Dr Farquar's Case History

September 10, 2011

Dr Farquar on Sweets

I like Barratts Sherbert Dabs. The handy liquorice tube and white sherbet
looks great when I’m snorting lines in nightclubs.
Ben
Sniffin

Dr F: I bought some Charlie off you and it
was just a bottle of chav cologne.

I love those ricepaper flying
saucers. I’ve made it look like the Martians have landed by taking a human hair
and superglue and suspending one of the sweetie spaceships in front of a
screensaver. I wanted to add a touch of realism and pretend it crash lands in a
barren wilderness of blistered and foreboding landscape. Presto! I found a
screensaver of Corby. Oh look little green men have fallen out of the edible UFO
and are now scattered all over the High St.
Ross
Well

Dr F: No. I sneezed over your
monitor.

I love cough candy twist. If you haven’t got a cough just
glue a pushpin on the side. Voila! A makeshift amber nose piercing.
Perry Gorrik

Dr F: I prefer sucking a
fisherman’s friend but I still get a sore throat. I sucked too hard on a Zube
once and there was a bit of a swell and we both went a bit
overboard.

I’m from Australia and I have just swallowed a Werther’s
original. 9 months later my baby wants to cover himself in calamine lotion and
listen to Rolf Harris records.
Doris
Alwaysopen

Dr F: No, it was a worthy
aboriginal.

I’m into those lemon bon bons. Now I can speak French
fluently but all my teeth have rotted away.
Cynth
Tuesday

Dr F: Indeed. Proving that an entrepreneur
is a mange tout.

I fucked Bertie Basset and now I have allsorts.
Dee VeeDee

Dr F: Next time
you want to have sex with a sweet, keep it in a bag.

I love those
Brazil nuts in chocolate. I wrap them in clingfilm and they taste as good going
in as they do coming out.
Spence
Mamunny

Dr F: They should have come out a
treat.

I love Terry’s chocolate orange. I like to have it while
ignoring the radio to avoid the pips.
Tom
Titt

Dr F: I auditioned for the Milk Tray Advert
but it was easier just getting her key cut.

If you like a lot of
chocolate on your biscuit join our club. Do you know much about Moonies?
Omar Gawd

Dr F: I’ll stick my
arse out for a curly wurly.

A finger of fudge is just enough to give
yourself a treat. A finger of fudge is just enough and very good to eat.  Its
full of peppery goodness and very small and neat but thats just ma nob.
Stan Tareason

Dr F: Finger painting is
fun, but if you would rather not forage anally then a burnt stick is just as
good for drawing pretend moustaches instead.

What’s got a hazel nut
in every bite? Squirrelshit!
S.Tufty

Dr F: Can we choose another
topic?

Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like chocolate
never tasted before, but not if you have dry leprosy.
Crispin Dry

Dr F:  Well, don’t stand
in this wind, as you are drifting against the front door and don’t rub your
hands together when the muesli is being served.

I loved Spangles. The
green ones. Especially on pizza!
Dinah
Lone

Dr F: You strange person. Don’t you like
Pontefract cakes?

I like Pop tarts. Lil
Raver

Dr F: Paula Yates is dead.

“ITS
THE MILKYBAR KID!”,
“ITS THE MILKYBAR KID!”,
“ITS THE MILKYBAR
KID!”,
The milkybar kid is strong and tough,
Only the best is good
enough,
Creamy milk a whiter bar,
The good taste thats in
milkybar,
“THE MILKYBARS ARE ON ME !”,
Milkybar so creamy white,
Nestle
milkybar…..and thats just ma nob!
Stan
Tareason

Dr F: Stan. You’ve had your go, now piss
off.

A Mars a day helps you work rest and wank. Juan Offmawrist

Dr F: I think we are
all done here.

Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
Do
the shake and vac and put the freshness back
When the room smells fresh so do
you
Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
Do the shake and vac
and put the freshness back. Praise Allah!
Sheik
Anvakk

Dr F: (Aww for fucks sake!)

Dr Farquar on NHS Cuts

Gynaecologists have had it up to their neck!

Oncologists want a little growth and will just have to lump it.

Mammogram experts are trying to keep abreast.

The circumcision unit is only left with a few useless tips.

The canteen cook has enough on her plate.

The porters are wanting to push harder, only it’s more of a drag.

Plastic surgeons need a lift because they feel tucked up.

Paramedics thinks the service needs the kiss of life.

Orthodontists are ready to brace themselves.

Podiatrists are defeated.

Stool analysts are just going through the motions and want to drop the
matter.

Biopsy specialists feel they are under a microscope.

Pharmacists have lost their bottle.

Respiratory consultants think the cuts are a breath of fresh air.

Organ donors have lost all heart.

Continence nurses don’t give a shit, and as for urine sample couriers, well,
as always, they are just taking the piss!!

The midwifes thought the proposals were throwing the baby out with the
bathwater.

The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists have a gut
feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of
nerve.

The Obstetricians felt the government were labouring under a
misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea
short-sighted.

Pathologists cried, “Over my dead body!” while the
Paediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole
idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The
Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,  and
Graft specialist for the Burns units said, “This puts a whole new face on the
matter…..”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought
the proposals were a gas, but the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say
no.

Dental hygienists protested by removing the plaque off the hospital
entrance.

The crash team threw the defibrillator into a canal in outcry and found it up
the river without a paddle.

Speech therapists spoke out but tried to put words in other people’s
mouths.

The Amputee unit were hopping mad but were completely stumped.

The quadriplegic ward took it lying down but hope in the future to make a
stand and start their own movement.

The physiotherapists wanted to stand on their own two feet and were fed up
with being pulled up on a daily basis.

The chiropodists voted with their feet.

The Fire assessor wanted to stamp it out.

Tinnitus specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

Gynaecologists wanted to keep their hands in and look more closely into
it.

Theatre technicians said “You’ve got to hand it to some of these
surgeons.”

Haemorrhoid experts are full of the grapes of wrath.

Dieticians were chewing it over and avoiding radicals.

Geriatric nurses said the proposals had no teeth.

Security personnel don’t want to let their guard down.

Screening specialists are being put to the test.

Crèche assistants have thrown their toy out of the pram.

Lavatory assistants feel somebody is yanking their chain.

Consultants are ignoring and contradicting the cuts to justify their
jobs.

Surgeons simply cannot ignore the cuts.

Blood transfusion nurses think it takes the biscuit.

Phlebotomists are getting the needle.

The Chaplin is just a little cross.

The Crematorium  undertaker still has burning issues and won’t let the
curtain fall on pay as you urn and thinks that budget plans have gone up in
smoke.

A.E will get seen last because ‘it’s not a matter of life or death’ only to
have a child jump the queue because he got his head caught in a saucepan.

Care assistants feel they are being spoon-fed lies.

Prostheses creators will be paying an arm and a leg and in future will have
to buy their clothes off the peg.

Ear nose and throat specialists are using any channel they can find

Phlegm examiners want somebody else to cough for change.

Sports injury specialists are feeling the strain and hamstrung.

The falls unit must have slipped up somewhere and are up in arms.

The stitches unit feels that somebody needs to close the gap.

Sensory awareness consultants are feeling the pinch.

The GUM clinic thinks its claptrap.

The sperm bank thinks it’s too little too soon.

The sex education resource wants full protection and somebody to come
clean.

The cataract unit want things more clearly defined.

The Hospital Thrift shop don’t ‘want the wool pulled over their eyes’ and if
the cap fits wear it.

Meals on wheels have a staff leftover policy and can dish it out too.

Flatulence experts can smell something in the wind and are about to
explode.

Car park attendants think this is their lot.

The Penis and Vagina enhancement studio is talking at length and want it
nipped in the bud.

The charlady thinks it’s a storm in a teacup.

The Hearing Loss advice group have seen all the signs and thinks it lip
service.

Nurses have got their finger on the pulse.

The Admissions department won’t own up to anything.

Hospital lift operators know the gravity of the situation and want to take it
to another level where they believe other doors will be open to them whatever
the ups and downs.

The Incest Advisory Committee are coming into their own.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
arseholes in London.

April 20, 2009

Dr Farquar’s Actual Facts

Actual Facts

Did you know Mark Twain was born on and died on days when Halley’s Comet can be seen? During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen. Lola Bollox

Dr Farquar says: I bet Mum’s proud of him. Did you also know that he borrowed huge sums of money during his life to pay off debts because of failed business ventures? It’s a shame he didn’t see that bugger coming as well?

US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen. Zelda Hoose

Dr F: That is why there is so much US money laundering then? Yes the Yankee dollar is not just Uncle Sam’s property but singularly the most widespread currency used in the entire world. Interestingly though the dollar over the last few years has fallen so much against the Mighty Euro in value its economic status is compared by economists to that of a third world country.

Instead of cotton and linen dollars soon the US cash reserve will be turning their money into recycled loo roll. A lot kinder to your bottom than the bastards have been to the rest of the world and the environment. It is also fact that their Declaration of Independence was written on hemp, or marijuana paper. Another reason for America to ‘get really bombed’ for a change.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. Silius Fekk

Dr F: Thank God for that. I thought a rabbit had shat in ma bobbly. (more…)

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