Dr Farquar's Case History

April 26, 2009

Dr Farquar on Culture


By Jingo! Why do Calvinistic priests advise the missionary position when it is clear they prefer Revelation’s ‘two-backed beast’. Walter Shock

Dr Farquar says: That’s lay preachers for you. This eye to eye shagging principle for boring straight people was invented by impotent priests and thought best for the ‘lesser races’ by their local clergy in the days when it wasn’t even called sex at all. It was named the ‘sin of the flesh’ and using dirty nasty willies and playing with each others icky sticky twiddley bits was something your local vicar’s wife hated. So, sex was very much a reluctant face to face activity and any other foraging including the use of tongues and clothes brushes were banned.

Personally I would adopt a very different position. This draconian maxim smacks of a male dominated imperialist class society. What’s wrong, for instance, with being totally f*cked by socialism for a change? More importantly, when will women come out on top on this issue?

It is our culture for the government to sell overpriced cigarettes to smokers with a sign on each pack saying they intend to kill you with them. At the next budget the chancellor should treat smokers like any other drug abuser. They get free methadone to wean themselves off the habit, so why not give smokers free fags on ‘pay exempt’ prescription schemes for hopeless addicts with a different health warning sign saying “Smoking for free will still kill you but this pack is tax free meaning that at least the usual revenue obtained by the government means you would not have been an accessory to killing an Afghan.” Ginger Yersell

Dr F: Who would want to kill a long haired dog when it had just been wormed, anyway? You won’t catch me smoking. I have a special hiding place in the controlled drug store where I keep my vodka too.

If you want to smoke and live to a ripe old age please attend my surgery where, under local anesthetic, I can supply you with gills. This way the harmful smoke will pass through the top half of your body with the benefit of huge slits made in your neck with carpet scissors and washing up gloves converted to small bellows, left and right. It’s rather revolutionary so it’s just as well I have a dishwasher now anyway. Packet warnings for those who have the procedure will read “Polo necked sweaters or scarves may render you impotent and harm your unborn baby and usually in that order.”

I’m a fairground follower and sometimes we make a profit on a good show, other times we don’t. It’s all swings and roundabouts. I am a swarthy, tattooed lady and can tell your future if you buy me a candy-floss and a Tango. Unfortunately, I fell off the carousel and got one leg caught up in the waltzer. Now, I wear my kidneys as earrings and walk with a limp. As a Doctor what would you do? Eileen Dover

Dr F: I would probably limp too. Due to your weird West Country accent I couldn’t understand your email. I thought you said CASSEROLE instead of CAROUSEL. In which case ignore my advice about trying a little more stock and not so many carrots next time.

Culture is that all around us. It embraces everything we see and appreciate in all walks of life. It’s about individual custom and creed, community ritual, and traditional ceremony with celebration of that particular culture. It’s about living archives. It’s about regard to how one may want to live and die. It’s about architecture, history and genealogy. The fables and taboos within a human society that are rich in diversity. Guess what? I live in Bootle, meaning that I have no idea what I am talking about. Beat that! Scouse Gett

Dr F: To the contrary! Liverpool is the European Capital of Culture. An EU project designed to highlight the culture of the continent – selecting a city that illustrates and deserves the title of ‘Capital of Culture’. Competition is always fierce, as every city bids to showcase its contribution to the world’s cultural landscape. As of 2000, the award has often gone to two or more cities, and in 2008. Liverpool shares the title with Stavanger in Norway.

Except in Norway they don’t let kids out on the street with nothing on their feet or stand behind old ladies at ATM’s keying in the pin number on their cellphone for future reference. Liverpool has the lowest reported crime incidents for over 10 years because people dare not report it anyway, unless they enjoy hospital food. On the bright side, with the price of petrol going up, a Molotov cocktail is three times less likely to be hurled though your lounge window during a repeat of Brookside.

In Liverpool, it’s OK to own a gun. It’s just that it mustn’t have any bullets in it when you want to use it.

A man from Kirkby visited my clinic with a toad on his head. I asked what was wrong, and toad said “I don’t know, but it started as a wart on my arse.”

I belong to the BNP after spending half my life learning about their methods inside the London Met. How cool is that? The new policies are very attractive, proving that we are not right wing racist bigots because we often buy takeaway food. I can re-introduce all kinds of cultures when I’m elected. Gun, knife and drug ones, for instance.. Isla Ittler

Dr F: Himmel! I know what you mean. I went for job as a paramedic at your last rally. Luckily all the violence was contained because I was put in a cell overnight. My interview lasted seven seconds and was just one question.

“Would you like to go canvassing for us and intimidate 10 Polish, 10 Africans, 10 Mexicans and several Rastafarians. Oh, and a little white fluffy rabbit.”

I said “Why the little rabbit?”

The Interviewer replied, “We like your attitude ..You’re hired”



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