Dr Farquar's Case History

April 26, 2009

Dr Farquar on Logic


If Spock from Star Trek says something is “illogical” should we be surprised when something seems alien to him? Horace Sheet

Dr Farquar says: All this spaceship nonsense is just pie in the sky. Don’t let your mind wander. It’s far too little to be allowed out on its own.

This is pure logic. If I were homeless and hungry, I would stay in a building site show home after the sales lady went home. OK, the Plasma TV and HiFi are made of cardboard and the bowl of fruit made of wax but there is always a bit of pasta and a cooker that works. Plus you can get a shower and a nice clean pretentiously designed bedroom to kip in. Peter Oot

Dr F: You fool. You came to surgery complaining of having a gherkin behind your ear. It emerged that surgery was needed because you had already eaten a pencil. Have you considered early retirement? Go to bed 8.30 then.

I am six years old and I think it quite illogical that Santa came into my bedroom and called me “Ya feckin’ little bastard” Why? Oliver Bruise

Dr F: I stubbed my toe on your bedpost.

Funerals are illogical. Pallbearers are expensive. Why not just use a sack barrow? Christian Berryall

Dr F: Exactly. Trees have to die to make coffins. Trees are recycled and disposed of with a contraption that works like a huge blender that shoots mulch out the end. It would be logical to pay a small drink to a tree surgery guy to borrow it for an afternoon. Simply put your dead relative in feet-first and point it in the right direction of a bank that has refused you an overdraft or through the window of a pub that you are banned from. At least your loved ones would be more useful dead than when they were alive.

I would ban acid rain. It could just be a hallucination. Lou Pepper

Dr F: Be it on your own head.

It’s illogical that my plumber husband is so busy he has to be out all night servicing old boilers with no energy to enjoy a romantic night in with me. It’s almost like he tries to be in two places at once. Zoey Duzz

Dr F: That’s neither here nor there. Only worry when he says he’s off to screw a geyser to a wall.

Logically thinking, then… as a properly ordained women priest, I want to announce on behalf of my calling as Our Lords Worshipful Holiness and Very Very Right turn at the next roundabout Reverend of Christ’s local mission here at Grunty Fen… that never once was the word ‘fellatio’ mentioned in God’s Word the Bible. I’d like to see you try and lick that! Her Chasteful and Graceful Eminence of the Knees Sellotaped Together Sister Wendy Saints

Dr F: Yes, I hate opera too.

I think that paranormal or psychic phenomena like O.B.E’s are logical. You know, when you are unconscious but see yourself having an operation. I had an O.B.E. after a curry last night and it played havoc with my Rockford Files. If it happens again I can see myself having an operation too. Bernie Ring

Dr F: Well Kylie got an O.B.E after her op and her poppadoms are as good as new.

If you ask me, you are completely in denial. Go on.. deny it? Fred Taffart

Dr F: Me? In denial, eh? I’m not, and even if I was, I wouldn’t tell you. Denial is something I will never admit to, because if I was in denial I’m only fooling myself and why would I want to do that? I have nothing to be in denial for, even if it’s means denying myself everything that I have already mentioned. If I was in real denial then I would have mental health issues and that’s impossible because it’s my job to deal with mental health issues everyday. Nothing could be easier than being in denial but I think you will find I have nothing to deny and if you think I have, well I simply don’t accept that could happen and that’s undeniable.

However, I’m not denying that I don’t accept you can deny me the right to not admitting I’m in denial because that’s just you acting like an Ostrich with your head in the sand and there’s no denying that might happen whether you deny it or not.

I think Anger Management is not logical. I went on a course to deal with my anger and try to find myself but I still ended up having to count to Ten. Colin Aquack

Dr F: Get a grip. I found you to have one leg shorter than the other and prescribed you should walk with one foot on the kerb and one in the road to walk normally. At least a fork in the road stopped you eating your chips with your fingers.

You are a fraud. You had my assistant manager taken to A&E because a thought struck him. What a waste of my time and valuable resources. I can’t find words to express my annoyance at you. Isaac Timm

Dr F: Then look in a dictionary, you lazy cunt.

It’s illogical that people want plastic surgery. If you are not happy with your looks.. sue your parents? Ida Dunn

Dr F: Well, personally I would rather pass a kidney stone than pass another second with your crap advice. That’s my department. Besides, I delivered you only a few months ago and you were so ugly I had to have tinted windows put on your incubator.



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