Dr Farquar's Case History

September 27, 2009

Dr Farquar on Clichés


I love clichés, especially the broccoli and salmon ones you can 241 in Tescos. Better than piazza anyday. Dick Lecksia

Dr Farquar says: Yes. Word blindness has not worked on your Atkins diet plan, making you a pagan heathen savage. You are back on the crabs and selling your soul to Santa.

My wife said a well known cliché, saying, ‘Look who got out the wrong side of bed this morning’. It’s true . I slept flush against the bedroom wall and as soon as the alarm went off I had to use a jackhammer to make a hole in the outside wall to get out of my bed the wrong side, proving that landing headfirst on a bus shelter at 7.30am in the morning does not improve your mood. Saul Survivor

Dr F: Next time you go ‘up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire’ think the sleeping arrangements through first. Invite a close friend and your wife to let you sleep in the middle. If you try to get out of the bed the wrong side again, the cold knees and sharp elbows of your two bed partners should stop you in your tracks. Try not to wake your wife when you slip out.

I went to see your receptionist for an appointment and said to her, “I have something wrong with my dick!” She seemed shocked and told me off for being too graphic. She suggested in order not to offend patients in the waiting room I should disguise my malady and say something like “I’ve got something wrong with my ear” and then disclose the more intimate details in private to the GP later. I agreed and re-phrased the reasons for my pressing appointment . I said, “OK, I have something wrong with my ear.” She then asked, ” What’s wrong with it?” I answered “I can’t piss out it!” Do I get a prize? Mahatma Coat

Dr F: To add insult to injury it appears there is also a problem with your mouth . Shit is constantly coming out of it.

“Doctor, doctor! There is a fly in my trousers,” is a tired cliché. ‘Knock Knock’ jokes are so predictable too. Here’s one I tried on my local vicar “Knock Knock”.. “who’s there?”.. “Jesus” .. “Jesus who?” .. “Jesus Christ you’re one ugly bastard.” Anna Kist

Dr F: Timing is the key. Get the fuck out of my office. I’m counting to ten.

“Fingers on the buzzers” is your favourite cliché when embarking on gynecology examinations. I hear you are looking for an assistant to help with preparing women for intimate exploration. The job spec says “Must be able to remove underwear slowly, shave private areas and apply soothing oils.” One question. The criteria asks “Must also be prepared to travel to Cardiff”. Why? Luke Warm

Dr F: That’s the length of the queue so far.

“Don’t lose any sleep over it” is a cruel cliché when I already suffer from insomnia. You diagnosed masturbation as the reason I can’t get forty wanks I mean winks. It’s my body . Everybody does it. Those who say they don’t are liars. It’s perfectly healthy and none of your bloody business. Phil Mesell

Dr F: Yes. But not when I am trying to examine you.

“Want to take a bet on it?” Is a shameful cliché used by gamblers. You fiend! I came to see you about my gambling addiction and you deliberately bet me £10 you could bite your eye. Seeing this as an ‘odds on’ favourite I took the bet. You took out your false teeth and bit your eye losing me £10 pounds. I then bet you another £10 I could urinate in your waste paper basket from 20 feet and ended up missing it, completely drenching your desk. A tough achievement for any obese lady. Another tenner wasted you could say? Nevermind, I also bet the next patient £20 you would watch me piss all over your desk. Yippee I’m cured! Winnie Munny

Dr F: Fairplay. I took the liberty after your ‘accident’ and allowed a few droplets to run off my desk onto a pregnancy tester. Congratulations! You are up the duff! The scan’s back. £50 says its either a boy or a girl. £100 says I won’t tell your husband that I’m the father. £500 says you will be buying me a new blotter for my desk.

“Keep your chin up” is a cliché with sexual connotations. Depression consumes me. Say something to make be happy. Phyliss Upp

Dr F: You do a better blowjob than your daughter.

Your reference to oral sex is in bad taste, costing me a fortune in squirty cream. I suffer from overactive glands and your nurses don’t offer me this kind of treatment, but my next door neighbor manages to get a private appointment at least once a week. Why? Bradley Speekin

Dr F: Same disease. Better health plan.

“Look before you Leap” is a stupid cliché because my wife only has to feed the goldfish and she gets pregnant. “I can’t look before I leap” because I’m a blind paraplegic with eleven children and unable to cope. The kids all live at home and know that they are responsible for my lack of vision when planning a family. How dare you complain about my white stick making an irritating tapping noise in your surgery when foraging for a Braille edition of “The World of Concrete Trampolines”? Ayatollah Biggerwider

Dr F: I merely said try putting a rubber on it next time.



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