dr Farquar on Sweets

I like Barratts Sherbert Dabs. The handy liquorice tube and white sherbet
looks great when I’m snorting lines in nightclubs.

Dr F: I bought some Charlie off you and it
was just a bottle of chav cologne.

I love those ricepaper flying
saucers. I’ve made it look like the Martians have landed by taking a human hair
and superglue and suspending one of the sweetie spaceships in front of a
screensaver. I wanted to add a touch of realism and pretend it crash lands in a
barren wilderness of blistered and foreboding landscape. Presto! I found a
screensaver of Corby. Oh look little green men have fallen out of the edible UFO
and are now scattered all over the High St.

Dr F: No. I sneezed over your

I love cough candy twist. If you haven’t got a cough just
glue a pushpin on the side. Voila! A makeshift amber nose piercing.
Perry Gorrik

Dr F: I prefer sucking a
fisherman’s friend but I still get a sore throat. I sucked too hard on a Zube
once and there was a bit of a swell and we both went a bit

I’m from Australia and I have just swallowed a Werther’s
original. 9 months later my baby wants to cover himself in calamine lotion and
listen to Rolf Harris records.

Dr F: No, it was a worthy

I’m into those lemon bon bons. Now I can speak French
fluently but all my teeth have rotted away.

Dr F: Indeed. Proving that an entrepreneur
is a mange tout.

I fucked Bertie Basset and now I have allsorts.
Dee VeeDee

Dr F: Next time
you want to have sex with a sweet, keep it in a bag.

I love those
Brazil nuts in chocolate. I wrap them in clingfilm and they taste as good going
in as they do coming out.

Dr F: They should have come out a

I love Terry’s chocolate orange. I like to have it while
ignoring the radio to avoid the pips.

Dr F: I auditioned for the Milk Tray Advert
but it was easier just getting her key cut.

If you like a lot of
chocolate on your biscuit join our club. Do you know much about Moonies?
Omar Gawd

Dr F: I’ll stick my
arse out for a curly wurly.

A finger of fudge is just enough to give
yourself a treat. A finger of fudge is just enough and very good to eat.  Its
full of peppery goodness and very small and neat but thats just ma nob.
Stan Tareason

Dr F: Finger painting is
fun, but if you would rather not forage anally then a burnt stick is just as
good for drawing pretend moustaches instead.

What’s got a hazel nut
in every bite? Squirrelshit!

Dr F: Can we choose another

Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like chocolate
never tasted before, but not if you have dry leprosy.
Crispin Dry

Dr F:  Well, don’t stand
in this wind, as you are drifting against the front door and don’t rub your
hands together when the muesli is being served.

I loved Spangles. The
green ones. Especially on pizza!

Dr F: You strange person. Don’t you like
Pontefract cakes?

I like Pop tarts. Lil

Dr F: Paula Yates is dead.

The milkybar kid is strong and tough,
Only the best is good
Creamy milk a whiter bar,
The good taste thats in
Milkybar so creamy white,
milkybar…..and thats just ma nob!

Dr F: Stan. You’ve had your go, now piss

A Mars a day helps you work rest and wank. Juan Offmawrist

Dr F: I think we are
all done here.

Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
the shake and vac and put the freshness back
When the room smells fresh so do
Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
Do the shake and vac
and put the freshness back. Praise Allah!

Dr F: (Aww for fucks sake!)


Dr Farquar on NHS Cuts

Gynaecologists have had it up to their neck!

Oncologists want a little growth and will just have to lump it.

Mammogram experts are trying to keep abreast.

The circumcision unit is only left with a few useless tips.

The canteen cook has enough on her plate.

The porters are wanting to push harder, only it’s more of a drag.

Plastic surgeons need a lift because they feel tucked up.

Paramedics thinks the service needs the kiss of life.

Orthodontists are ready to brace themselves.

Podiatrists are defeated.

Stool analysts are just going through the motions and want to drop the

Biopsy specialists feel they are under a microscope.

Pharmacists have lost their bottle.

Respiratory consultants think the cuts are a breath of fresh air.

Organ donors have lost all heart.

Continence nurses don’t give a shit, and as for urine sample couriers, well,
as always, they are just taking the piss!!

The midwifes thought the proposals were throwing the baby out with the

The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists have a gut
feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of

The Obstetricians felt the government were labouring under a

Ophthalmologists considered the idea

Pathologists cried, “Over my dead body!” while the
Paediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole
idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,  and
Graft specialist for the Burns units said, “This puts a whole new face on the

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought
the proposals were a gas, but the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say

Dental hygienists protested by removing the plaque off the hospital

The crash team threw the defibrillator into a canal in outcry and found it up
the river without a paddle.

Speech therapists spoke out but tried to put words in other people’s

The Amputee unit were hopping mad but were completely stumped.

The quadriplegic ward took it lying down but hope in the future to make a
stand and start their own movement.

The physiotherapists wanted to stand on their own two feet and were fed up
with being pulled up on a daily basis.

The chiropodists voted with their feet.

The Fire assessor wanted to stamp it out.

Tinnitus specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

Gynaecologists wanted to keep their hands in and look more closely into

Theatre technicians said “You’ve got to hand it to some of these

Haemorrhoid experts are full of the grapes of wrath.

Dieticians were chewing it over and avoiding radicals.

Geriatric nurses said the proposals had no teeth.

Security personnel don’t want to let their guard down.

Screening specialists are being put to the test.

Crèche assistants have thrown their toy out of the pram.

Lavatory assistants feel somebody is yanking their chain.

Consultants are ignoring and contradicting the cuts to justify their

Surgeons simply cannot ignore the cuts.

Blood transfusion nurses think it takes the biscuit.

Phlebotomists are getting the needle.

The Chaplin is just a little cross.

The Crematorium  undertaker still has burning issues and won’t let the
curtain fall on pay as you urn and thinks that budget plans have gone up in

A.E will get seen last because ‘it’s not a matter of life or death’ only to
have a child jump the queue because he got his head caught in a saucepan.

Care assistants feel they are being spoon-fed lies.

Prostheses creators will be paying an arm and a leg and in future will have
to buy their clothes off the peg.

Ear nose and throat specialists are using any channel they can find

Phlegm examiners want somebody else to cough for change.

Sports injury specialists are feeling the strain and hamstrung.

The falls unit must have slipped up somewhere and are up in arms.

The stitches unit feels that somebody needs to close the gap.

Sensory awareness consultants are feeling the pinch.

The GUM clinic thinks its claptrap.

The sperm bank thinks it’s too little too soon.

The sex education resource wants full protection and somebody to come

The cataract unit want things more clearly defined.

The Hospital Thrift shop don’t ‘want the wool pulled over their eyes’ and if
the cap fits wear it.

Meals on wheels have a staff leftover policy and can dish it out too.

Flatulence experts can smell something in the wind and are about to

Car park attendants think this is their lot.

The Penis and Vagina enhancement studio is talking at length and want it
nipped in the bud.

The charlady thinks it’s a storm in a teacup.

The Hearing Loss advice group have seen all the signs and thinks it lip

Nurses have got their finger on the pulse.

The Admissions department won’t own up to anything.

Hospital lift operators know the gravity of the situation and want to take it
to another level where they believe other doors will be open to them whatever
the ups and downs.

The Incest Advisory Committee are coming into their own.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
arseholes in London.

April 21, 2009

Dr Farquar on Surviving Insanity

Surviving Insanity

Why is yawning contagious? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar says: It is mimic behaviour. When my patients start talking about headlice or scabies I begin to itch and scratch. Likewise when somebody yawns in your company, you will yawn too. It’s not a sleep disorder or fatigue. It’s because you are one boring bastard.

All things considered is insanity the only alternative? (Contributed by J.J.)

Dr F: Here are some refreshing ways to prove you are insane when wanting to get fired from your job:

Before anyone else is in the office connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.

Surround your computer and desk with lit tea lights in the shape of a Pentagram. Make a small ritual sacrifice of a slice of takeaway pizza to the computer before you turn it on each morning for a month. If questioned say you are bringing the elements of the universe into one place in order to become a spiritual guide for the entire organisation you work for.

If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.

Print a picture of a naked woman off a sex site. Tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

Record all the burps your friends and you have mustered after drinking a crate of beer the night before and play it back on your office CD Rom when the supervisor is close by. (more…)

August 26, 2008

Dr Farquar on Phobias


I have many Phobias and clearly I don’t know what to do next. Needless to say I have my fear of writing this letter which is called Scriptophobia. Maybe that’s why I didn’t phone or email you either because I have Telephonophobia and Cyberphobia. It’s just a miracle I don’t have a fear of smoke signals! Sorry about the spelling and thank you for the use of a T towel. Penny Kneeass

Dr Farquar says: I will have to test you for Genophobia in that case. Or, less commonly known as, the fear of sex. It’s a shame your parents were not sufferers. So please go behind the curtain and take your clothes off first and then mine. Now, face the wall making a star shape along with all the other contestants.

I want to overcome my phobia called Gymnophobia, or fear of nakedness. However, this is not to be confused with Nudophobia: That’s a fear of self-nudity, as showering with your clothes on takes a lot longer, and galoshes and anoraks are a simple waste of shampoo. Jonah Wank

Dr F: Being in the ‘nip’ is perfectly natural for me but, understandably, some of my patients are shy to disrobe. I like to use reverse psychology and break with orthodox practice by exposing myself to my patients whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Thus my new non-threatening and relaxed stance will quell your own fear of erect penises or Phallophobia and will soon be a thing of the past. Well, in about forty five seconds actually, if I can wait that long, and you do exactly as I tell you.

You exposed yourself to my Grandmother last week and left her with Microphobia: A fear of small things. Tania Hyde

Dr F: Next. (more…)

June 26, 2008

Dr Farquar on Eating Disorders

Eating Disorders

I blame my parents for me being a cannibal bulimic. They have both been eating me from an early age. I am sorry I keep bringing them up but they really make me sick. Pip Mahorn

Dr Farquar says: Yes, it seems your kith and kin are quite hard to swallow. Leave them at the side of the plate in future.

I am 83 yrs old with associated varicose tongue and like to smuggle food and drink through customs. I was caught at Gatport Airwick with a polo mint and just over a litre of mucus. They confiscated my Phlegm jar in the interest of National security. The custom officer insisted I have my stomach pumped so I let him sh*g me. Tish Yoo

Dr F: Now I know why they call it Easyjet. Yes, we are known in the UK for even stranger customs at airports. For instance our baggage handlers live in curious maisonettes with their step parents and are trained how to use a wheelbarrow to force them to stand on their hind-legs.

Does this “I beat anorexia T-shirt” make my bum look big in this helicopter? Prince Harry

Dr F: Oh dear! Don’t take after your Mum like that and always wear a seatbelt. Always eat as much as possible before you lose your appetite. Be careful, your Royal Highchair. Beware if your chopper starts revolving faster where you are sitting and the top bit stays still. (more…)

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