Dr Farquar's Case History

January 19, 2010

Dr Farquar on COURTING

I love a man in uniform, so I joined the Salvation Army where I met Gerald Leviticus – a staff sergeant. The trouble is, when I try to woo him with my tambourine, he tells me to beat it. All I want to do is blow his little trumpet and press the right buttons. Eve Asigh

Dr F. My dear girl, get your rank and file to go out and help our lads fighting on the front line. They need pretend soldiers too. You will win the war by flushing out the Taliban. Lets face it…. on a Friday night you clear out the Skinners Arms in minutes.

I have found true love at your local respiratory clinic. Nurse Scuffedknees. I love her with every wheeze in my body . Arty Choke

Dr F. Tell her when your bronchitis is more productive. You can bring it up then.

I am a traffic warden and courting a wheel clamper. Let me tell you how we met. He had parked his lowloader on a restricted zone usually reserved for residents with displayed within expiry date authorisation and legitimate access avoiding a bike route bridle path municipal grid for wheelchair users blocking a community thoroughfare between 8.00hrs and 18.00hrs with opposite lane priority to oncoming stationary vehicles with height restrictions in a one-way ring road zebra crossing hard-shoulder no exit river boat slipway filter system adjacent to a private driveway public footpath. I on the other hand just want a bit of cock. Rita Ticketoot

Dr F. I bet you got on well at the first meeting. No eye contact and constant shaking of the head. Turning completely deaf and walking away from each other, gesticulating wildly while being verbally abused.

I advertised for a Polish lady and arranged to meet her behind the gasworks to teach her the Englishman’s art of romancing a girl. Imagine my surprise when a large woman smoking a fag in a head scarf and washing up gloves turned up, holding a yellow duster and can of Mr Sheen? How did that happen? Harry Arse

Dr F: I saw the ad. It read “I want a woman who is not afraid to get on all fours and do their bit. A good scrubber ready to give me the once over. I prefer to use the best Polish where ever I can.”

You are gross! How many times do I have to tell you how gross you really are? Gert Issues

Dr F. 144.

Why don’t you take me out? I thought we could get to know each other over a short course of strong antibiotics? Tracey Outline

Dr F. Yes. We met when a gust of wind blew you off a 10 story building. It’s just like you fell from the sky into my arms. I think you are my kind of girl. The guys on the 9th 6th and 4th floor all had sex with you on the way down breaking your fall.

As a qualified female gynaecologist you said “What next? Women car mechanics?” As a matter of fact I service my own car and have just put a new clutch in over the weekend. Trix Ovvatrade

Dr F. Yes, but I bet it wasn’t done though the hole in the exhaust.

I’m Mel Ingerer, your jobsharing receptionist . I share all the jobs I don’t want to do myself. If you didn’t drink so much in surgery I would let you shag me in the stationery cupboard but not when you are always covered in vomit and left in the recovery position. ML

Dr F. Picky aren’t you? That was a one-off because I had been working yesterday evening on several different cases. I filled in for my brother who works in Threshers and there was a promotion on offer . I thought they would make me up to evening manager but it turned out to be only Kestrel Superbrew at two for the price of one.

I’m a nun from the “Whose Next For The Odd-shaped Parsnip Sisterhood” Convent for use of exotic and thickly ribbed root vegetables. You son of Lucifer! You told me I was pregnant and so I had to leave my calling in shame. I am penniless with nobody to talk to. I literally have only what I stand up in and a hard bed in a cold room. No change really in my circumstances…but… thats not the point! What is worse is the fact that nine months later there is no baby. I get a second opinion and it turns out it was only trapped wind. I’m not pregnant because you lied to me.

Dr F. It cured your hiccups, so stop moaning.

Are you an anaesthetist? Only when we had sex last night I didn’t feel a thing? Amy Normous

Dr F. Well you are a big girl at 33 stone, but your pre-natal check went well with the use of scaffold and safety harnesses. Take these tablets 3 times daily every other day. Then tomorrow, skip a day, and then resume the course , skipping every other day from then on until the course ends. The tablets won’t help you lose weight but the skipping will.

This is the most romantic thing. I’m one of 24 children. Both my Mum and Dad eventually died. My Mum was the first to go. My Dad inside three months after his wife died of a broken heart. But at least they are both together now. Ivor Handmedown

Dr F. What, her legs?

Good catholic parents should be watching their children very carefully when they are out courting. Steph Upperlip

DR F. Exactly! Why should they have all the fun?

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