Dr Farquar's Case History

April 27, 2009

Dr Farquar on Relaxation


Heavy drinking has always kept me calm. Especially, when the officer hands me a coffee and a blanket. Terry Dactyl

Dr Farquar says: I’ve never tried dunking a blanket in coffee but at least they are both warm and thick like your wife. When you have done your ‘bird’, rest assured…………… so have I.

I have been given some relaxation exercises to deal with my stress. They are so effective I can’t even be bothered to go to work. Colin Insikk

Dr F: Here is a technique to relax you and set you up for the day.

It’s a tense/relax exercise taken from the book of ‘Calm’ by Fiona Toy

* Lie flat on your back and take a few deep breaths and feel the tension leave your body.
* Beginning at your feet, flex and tense them as hard as you can, and hold for a few seconds.
* Point your toes and tighten your calf muscles and hold for a few seconds.
* Repeat the process on each set of muscles, working up your legs to your buttocks.
* Finish by pulling a face with your jaw clenched and then relaxing and repeat the process.
* Breathe deeply shut your eyes and relax.
* Wipe discreetly on the duvet.

When I need to relax I like to draw myself a nice hot bath. The trouble is I have run out of crayons. Perhaps I should try Acupuncture. Paisley Shorts

Dr F: Beware. Acupuncture is like hedgehogs. They have three hundred pricks and one arsehole. Everybody is doing it, getting their ‘qualification’ out of a cornflake packet. You don’t need to feel a little prick just because you are tired. Why, you could feel right as rain and still accomplish that without professional help. Try a footbath, while I put gravel in your shoes.

Essential oils are great for tension as long as I don’t rub myself up the wrong way. Kip Alookout

Dr F: Never buy an essential oil you simply don’t need. I did offer you my oil burners and I said to take them home and told you to ‘light a candle under the bowls’ you thought I said ‘bowels’ and now I have to book you in for another appointment.

I like complimentary medicine. I came into your surgery and you said I had nice tits. Thanks, but I still have trenchfoot. Cindy Wellies

Dr F: This natural procedure for good mental health is called ‘affirmations.’ It’s an age-old holistic way to make you feel good about yourself. Do this now and you will be more confident.

Tell yourself to the bathroom mirror in the morning that you are not an ugly bitch and do not have the personality of toe-grit at least three hundred times and you feel much better about thoughts of wretchedness, self loathing and your inevitable suicide.

I have to relax more at work. Errors have been made and others will be blamed. Jean Evershuddup

Dr F: Only worry when you wake up screaming but you haven’t fallen asleep yet. When I want your opinion I will give it to you, in the meantime, Earth is full right now, so go home.

I’m a hermaphrodite and work at a chicken grooming parlour. I went into a chemist for condoms and was thrown out for asking where the fitting room was. Why? Tracey Outline

Dr F: You are very stressed indeed. Try these tips to reduce your stress levels and call attention to yourself.

* Dance in front of your pets naked.
* Jam marshmallows in your nostrils and try and sneeze them out.
* When somebody says “Have a nice day”. Tell them you have other plans.
* Thumb through the National Geographic and draw underwear and handbags on the natives.
* Drive to work in reverse.

I’m an archeologist. I relax by digging up people’s gardens to find worthless chunks of pottery just to prove you can’t buy them at Argos anymore. Ivor Trowel

Dr F: I love archeology. What’s new? That’s nothing. I dug up a 3000yr mummy in the Negev desert last year and I astonished historians with knowing the time and cause of death. One curate said to me “You are only a GP, how did you know the time of death as during the start of the reign of King David of Israel and cause of death as heart failure?”

I told him, I saw a note it its hand saying, “10000 shekels on Goliath.”



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