Dr Farquar's Case History

September 14, 2009

Dr Farquar on Lame Excuses

Filed under: Unmentionable Material — doctorfarquar @ 4:38 pm

This week: Lame Excuses

“I can’t come into work right now because…”

I am stuck in traffic and it’s called a ‘pile-up’.

I have been asked by Captain Scarlet to help him fight the Mysterons but there are a few strings attached.

My car seatbelt is jammed and I opened my glove compartment and a swarm of killer bees attacked me. My only chance is to kill them one by one with the cigarette lighter.

I had to stop on the M6 for a particularly long filter and as soon as I have smoked it I will be in to work.

I injured my groin on a fairground “What the Butler saw” machine and now Health and Safety officials are looking into it.

I have someone interested in buying my house and I have run out of DDT and overalls for the rats.

I am considering taking a reduction in salary if allowed more time off like this.

I feel I have to contribute to the company’s inevitable failure and demise.

I am getting bored with the colour of the office fittings.

I am in the middle of self-evaluation research on my commitment to my job.

I think I will be of more use at an industrial tribunal.

I have spilled hot coffee onto my crotch and I’m now sterile with two sugars.

I am addicted to religion and coffee and so I have become a Java’s Witness.

I have found God by a minor legal action and bought an old iron framed upright piano while adopting a quaint flair for cockney rhyming slang and become a Joanna’s Witness.

I don’t want to stop others from working.

I have been invited to a body-painting party after contracting scabies.

I have Non Specific Urethritis and so I can’t be sure exactly when I will come back.

My laptop and shoes have been stolen.

My doctor has advised me not to stop drinking abruptly as it may cause withdrawal trauma and it will confuse whose round it is.

I phoned earlier with a hangover but nobody believed me.

I have had to make my own breakfast today and I am afraid I have far too much on my plate.

The bottom has fallen out of my world.

The world has fallen out of my bottom.

I have a latent and very strong desire to find out what a bailiff does.

I can’t decide what condom to wear.

I put HRT patches on my scrotum by mistake.

I think there is too much distortion in the factory’s Public Address System.

I am fed up with all the moaning women. Their orgasms put me off my work.

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