Dr Farquar's Case History

April 27, 2009

Dr Farquar on ‘Issues’

Issues

I’m in two minds to have my breast enlarged. Do I listen to my friend who had a bad experience with cosmetic surgery when the surgeon sneezed and a nipple was accidentally transferred to her forehead forcing her to join the Hindu faith? Or, do I trust my instincts and blast my baps with silicon so that at eighty years old I will still have great tits, even when I can’t remember how they got there? Bet Zorroff

Dr Farquar says: With breast enhancement there are two sides to the augment.

I want to remove my wedding band because it’s too tight. Will it cut off my circulation? Kip Alookout

Dr F: It’s supposed to.

I had sex with a kennel maid in complete darkness. Instead of using condoms I used a packet of Opal fruits instead and now I have syphilis. I wish I had bought Rowntree’s fruit pastilles instead. Jock Innabox

Dr F: The vintage jingle goes ‘Fresh with the tang of Citrus’ not what you originally thought. Don’t worry at least if you do have a poorly piss-pipe it will now be in ‘ Four refreshing fruit flavours.’

What does it mean when your wife keeps shouting her lover’s name in the middle of the night in a breathless writhing manner? Tex Dapiss

Dr F: You are not holding down the pillow hard enough.

Why is it that when some underground experiment to test the Black hole theory threatens to wipe out the planet in days nobody bats an eye, yet when a chicken coughs the whole population shits itself? Homer Goodness

Dr F: Very topical. I don’t do topical because others reading my notes in a thousand years won’t know what the feck you are referring to and through the passage of time probably will come around and give your Great ,Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great grandson, a fat lip and serves him right. The skinny, popeyed, little egg-headed wassack.

I was rescued from a burning spitfire in the Battle of Britain and was lucky to escape because my smoke alarm in the cockpit had run out of battery. Why did I risk my life the first time around to be operated on by you and have a kneecap and both hips removed for no apparent reason? Another thing, why did you give me two blue pills instead of anesthetic? Ginger Nuts

Dr F: High trauma surgery can be tricky. I conducted this operation on you because I found some lint in your navel and significant toe grit. Never before has this major procedure been done without anesthesia and with good reason. I wanted my name in the Lancet and the editor to buy me a pint. By the way, the blue pills were not pain relief. They were Viagra. I thought it might give you something to hang onto.

I’m four years old. You fucking useless piece of shit, bollocks to you and arseholes to the rest of the world. Gavin Nottashite

Dr F: Sonny. Your Daddy has been swearing in front of you again and you come into my office repeating such things. You don’t even know what it means.

Yes I do. It means his car won’t start. (GN)

I’m a lady vicar. I gave you a shepherding call at your surgery to invite you to the Harvest festival. You turned up naked and with just a very small offering again. What’s wrong with some big melons like mine ? Rev Fanny Zwett from The Brethren of The Very Mostly Holy Highly Salassi TSB on the Verger Bankruptcy

Dr F: God’s House is no place for exotic and erotic fruit and vegetables. When Eve tempted Adam by having a bite of his big red rosy apple, sin entered the world and so Adam entered Eve and said, ‘Do want some cheese with that?’

You saw me in the street and accelerated your car towards me shouting “I’ll show you what being run down feels like?” Why? Jay Walker

Dr F: Why gripe? The fire service cut you free in no time and left you perfectly unharmed. Look what your wheelchair did to my number plate! Never mind. You lot have done well in the Olympics meaning you are not disabled and just a bunch of show-offs. I can’t pole-vault or chuck a javelin, but I’m a perfectly able person. How will that affect my benefits I might ask?

You’re absurd. You remind of the two men that can’t count and the third one gets on a bus. I have saved our world from too many banana chairs and helped every human from not being eaten by a duck. So don’t accuse me of being eccentric again. Bon Kurrz

Dr F: Good. You are cured. You remind me of a Dyslexic I helped. I told him to deliberately spell words wrongly. That way at least he had a chance of spelling them correctly.

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