Dr Farquar's Case History

November 27, 2009

Dr Farquar on Panic Attacks

Panic Attacks

I watch ‘Most Haunted’ and that Yvette and Carl seem to have lots of panic attacks. At home are there laundry issues? Because they seem to shit themselves at the least little thing! Gus Tinnerhall

Dr Farquar says: Yvette is a real panicker. Often she suffers identifying with reality and not being able to make do with her hairdo. I have also heard that all paranormal investigators and psychics like Gordon Smith and Derek Akora are gay, only trying to put the willies up each other.

I’m a suicide bomber that suffers panic attacks. Sometimes I feel I’m about to explode. Said Aldooit

Dr F: Well that’s you all over, or soon will be. I’d like to help but have you thought of the impact you will have on other people? Do what Allah wants in the local garden centre. Lots of fertilizer and nails there. They don’t have gelignite, but a sticky bun instead. Everybody who visits comes in coaches and has a combined age of three million. Two World Wars didn’t do the trick but maybe you can.

I have just got back from Afghanistan and suffer ‘post instamatic dress disorderly.’ Or ‘shellshock’. To demonstrate the symptoms I was fucking shocked at the amount of shells on Scarborough beach. Gary Baldy

Dr F: This Holy war rages on and why? Bin Laden’s Life Insurance salesman has forgotten to cancel his policy.

Help me with my depression. I have two vaginas instead of a nose and huge breasts on my elbows as well. I’d do anything to feel normal. What do you suggest? Emma Mutant

Dr F: Ok. Paint my house.

My wife said she no longer loves me but would still like my company. I signed it over today and the whole process made me quite anxious. How can I get her to love me all over again. Justin Case

Dr F: Your wife is much prettier since her disfigurement. She might benefit from a holiday with you abroad. The Maldives are supposed to be nice this time of year and already sinking due to climate change. Her webbed fingers and feet should come in handy for that bugger. Lets hope the weather does not disagree with her, but to be frank it probably wouldn’t dare. I am happy to operate on her face but the skip from the council hasn’t arrived yet. I wonder if there are any survivors from the bus who drove into a tree trying to avoid her when she hailed it?

I’m worried about this poor little greenfly on my finger without any of its tiny legs and missing antennae. It seems to be bleeding too. Dug Oot

Dr F: That’s a bogey, so stick around.

I’m suffering from a degree of anxiety because of feeling totally irrelevant. Sex with goats is quite common in the Middle East, especially when my socks need changing and some players of Monopoly from time to time. Hugh Cares

Dr F: Interesting. Goats are unlike cats and dogs. Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and will get back to you.

I’m worried about my drinking. This pint tastes like the horse had diabetes. Duncan Merry

Dr F: “A Horse.. a Horse …My Kingdom for a Horse.” Shakespeare said this in his play ‘Richard the Third’. Who in their right mind would send a knight out on a horse like this.

I’m worried. Can I have my ball back Mister? Lil Sodd

Dr F: Of course. In fact I will autograph it for you as there is no paper in here.

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