Dr Farquar's Case History

October 28, 2009

Dr Farquar and Friends

I have a friend who I want to never lose. After all, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” In fact, I never let him out of my sight because he owes me too much money. Reece Nebble

Dr F: It is true. Friends will always make room for you…in your fridge.

Let’s look at how valuable friends really are:

Friends who never forget your birthday and what’s more, they make sure you never forget theirs.

Friends who go on holiday with you, but deny knowing you at customs.

Friends who offer to babysit. They never do…they just offer.

Friends who don’t mind you taking them for granted. The once.

Friends that are always there for you even when you tell them to go away.

Friends who come bearing gifts they’ve borrowed.

Friends that often give you the shirt off their back…to wash.

Friends who like to ‘pick up the tab’ and give it to you.

Friends that will give up everything, just so they can come and live with you.

Friends who always have time for you, especially when it’s your phonecall.

Friends who will always see your side of the story ..before they press charges.

Friends who will always surprise you…by giving you back your power tools.

Friends who are kind enough to provide you with overalls for even the smallest job in their house.

Friends who like to be over familiar with your partner because they are ‘practically family’.

Friends who borrow your camcorder on their holiday and you end up watering their plants and looking after their dog in return for the book they read on the plane.

Friends who say ‘nothing is too much trouble’ until it’s time to do the dishes.

Friends who ‘never share a cross word’ until they crap in your toilet.

Friends you ‘would go to the ends of the earth for’. To get away from them.

Friends who ‘will never see you on your own’ and so bring the rest of their relatives too.

Friends who you introduce to your boss and he doesn’t speak to you again.

Friends who leave their mark and throw up on your favourite tablecloth.

Friends who drop in for dinner because they can’t be bothered to go to Tesco.

Friends who expect nothing in return. Because they already have most of your stuff anyway.

Friends who never like to fall out with you unless it’s trivial.

Friends who you find a good ‘port in a storm’ due to squatting rights.

Friends who end up being the ‘life and soul of your party’ until they hear the will read out.

Friends who will ‘stick up for no matter what’, until asked as a material witness.

Friends who take flack for you, and try to your cover tracks, until you ask them to pretend to be the driver at your own road traffic accident.

Friends who if you are ‘picked on’ for a street-fight will try and raise money for you by running a ‘book’ and selling do-nuts.

Friends that will bonk your partner but only if you hold up score cards.

Friends who ‘love you as you are’ and that’s why they bought you an exercise bike.

Friends who don’t mind your bad habits and want to protect your health by insisting on smoking all your cigarettes for you.

Friends who will stop what they are doing to make sure they stop you doing the same.

Friends who offer to take your wife to the theatre but blame you for the STD.

Friends who will even ‘stand in for you’ during family picture portraits.

Friends who help you move house and you have to get then blind drunk afterwards so they won’t ask for a forwarding address.

Friends who introduce you to their family and one of their parents offer you sex in the kitchen.

Friends who will help you cope with your divorce the same way they informed the Child Support Agency.

Friends who are totally dependable. They will always say out loud at pre-natal classes how drunk you were that night.

Friends who you treat to the cinema and end up watching the film they want.

Friends who then expect you to pay for the parking, coke and popcorn and then try to snog you and fully expect to have non-stop sex all night.

Friends who you comfort when they get dumped and then invite you and a rampant local cheerleader group to a five star hotel with a Jacuzzi filled with 300 year old champagne to spank you into submnission.

Friends who are into bondage and cover your trouser trumpet with squirty cream and maple syrup and then put it somewhere your Grannie would disapprove.

Friends who do the above and marry to make sure it never happens again just so you can please Grannie instead.

Friends that come around to please Grannie even when you have run out of squirty cream and maple syrup.

Friends who tell you that Grannie is on the Internet in various stages of undress and asked to take her teeth out as a last resort.

Friends who buy you a pint because they met your Grannie on Facebook

and want to take her out for a kebab some bus shelter fun.

Friends who agree to pick up your Grannie at the day centre but end up taking your Great Aunt Lilian to a nightclub instead.

Friends who console your Grannie with a custard cream and a bottle of stout and tell her that being a lesbian is her choice as long as it doesn’t interfere with Eastenders or the Queen’s speech.


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