Dr Farquar's Case History

September 10, 2011

Dr Farquar on Sweets

I like Barratts Sherbert Dabs. The handy liquorice tube and white sherbet
looks great when I’m snorting lines in nightclubs.
Ben
Sniffin

Dr F: I bought some Charlie off you and it
was just a bottle of chav cologne.

I love those ricepaper flying
saucers. I’ve made it look like the Martians have landed by taking a human hair
and superglue and suspending one of the sweetie spaceships in front of a
screensaver. I wanted to add a touch of realism and pretend it crash lands in a
barren wilderness of blistered and foreboding landscape. Presto! I found a
screensaver of Corby. Oh look little green men have fallen out of the edible UFO
and are now scattered all over the High St.
Ross
Well

Dr F: No. I sneezed over your
monitor.

I love cough candy twist. If you haven’t got a cough just
glue a pushpin on the side. Voila! A makeshift amber nose piercing.
Perry Gorrik

Dr F: I prefer sucking a
fisherman’s friend but I still get a sore throat. I sucked too hard on a Zube
once and there was a bit of a swell and we both went a bit
overboard.

I’m from Australia and I have just swallowed a Werther’s
original. 9 months later my baby wants to cover himself in calamine lotion and
listen to Rolf Harris records.
Doris
Alwaysopen

Dr F: No, it was a worthy
aboriginal.

I’m into those lemon bon bons. Now I can speak French
fluently but all my teeth have rotted away.
Cynth
Tuesday

Dr F: Indeed. Proving that an entrepreneur
is a mange tout.

I fucked Bertie Basset and now I have allsorts.
Dee VeeDee

Dr F: Next time
you want to have sex with a sweet, keep it in a bag.

I love those
Brazil nuts in chocolate. I wrap them in clingfilm and they taste as good going
in as they do coming out.
Spence
Mamunny

Dr F: They should have come out a
treat.

I love Terry’s chocolate orange. I like to have it while
ignoring the radio to avoid the pips.
Tom
Titt

Dr F: I auditioned for the Milk Tray Advert
but it was easier just getting her key cut.

If you like a lot of
chocolate on your biscuit join our club. Do you know much about Moonies?
Omar Gawd

Dr F: I’ll stick my
arse out for a curly wurly.

A finger of fudge is just enough to give
yourself a treat. A finger of fudge is just enough and very good to eat.  Its
full of peppery goodness and very small and neat but thats just ma nob.
Stan Tareason

Dr F: Finger painting is
fun, but if you would rather not forage anally then a burnt stick is just as
good for drawing pretend moustaches instead.

What’s got a hazel nut
in every bite? Squirrelshit!
S.Tufty

Dr F: Can we choose another
topic?

Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like chocolate
never tasted before, but not if you have dry leprosy.
Crispin Dry

Dr F:  Well, don’t stand
in this wind, as you are drifting against the front door and don’t rub your
hands together when the muesli is being served.

I loved Spangles. The
green ones. Especially on pizza!
Dinah
Lone

Dr F: You strange person. Don’t you like
Pontefract cakes?

I like Pop tarts. Lil
Raver

Dr F: Paula Yates is dead.

“ITS
THE MILKYBAR KID!”,
“ITS THE MILKYBAR KID!”,
“ITS THE MILKYBAR
KID!”,
The milkybar kid is strong and tough,
Only the best is good
enough,
Creamy milk a whiter bar,
The good taste thats in
milkybar,
“THE MILKYBARS ARE ON ME !”,
Milkybar so creamy white,
Nestle
milkybar…..and thats just ma nob!
Stan
Tareason

Dr F: Stan. You’ve had your go, now piss
off.

A Mars a day helps you work rest and wank. Juan Offmawrist

Dr F: I think we are
all done here.

Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
Do
the shake and vac and put the freshness back
When the room smells fresh so do
you
Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
Do the shake and vac
and put the freshness back. Praise Allah!
Sheik
Anvakk

Dr F: (Aww for fucks sake!)

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Dr Farquar on NHS Cuts

Gynaecologists have had it up to their neck!

Oncologists want a little growth and will just have to lump it.

Mammogram experts are trying to keep abreast.

The circumcision unit is only left with a few useless tips.

The canteen cook has enough on her plate.

The porters are wanting to push harder, only it’s more of a drag.

Plastic surgeons need a lift because they feel tucked up.

Paramedics thinks the service needs the kiss of life.

Orthodontists are ready to brace themselves.

Podiatrists are defeated.

Stool analysts are just going through the motions and want to drop the
matter.

Biopsy specialists feel they are under a microscope.

Pharmacists have lost their bottle.

Respiratory consultants think the cuts are a breath of fresh air.

Organ donors have lost all heart.

Continence nurses don’t give a shit, and as for urine sample couriers, well,
as always, they are just taking the piss!!

The midwifes thought the proposals were throwing the baby out with the
bathwater.

The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists have a gut
feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of
nerve.

The Obstetricians felt the government were labouring under a
misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea
short-sighted.

Pathologists cried, “Over my dead body!” while the
Paediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole
idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The
Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,  and
Graft specialist for the Burns units said, “This puts a whole new face on the
matter…..”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought
the proposals were a gas, but the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say
no.

Dental hygienists protested by removing the plaque off the hospital
entrance.

The crash team threw the defibrillator into a canal in outcry and found it up
the river without a paddle.

Speech therapists spoke out but tried to put words in other people’s
mouths.

The Amputee unit were hopping mad but were completely stumped.

The quadriplegic ward took it lying down but hope in the future to make a
stand and start their own movement.

The physiotherapists wanted to stand on their own two feet and were fed up
with being pulled up on a daily basis.

The chiropodists voted with their feet.

The Fire assessor wanted to stamp it out.

Tinnitus specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

Gynaecologists wanted to keep their hands in and look more closely into
it.

Theatre technicians said “You’ve got to hand it to some of these
surgeons.”

Haemorrhoid experts are full of the grapes of wrath.

Dieticians were chewing it over and avoiding radicals.

Geriatric nurses said the proposals had no teeth.

Security personnel don’t want to let their guard down.

Screening specialists are being put to the test.

Crèche assistants have thrown their toy out of the pram.

Lavatory assistants feel somebody is yanking their chain.

Consultants are ignoring and contradicting the cuts to justify their
jobs.

Surgeons simply cannot ignore the cuts.

Blood transfusion nurses think it takes the biscuit.

Phlebotomists are getting the needle.

The Chaplin is just a little cross.

The Crematorium  undertaker still has burning issues and won’t let the
curtain fall on pay as you urn and thinks that budget plans have gone up in
smoke.

A.E will get seen last because ‘it’s not a matter of life or death’ only to
have a child jump the queue because he got his head caught in a saucepan.

Care assistants feel they are being spoon-fed lies.

Prostheses creators will be paying an arm and a leg and in future will have
to buy their clothes off the peg.

Ear nose and throat specialists are using any channel they can find

Phlegm examiners want somebody else to cough for change.

Sports injury specialists are feeling the strain and hamstrung.

The falls unit must have slipped up somewhere and are up in arms.

The stitches unit feels that somebody needs to close the gap.

Sensory awareness consultants are feeling the pinch.

The GUM clinic thinks its claptrap.

The sperm bank thinks it’s too little too soon.

The sex education resource wants full protection and somebody to come
clean.

The cataract unit want things more clearly defined.

The Hospital Thrift shop don’t ‘want the wool pulled over their eyes’ and if
the cap fits wear it.

Meals on wheels have a staff leftover policy and can dish it out too.

Flatulence experts can smell something in the wind and are about to
explode.

Car park attendants think this is their lot.

The Penis and Vagina enhancement studio is talking at length and want it
nipped in the bud.

The charlady thinks it’s a storm in a teacup.

The Hearing Loss advice group have seen all the signs and thinks it lip
service.

Nurses have got their finger on the pulse.

The Admissions department won’t own up to anything.

Hospital lift operators know the gravity of the situation and want to take it
to another level where they believe other doors will be open to them whatever
the ups and downs.

The Incest Advisory Committee are coming into their own.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
arseholes in London.

March 26, 2008

Dr Farquar on Near Death Experience

N.D.E’rs

I think I had a near death experience last night. I was down the pub and had twelve pints of mild, as one of the regulars said that not only was the lager off, but I should stay away from the Light. Ned Aleedoon

Dr Farquar says: Let me look at your notes. Ah, yes. You, at the end of last evening passed out when presented with your bar-tab and felt later as if you were floating a few inches from the floor traveling at speed down a brightly lit tunnel. Then, at the point you awoke, you saw several silver haired people with smiling faces dressed in white robes. The porter had wheeled you into the geriatric ward instead of A.E by mistake.

I have had an out of body experience recently. It’s the last time I drink a gallon of Snakebite with a Vindaloo and try to ride my bike uphill. Prue Njuice

Dr F: You may laugh, but let’s explore an interesting statistic. 1 in 20 people will have a NDE. That means 19 people have to wait until they nearly die to find out. In the mean time, they live quite normal lives never knowing until they get near to death, if the other 18 are going to experience near death experiences, before or after them… if at all. They may have to be in an RTA or drink weed-killer to find out. At least 12 others will live a life full of suspense looking forward to a NDE while one or two will be too dense to know of this phenomenon because they are inbred wankers. Two will be child NDEr’s to get out of tidying their room. At least one will be a NVQ assessing vegetarian Volvo driver. While up to four or five just won’t give a shit either way. (more…)

August 19, 2002

Dr Farquar’s Defying Description

Defying Description

I saw an ad “Let our computer find a name for your new baby?” Surely that sort of thing is up to the parents? (Fooge)

Dr Farquar says: Isn’t it strange how parents choose names for their kids that sound like a skin disorder and never think about what their child’s name will sound like when read from the school register? I preferred to be called anything else but ‘Tarquin’ at school. So I became know as ‘absent’. The teacher even referred to me as the Messiah on several occasions. I was in the nativity play and I dressed as the arse-end of Joseph’s cow. The girl in front jumped out of the costume squealing “Farquar had his hand up my dress again Sir!”

To which he replied . “Jesus Christ… not you again.”

I saw another ad that was asking for a “Static Security Guard.” Whats going to happen? (Fooge)

Dr F: Simple answer to this. Shoplifters will be discouraged when they know that the guard is not going to chase them taking all the fun out of kleptomania.

This is why ASBOS are so effective. They allow kids to sniff glue and kick in car doors and get a certificate for it.

What about this for a job? “Care support worker” to aid wheelchair bound woman.’ Must be able to put on elastic stockings’. (Fooge)

Dr F: People in wheelchairs have needs too. My Uncle Horatio is paralysed from the waist down after a near fatal accident. He was at a Grunty Fen disco watching a girl hanging from a cage who successfully balanced five CDS through the centre hole from each nipple. She was going for six and the CDs on her left boob caught the DJ’s laser, dazzling my uncle temporarily. He stepped backward, half blinded, and spilled his lager over the bouncer’s shoe. The bouncer proceeded to polish the lager off his ‘patents’ by playing a tune on Uncle Horatio’s ribs.

He still goes to lap dancing joints. On the plus side he is already sitting down meaning he doesn’t have to search for a vacant chair at the Gentlemen club. On the down side, though, he only has a bit of knotted string between his legs to lasso her with. (more…)

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