Dr Farquar's Case History

September 10, 2011

Dr Farquar on Sweets

I like Barratts Sherbert Dabs. The handy liquorice tube and white sherbet
looks great when I’m snorting lines in nightclubs.

Dr F: I bought some Charlie off you and it
was just a bottle of chav cologne.

I love those ricepaper flying
saucers. I’ve made it look like the Martians have landed by taking a human hair
and superglue and suspending one of the sweetie spaceships in front of a
screensaver. I wanted to add a touch of realism and pretend it crash lands in a
barren wilderness of blistered and foreboding landscape. Presto! I found a
screensaver of Corby. Oh look little green men have fallen out of the edible UFO
and are now scattered all over the High St.

Dr F: No. I sneezed over your

I love cough candy twist. If you haven’t got a cough just
glue a pushpin on the side. Voila! A makeshift amber nose piercing.
Perry Gorrik

Dr F: I prefer sucking a
fisherman’s friend but I still get a sore throat. I sucked too hard on a Zube
once and there was a bit of a swell and we both went a bit

I’m from Australia and I have just swallowed a Werther’s
original. 9 months later my baby wants to cover himself in calamine lotion and
listen to Rolf Harris records.

Dr F: No, it was a worthy

I’m into those lemon bon bons. Now I can speak French
fluently but all my teeth have rotted away.

Dr F: Indeed. Proving that an entrepreneur
is a mange tout.

I fucked Bertie Basset and now I have allsorts.
Dee VeeDee

Dr F: Next time
you want to have sex with a sweet, keep it in a bag.

I love those
Brazil nuts in chocolate. I wrap them in clingfilm and they taste as good going
in as they do coming out.

Dr F: They should have come out a

I love Terry’s chocolate orange. I like to have it while
ignoring the radio to avoid the pips.

Dr F: I auditioned for the Milk Tray Advert
but it was easier just getting her key cut.

If you like a lot of
chocolate on your biscuit join our club. Do you know much about Moonies?
Omar Gawd

Dr F: I’ll stick my
arse out for a curly wurly.

A finger of fudge is just enough to give
yourself a treat. A finger of fudge is just enough and very good to eat.  Its
full of peppery goodness and very small and neat but thats just ma nob.
Stan Tareason

Dr F: Finger painting is
fun, but if you would rather not forage anally then a burnt stick is just as
good for drawing pretend moustaches instead.

What’s got a hazel nut
in every bite? Squirrelshit!

Dr F: Can we choose another

Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like chocolate
never tasted before, but not if you have dry leprosy.
Crispin Dry

Dr F:  Well, don’t stand
in this wind, as you are drifting against the front door and don’t rub your
hands together when the muesli is being served.

I loved Spangles. The
green ones. Especially on pizza!

Dr F: You strange person. Don’t you like
Pontefract cakes?

I like Pop tarts. Lil

Dr F: Paula Yates is dead.

The milkybar kid is strong and tough,
Only the best is good
Creamy milk a whiter bar,
The good taste thats in
Milkybar so creamy white,
milkybar…..and thats just ma nob!

Dr F: Stan. You’ve had your go, now piss

A Mars a day helps you work rest and wank. Juan Offmawrist

Dr F: I think we are
all done here.

Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
the shake and vac and put the freshness back
When the room smells fresh so do
Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
Do the shake and vac
and put the freshness back. Praise Allah!

Dr F: (Aww for fucks sake!)


Dr Farquar on NHS Cuts

Gynaecologists have had it up to their neck!

Oncologists want a little growth and will just have to lump it.

Mammogram experts are trying to keep abreast.

The circumcision unit is only left with a few useless tips.

The canteen cook has enough on her plate.

The porters are wanting to push harder, only it’s more of a drag.

Plastic surgeons need a lift because they feel tucked up.

Paramedics thinks the service needs the kiss of life.

Orthodontists are ready to brace themselves.

Podiatrists are defeated.

Stool analysts are just going through the motions and want to drop the

Biopsy specialists feel they are under a microscope.

Pharmacists have lost their bottle.

Respiratory consultants think the cuts are a breath of fresh air.

Organ donors have lost all heart.

Continence nurses don’t give a shit, and as for urine sample couriers, well,
as always, they are just taking the piss!!

The midwifes thought the proposals were throwing the baby out with the

The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists have a gut
feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of

The Obstetricians felt the government were labouring under a

Ophthalmologists considered the idea

Pathologists cried, “Over my dead body!” while the
Paediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole
idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,  and
Graft specialist for the Burns units said, “This puts a whole new face on the

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought
the proposals were a gas, but the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say

Dental hygienists protested by removing the plaque off the hospital

The crash team threw the defibrillator into a canal in outcry and found it up
the river without a paddle.

Speech therapists spoke out but tried to put words in other people’s

The Amputee unit were hopping mad but were completely stumped.

The quadriplegic ward took it lying down but hope in the future to make a
stand and start their own movement.

The physiotherapists wanted to stand on their own two feet and were fed up
with being pulled up on a daily basis.

The chiropodists voted with their feet.

The Fire assessor wanted to stamp it out.

Tinnitus specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

Gynaecologists wanted to keep their hands in and look more closely into

Theatre technicians said “You’ve got to hand it to some of these

Haemorrhoid experts are full of the grapes of wrath.

Dieticians were chewing it over and avoiding radicals.

Geriatric nurses said the proposals had no teeth.

Security personnel don’t want to let their guard down.

Screening specialists are being put to the test.

Crèche assistants have thrown their toy out of the pram.

Lavatory assistants feel somebody is yanking their chain.

Consultants are ignoring and contradicting the cuts to justify their

Surgeons simply cannot ignore the cuts.

Blood transfusion nurses think it takes the biscuit.

Phlebotomists are getting the needle.

The Chaplin is just a little cross.

The Crematorium  undertaker still has burning issues and won’t let the
curtain fall on pay as you urn and thinks that budget plans have gone up in

A.E will get seen last because ‘it’s not a matter of life or death’ only to
have a child jump the queue because he got his head caught in a saucepan.

Care assistants feel they are being spoon-fed lies.

Prostheses creators will be paying an arm and a leg and in future will have
to buy their clothes off the peg.

Ear nose and throat specialists are using any channel they can find

Phlegm examiners want somebody else to cough for change.

Sports injury specialists are feeling the strain and hamstrung.

The falls unit must have slipped up somewhere and are up in arms.

The stitches unit feels that somebody needs to close the gap.

Sensory awareness consultants are feeling the pinch.

The GUM clinic thinks its claptrap.

The sperm bank thinks it’s too little too soon.

The sex education resource wants full protection and somebody to come

The cataract unit want things more clearly defined.

The Hospital Thrift shop don’t ‘want the wool pulled over their eyes’ and if
the cap fits wear it.

Meals on wheels have a staff leftover policy and can dish it out too.

Flatulence experts can smell something in the wind and are about to

Car park attendants think this is their lot.

The Penis and Vagina enhancement studio is talking at length and want it
nipped in the bud.

The charlady thinks it’s a storm in a teacup.

The Hearing Loss advice group have seen all the signs and thinks it lip

Nurses have got their finger on the pulse.

The Admissions department won’t own up to anything.

Hospital lift operators know the gravity of the situation and want to take it
to another level where they believe other doors will be open to them whatever
the ups and downs.

The Incest Advisory Committee are coming into their own.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
arseholes in London.

April 26, 2009

Dr Farquar on Culture


By Jingo! Why do Calvinistic priests advise the missionary position when it is clear they prefer Revelation’s ‘two-backed beast’. Walter Shock

Dr Farquar says: That’s lay preachers for you. This eye to eye shagging principle for boring straight people was invented by impotent priests and thought best for the ‘lesser races’ by their local clergy in the days when it wasn’t even called sex at all. It was named the ‘sin of the flesh’ and using dirty nasty willies and playing with each others icky sticky twiddley bits was something your local vicar’s wife hated. So, sex was very much a reluctant face to face activity and any other foraging including the use of tongues and clothes brushes were banned.

Personally I would adopt a very different position. This draconian maxim smacks of a male dominated imperialist class society. What’s wrong, for instance, with being totally f*cked by socialism for a change? More importantly, when will women come out on top on this issue?

It is our culture for the government to sell overpriced cigarettes to smokers with a sign on each pack saying they intend to kill you with them. At the next budget the chancellor should treat smokers like any other drug abuser. They get free methadone to wean themselves off the habit, so why not give smokers free fags on ‘pay exempt’ prescription schemes for hopeless addicts with a different health warning sign saying “Smoking for free will still kill you but this pack is tax free meaning that at least the usual revenue obtained by the government means you would not have been an accessory to killing an Afghan.” Ginger Yersell

Dr F: Who would want to kill a long haired dog when it had just been wormed, anyway? You won’t catch me smoking. I have a special hiding place in the controlled drug store where I keep my vodka too.

If you want to smoke and live to a ripe old age please attend my surgery where, under local anesthetic, I can supply you with gills. This way the harmful smoke will pass through the top half of your body with the benefit of huge slits made in your neck with carpet scissors and washing up gloves converted to small bellows, left and right. It’s rather revolutionary so it’s just as well I have a dishwasher now anyway. Packet warnings for those who have the procedure will read “Polo necked sweaters or scarves may render you impotent and harm your unborn baby and usually in that order.”

I’m a fairground follower and sometimes we make a profit on a good show, other times we don’t. It’s all swings and roundabouts. I am a swarthy, tattooed lady and can tell your future if you buy me a candy-floss and a Tango. Unfortunately, I fell off the carousel and got one leg caught up in the waltzer. Now, I wear my kidneys as earrings and walk with a limp. As a Doctor what would you do? Eileen Dover

Dr F: I would probably limp too. Due to your weird West Country accent I couldn’t understand your email. I thought you said CASSEROLE instead of CAROUSEL. In which case ignore my advice about trying a little more stock and not so many carrots next time. (more…)

February 26, 2008

Dr Farquar on Poverty


I have been on Social Security so long I have been offered tickets to the staff dance. Beat that! Linda Fiver

Dr Farquar says: Look at me. I started out with nothing and still have most of it. Without Mrs Farquar and her shrewdness with money I wouldn’t get the best cuts from stray animals on a Sunday.

I am so poor that a burglar broke into our house and deliberately left his sandwiches. Todd Ure

Dr F: You liar. You come from a posh part of town. I even saw you at a drive-in soup kitchen.

I am so broke I have to use self-raising flour instead of talcum powder. When I sweat I break out in crop circles and pancakes. Whitney Goodfaya

Dr F: Wheat can cause a reaction in me also. A baker tried to sell me a stale loaf once and so I kicked him in the clockweights.

I’m strapped for cash. I wait years to find out which kids are losing milk teeth and steal into their bedrooms to get the money before the tooth fairy does. Beat that. Callum Akunt

Dr F: Ingenious. I sent my kids to the Sudan as a lot of kind people around the world will pay a pound a month to make sure they get food, clean water and shelter. It works well. I feel I’m doing my bit for charity and its cut down my Waitrose bill by half. (more…)

March 20, 2006

Dr Farquar discusses Senility or Stupidity?

Senility or Stupidity?

People say ‘Life begins at forty’ but neglect to say you are f*cked at fifty. If ‘Life begins at forty’ what would John Lennon have to say about that?

Yes, old age comes to all of us. I am just a year or two off the half-century mark and already exhibiting signs of dementia. For example: Sleeping with other women I believe to be my wife. Shoplifting, obviously. Forgetting it’s my round of beer. Burning the toast. Well, I blame that on the toast ‘colour’ chart. It actually has ‘black’ on the setting. So, if you like coal for breakfast you can order it! What’s that all about? I mean when I go into ‘the greasy spoon’ café do I ask? “Err can I have the beans black and stuck to the bottom of the pan please? Oh, and could you make the eggs like congealed bathroom mastic, thank you?” Don’t forget I want the bacon so that when I get it, they look like scorched pork scratchings. One last thing, please cook my sausages so that when I put a dinner fork in them it busts a prong and breaks the plate. I want them like blackened heat-rods found from the debris of the Chernobyl meltdown?” Imagine what the assistant chef would say.

“I can’t cook your breakfast like that!”

I would answer, “Well, you bloody well did last time.”

Talking of burnt to buggery toast, it is claimed that it might be the cause of Alzheimer’s disease. I know I read it somewhere. Honestly, my memory these days. Where’s my cup of tea. Oh, I didn’t make one. Never mind. What’s that brown stuff coming out of my bottom? Oh well, it looks better in my hair. Doesn’t my Xmas list seem easy this year? Now, where did I put my glass of diesel, the kind lady gave me?

Yes, toast. Anything consisting of carbon is supposed to be carcinogenic, or so we are told. Cancer growing stuff! Why is it that 25% of us are made of carbon, anyway? I mean, not 25% as in only a quarter of the population. I mean all of us have 25% carbon. Enough to start a Bar B Q.

Of course there are all sorts of carbon. Monoxide, Dioxide, Tetrachloride, Carbon black. We are going to look at charcoal in its refined form or ‘activated charcoal’.

So, if carbon or charcoal is so health threatening, why do we have the stuff in domestic water filters? Charcoal filters in water systems actually take harmful cancer causing chemicals out of drinking water? So water is more dangerous, yet, we are told by health experts to drink the stuff all the time. But this is not ‘carbonated’ water. That’s Carbon Dioxide pumped into fizzy drinks making us feel toxic all day with a loud noise at one end and no responsibility at the other. Perhaps harmful, filtered water could be diluted?

But if you want to compare studies made here, it seems then, you get two schools of thought. That carbon is good for you, or it may kill you. One lowers lipids and treats cancer. The other is thought to be a toxin that may cause it.

What has this all to do with Dementia? Go on. Give me a clue.

Here is my theory based on my own drugstore philosophy.

Our brain is like a sieve. We literally have to sift thousands of messages a second. By the time you start ‘ losing the plot’ the microscopic channels in the brain have become clogged with debris or blood coagulants, making the whole network misfire. Carbon collects deposits and re-deposits them elsewhere. This crud is a fine emulsion that coats the finest capillaries forcing blood to about turn. So, one second you are convinced you have all your ‘chairs around the table’ and then wham, your skull becomes its own Bermuda triangle.

So, is carbon good for you or not? If somebody wants to ‘carbon date’ you, does that mean they want to take you upstairs to see their etchings and gently smudge you, after rolling you sideways?

Research shows that eating carbon can’t kill you. For example, I had a ‘Carbonara’ the other day and I feel as right as rain.

Some carbon may hurt you. My sister married a ‘carbon copy’ of her former husband and still gets beaten up regularly. I rest my case.

Anyway what was it we were talking about? I’ve forgotten. Who is that person in the photograph? I must stop playing with myself. Oh, yes, Dementia.

They can stick their research where the monkey put its nuts.

My theory is that our brains travel to our arse when we hit middle age. Let me explain. You walk into a room. You stop. You look around and wonder what the feck you walked into it in the first place, for. It’s only when you ‘sit down’, and that is the first time you remember what you were supposed to be doing. Hence, your brains have slipped into your rear end.

No cure? My arse…

But first. What is Dementia? If you haven’t already forgotten.

There are different types of Dementia. ‘Pick’s Disease’ affects only the frontal and anterior portions of the temporal lobe; the neurons in this disease become abnormal and swollen. Alzheimer’s Disease involves the formation of neuritic plaques and neurofibrillary tangles in the brain. Lewy Body is identified by abnormal structures in brain cells called “Lewy Bodies”. Vascular Dementia is the second most common form and is the result of a single or multiple stroke. There are no known cures for Dementia. The main symptoms I was asked to address were insomnia, anxiety and restlessness.

Being absent minded is not dementia. It just means you haven’t got the feckin’ brains you were born with.

How else can you explain it?

It’s like very old wiring in a house that has become brittle or the rubber sleeves on the wires and the cables become dangerously bare and get tangled and touch, fizz and spark. Lights fuse and start to flicker on and off. The wiring in some old people ‘short circuits’. Some days they short out. Become confused and frightened.

So oldsters may seem to have their ‘lights on’ but nobody is at home. Or the curtains are drawn anyway. The hamster is dead …but the wheel keeps on turning.

Other days they seem very alert and themselves again. As Dementia takes hold, the bad days increase over the good days. Generally, it is heartbreaking and sad for family members.

For example, once, I tried to work the DVD only to find out, Mother, had pissed all over it beforehand, and I wasn’t even covered for ‘flood’.

Very true story…

My Mother had dementia and it’s terrifying for the victim as well as the visitor. I may joke about it but I wouldn’t have wished it on my own mother. Well, she had it anyway, but I didn’t wish it on anyone in particular, or her, or anybody else, in that case. I used to visit her and she would be naked in a wheelchair. She would then mistake me for her far younger husband (my father was already deceased) and try to take my clothes off and then start French kissing me. If she had lived any longer we would have had to have made some sort of formal announcement. To avoid any further overtures from my Mother I used to visit, dressed as Beelzebub, Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, to discourage her ardour. Thankfully, she soon realised that she had died and gone to hell and left me alone.


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