Dr Farquar's Case History

September 10, 2011

Dr Farquar on Sweets

I like Barratts Sherbert Dabs. The handy liquorice tube and white sherbet
looks great when I’m snorting lines in nightclubs.

Dr F: I bought some Charlie off you and it
was just a bottle of chav cologne.

I love those ricepaper flying
saucers. I’ve made it look like the Martians have landed by taking a human hair
and superglue and suspending one of the sweetie spaceships in front of a
screensaver. I wanted to add a touch of realism and pretend it crash lands in a
barren wilderness of blistered and foreboding landscape. Presto! I found a
screensaver of Corby. Oh look little green men have fallen out of the edible UFO
and are now scattered all over the High St.

Dr F: No. I sneezed over your

I love cough candy twist. If you haven’t got a cough just
glue a pushpin on the side. Voila! A makeshift amber nose piercing.
Perry Gorrik

Dr F: I prefer sucking a
fisherman’s friend but I still get a sore throat. I sucked too hard on a Zube
once and there was a bit of a swell and we both went a bit

I’m from Australia and I have just swallowed a Werther’s
original. 9 months later my baby wants to cover himself in calamine lotion and
listen to Rolf Harris records.

Dr F: No, it was a worthy

I’m into those lemon bon bons. Now I can speak French
fluently but all my teeth have rotted away.

Dr F: Indeed. Proving that an entrepreneur
is a mange tout.

I fucked Bertie Basset and now I have allsorts.
Dee VeeDee

Dr F: Next time
you want to have sex with a sweet, keep it in a bag.

I love those
Brazil nuts in chocolate. I wrap them in clingfilm and they taste as good going
in as they do coming out.

Dr F: They should have come out a

I love Terry’s chocolate orange. I like to have it while
ignoring the radio to avoid the pips.

Dr F: I auditioned for the Milk Tray Advert
but it was easier just getting her key cut.

If you like a lot of
chocolate on your biscuit join our club. Do you know much about Moonies?
Omar Gawd

Dr F: I’ll stick my
arse out for a curly wurly.

A finger of fudge is just enough to give
yourself a treat. A finger of fudge is just enough and very good to eat.  Its
full of peppery goodness and very small and neat but thats just ma nob.
Stan Tareason

Dr F: Finger painting is
fun, but if you would rather not forage anally then a burnt stick is just as
good for drawing pretend moustaches instead.

What’s got a hazel nut
in every bite? Squirrelshit!

Dr F: Can we choose another

Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like chocolate
never tasted before, but not if you have dry leprosy.
Crispin Dry

Dr F:  Well, don’t stand
in this wind, as you are drifting against the front door and don’t rub your
hands together when the muesli is being served.

I loved Spangles. The
green ones. Especially on pizza!

Dr F: You strange person. Don’t you like
Pontefract cakes?

I like Pop tarts. Lil

Dr F: Paula Yates is dead.

The milkybar kid is strong and tough,
Only the best is good
Creamy milk a whiter bar,
The good taste thats in
Milkybar so creamy white,
milkybar…..and thats just ma nob!

Dr F: Stan. You’ve had your go, now piss

A Mars a day helps you work rest and wank. Juan Offmawrist

Dr F: I think we are
all done here.

Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
the shake and vac and put the freshness back
When the room smells fresh so do
Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
Do the shake and vac
and put the freshness back. Praise Allah!

Dr F: (Aww for fucks sake!)


Dr Farquar on NHS Cuts

Gynaecologists have had it up to their neck!

Oncologists want a little growth and will just have to lump it.

Mammogram experts are trying to keep abreast.

The circumcision unit is only left with a few useless tips.

The canteen cook has enough on her plate.

The porters are wanting to push harder, only it’s more of a drag.

Plastic surgeons need a lift because they feel tucked up.

Paramedics thinks the service needs the kiss of life.

Orthodontists are ready to brace themselves.

Podiatrists are defeated.

Stool analysts are just going through the motions and want to drop the

Biopsy specialists feel they are under a microscope.

Pharmacists have lost their bottle.

Respiratory consultants think the cuts are a breath of fresh air.

Organ donors have lost all heart.

Continence nurses don’t give a shit, and as for urine sample couriers, well,
as always, they are just taking the piss!!

The midwifes thought the proposals were throwing the baby out with the

The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists have a gut
feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of

The Obstetricians felt the government were labouring under a

Ophthalmologists considered the idea

Pathologists cried, “Over my dead body!” while the
Paediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole
idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,  and
Graft specialist for the Burns units said, “This puts a whole new face on the

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought
the proposals were a gas, but the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say

Dental hygienists protested by removing the plaque off the hospital

The crash team threw the defibrillator into a canal in outcry and found it up
the river without a paddle.

Speech therapists spoke out but tried to put words in other people’s

The Amputee unit were hopping mad but were completely stumped.

The quadriplegic ward took it lying down but hope in the future to make a
stand and start their own movement.

The physiotherapists wanted to stand on their own two feet and were fed up
with being pulled up on a daily basis.

The chiropodists voted with their feet.

The Fire assessor wanted to stamp it out.

Tinnitus specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

Gynaecologists wanted to keep their hands in and look more closely into

Theatre technicians said “You’ve got to hand it to some of these

Haemorrhoid experts are full of the grapes of wrath.

Dieticians were chewing it over and avoiding radicals.

Geriatric nurses said the proposals had no teeth.

Security personnel don’t want to let their guard down.

Screening specialists are being put to the test.

Crèche assistants have thrown their toy out of the pram.

Lavatory assistants feel somebody is yanking their chain.

Consultants are ignoring and contradicting the cuts to justify their

Surgeons simply cannot ignore the cuts.

Blood transfusion nurses think it takes the biscuit.

Phlebotomists are getting the needle.

The Chaplin is just a little cross.

The Crematorium  undertaker still has burning issues and won’t let the
curtain fall on pay as you urn and thinks that budget plans have gone up in

A.E will get seen last because ‘it’s not a matter of life or death’ only to
have a child jump the queue because he got his head caught in a saucepan.

Care assistants feel they are being spoon-fed lies.

Prostheses creators will be paying an arm and a leg and in future will have
to buy their clothes off the peg.

Ear nose and throat specialists are using any channel they can find

Phlegm examiners want somebody else to cough for change.

Sports injury specialists are feeling the strain and hamstrung.

The falls unit must have slipped up somewhere and are up in arms.

The stitches unit feels that somebody needs to close the gap.

Sensory awareness consultants are feeling the pinch.

The GUM clinic thinks its claptrap.

The sperm bank thinks it’s too little too soon.

The sex education resource wants full protection and somebody to come

The cataract unit want things more clearly defined.

The Hospital Thrift shop don’t ‘want the wool pulled over their eyes’ and if
the cap fits wear it.

Meals on wheels have a staff leftover policy and can dish it out too.

Flatulence experts can smell something in the wind and are about to

Car park attendants think this is their lot.

The Penis and Vagina enhancement studio is talking at length and want it
nipped in the bud.

The charlady thinks it’s a storm in a teacup.

The Hearing Loss advice group have seen all the signs and thinks it lip

Nurses have got their finger on the pulse.

The Admissions department won’t own up to anything.

Hospital lift operators know the gravity of the situation and want to take it
to another level where they believe other doors will be open to them whatever
the ups and downs.

The Incest Advisory Committee are coming into their own.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
arseholes in London.

April 25, 2009

Dr Farquar on Household Hints

Household Hints

To make a stretcher for a man who drinks too much take a long piece of canvas (the sort you would find on a deckchair) and steal two stout clothes props. Nail the longer sides of the canvas to the poles each side. Get ratarsed and shitfaced and then place the stretcher on the ground outside a pub and lay upon it taking care not to lose any change you have left out of eighty quid. Presto! In no time at all you will have two other pissheads stumble upon you and try with partial success to carry you to the next pub. As a precaution wear bubble wrap on your elbows in case you are repeatedly dropped or stuck in a hedge vertically and thus abandoned to piss yourself just a few yards from your home. Unless you are rescued by the milkman at around 4 am ..Maybe you will hear him ‘ tinkling away’ first if you haven’t already? Greg Arious

Dr Farquar says: Ingenious. Just think if you lived here you would be home by now. I expect that you share a lot in common with your wife. Like..err being married on the same day. (more…)

April 21, 2009

Dr Farquar on Growing Up

Growing Up

How did I get to fifty years old without one risk assessment or health action plan? Am I a total f*ckwit? (By Fooge)

Dr Farquar says: So what. I ran through the house with a pair of scissors as a kid and am still here to tell the tale.

When we were kids we did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cellphones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We went out on our bikes in the morning and as long as we were ‘home before the streetlights came on’ our parents had no cause to worry. Football teams had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Footballers were just local lads and their talent was measured by talent and not a seven figure price-tag. Imagine that!! You bathed once a week in a tin bath filled by the kettle with your sister on a Wednesday night until you were fifteen years old and then if there wasn’t enough carbolic soap to go around you had to the swimming baths to finish the job and get clean. Nobody caught MRSA!

We were out bike-riding, scrumping, fishing or building a den or tree-house in the local wood.

Parents today are breeding social cripples not character personalities. Very sadly, kids today are still bored with all of the gadgets they have and don’t even know what it is like to make a conversation without sounding like Vicki Pollard.

I hope mine all get curvature of the spine and DVT hunched over their game-boys, the idle little bastards. As a fulltime nursery assistant it’s really hard to beat kids in my care without leaving upper body marks or somebody grassing me up. What shall I do? Get another NVQ assessor? (By Fooge)

Dr F: You poor thing. As a child I often ate a mud-pie with worms and was allowed to play with lead painted razor sharp tin soldiers. I made a go-kart out of an old pram and lived on lashings of butter or dripping on burnt toast and tripe and cowheels for Sunday. My comics had war cartoons of carnage and speech bubbles like “Eat this you sausage-eating Nazi scoundrel” and on the next page the bullet riddled Jerry would say “Himmel, bitter! Not before I kill you first …Die you filthy stinkin’ English pig-dog!” (more…)

April 20, 2009

Dr Farquar’s Home Truths

Home Truths

I met my lover at camera club and we just seem to click. Deptha Field

Dr Farquar says: So do your hips and ill-fitting dentures. Now you have digital photography, lets hope you don’t develop something else. Keep me in the picture.

I’m a mime artist and got arrested for pretending to drive a car through a shopping centre. Do I still have the right to remain silent? Sam Difrance

Dr F: Look on the bright side you won’t have to make a series of overstated gestures to give the impression of being in a confined space anymore. The real problem for you is that, if you died of a heart attack during your routine in your own cell, nobody would give a shit.

My deaf lesbian dwarf red setter girlfriend is morbidly obese. In other words she listens to the blues while she is stuffing her face with chicken. She loves food so much she just opens her mouth and walks forward. She even has edible cutlery and I have to nail the tablecloth down.. Fatima Ears

Dr F: Why not climb inside the bucket of chicken first before she opens it? Imagine her surprise when she sees you waiting in the wings.

Why does a crabstick look like a lobster’s erection? Madge Yalook

Dr F: Indeed. Whelks look like vaginas too, but that doesn’t give you the right to use too much vinegar and pepper ruining the natural taste. (more…)

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