Dr Farquar's Case History

April 25, 2009

Dr Farquar on Pubs


Since you prescribed me “The Five Fingered Widow” pub in Grunty Fen I have become overweight with too many pies and pints. What do you suggest? Edna Grub

Dr Farquar: Buy a Sat Nav. That way if you have anal itching you can easily find it. If you want a second opinion, I recommend the “Bash the Bishop” pub in the neighbouring village of “Stint-on-the-Bog”. This weight conscious hostelry offers a calorie controlled menu for dieters. It’s a Free House and that is why drinks and food are served ‘on the house’. The fat calorie burning occurs when you have to climb onto the roof to eat it.

I’d like to get married in my local but the law prohibits I marry my Mother-in-Law. Should I just be happy with a half of lager and a packet of pork scratchings instead? Moses Intatoon

Dr F: Yes. Don’t build her hopes up. Serves you right for living in the city. Mind you, it might seem like a bit of useless legislation to me but I have seen your intended and frankly the pumpkin on my porch last Halloween had more teeth in it.

I’m allergic to pubs. I come out in black eyes bruises and broken legs. Have you got anything I should be taking? Noah Gavin Nashite

Dr F: It seems to me you are already taking the piss. Try this. If you are ever stopped by police when driving drunk from the pub, prepare for the journey beforehand. Take the labels off all your empty beer bottles and paste them to your face, neck and arms. When the squad car pulls you over and they ask if you have been drinking say you are ‘trying give up by using ‘patches.’ It won’t stop you losing your licence, but the next day you will probably have very little recollection of this inconvenient episode.

As a man of medicine please tell me, Is it true that studies show it is possible to guess the age of a person by their urine? Shouldn’t that sort of information be on your medical records anyway? I would be less offended if you just ask my age in future rather than I try to get a full bladder into one of those silly bottles that then ends up with your turnip juice running down your elbow and onto your shoes? Cyril Wheel

Dr F: A worthy observation. This is brand new cutting edge technology. Yes. It is now, through modern research, possible, by looking at the magnified proteins and amino acids present in urine, to approximate a person’s age. But this has to be passed by each individual on the Medical board first.

I went down the pub to get a boyfriend but I was banned for being too ugly. So, with your advice, I bought a vibrator. It’s done wonders. I recommend it to facially challenged people like me. My Mother was very understanding and showed me how to use ‘Mad Max’ my black latex friend. Now her neck is much better and it has definitely eased the pain in my tennis elbow when we both play chess. Have you got anything for piles? Phillip Inora

Dr F: What else did you get for Christmas, Einstein? Two things here. If you value my opinion don’t introduce ‘Mad max’ to your piles, as your bathroom will start to look like a scene from the The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And secondly, I would not brag about the fact you play chess in the reception area. My staff just won’t believe you. There is nothing worse at this time of year than chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Whether its Fundraisers, Quizzes or Karaoke, I don’t like pubs in any event. Pierce Taneet

Dr F: Come come. Where’s your sense of community? We’re having a multicultural fancy dress tonight at the ‘Great Middle Eastern” concept bar. I’m dressed as a cross between Little Miss Muffet and deposed and executed tyrant Saddam Hussein. It’s a sell out. I’m hoping to get in without paying, but the bouncers are from Northern Iraq and I don’t really want Kurds in my way.



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