Dr Farquar's Case History

April 25, 2009

Dr Farquar on Marriage

Marriage

The lust has gone from my marriage so I’m thinking about trying sex again with my wife instead. Why? Buck Kinear

Dr Farquar: Stupid man. Your wife is a priestess and as fit as a fighter pilot’s thumbs. I would take her gently in the arms. Smother her with velvet kisses and then pull her on like a fisherman’s sock. For the love of God, take the bull by the horns. Go break a leg. Grasp the nettle. Do I have to spell it out to you? What are you going to do about what I have just suggested?

I’ll talk to her. She might be able to squeeze you in on Friday morning? (BK)

To spice up my marriage after Sunday’s sermon, I took her out for a curry and wooed her by letting her share ma crate of Jack Daniels. Are you sure it was Viagra you prescribed? It seems I’ve still got what you diagnosed as “Fred Dibnah’s chimney syndrome”. Can’t we talk about this rather sensitive condition over a strong drink? Pastor Best

Dr F: You are just out practice and, at your age, alcohol can be a passion killer. Long gone are the days when you could get plenty of hot male blood in your erectile tissue due to too much hooch. This male complaint, more commonly known as ‘brewers droop,’ is nothing to be ashamed of. Why not ask your wife if she could encourage you with the offer of a ‘white knuckle ride?’ Blackpool is nice this time of year, and a good adrenalin rush may add a flush to your wife’s cheeks, leaving her all of a flutter with a flash in her eye and a twirl of the skirt. If that doesn’t work, ask her to strangle Kojak.

I got married and it has become a dog’s life. Only the other day I was moaned at for coming in with muddy feet growling at the cat and making myself comfortable on her best furniture. Hercule Izzat

Dr F: If you expect some other poor bitch to fetch your slippers you could be barking up the wrong tree.

Something terrible happened. After a romantic night out with my lovely wife, she accidentally fell into a wishing well. So, they do work then? Tobias Apint

Dr F: Yes. Just do what you did on your honeymoon. If she tries to climb out, try KY jelly on the sides.

I have a farm called ‘Doggend Ditch’. My wife wants a divorce because I only have a very small holding but I need her on my land. Nick AJayseebee

Dr F: Don’t you have special stuff for that?

I know.. and that’s exactly why my muckspreader’s blocked. (N.A)

Dr F: Has she or you got any grounds?

About 140 acres .(N.A)

Dr F: (Wassack!) Does she have a grudge?

No. She parks her pickup in the barn .(N.A)

Dr F: (Fuckwit!!) Does she beat you up or anything?

No, we both get up at 3am around the same time. (NA)

Dr F: (Cock!!!) Has she presented a case?

Yes. But she has drunk most it already .(N.A)

Dr F: (Twat!!!!) Have you thought about getting the right briefs?

Nah. I like the ones I got tie and died in sheep dip .(N.A)

Dr F: (Sillyshite!!!!) No No No. I mean, has she drawn an affidavit?

No, but she has often drawn from our well .(N.A)

Dr F: (Knob!!!!!) I mean has she pressed a suit on you?

Yes, when we were late for church. I suffered 3rd degree burns on the inside leg and the lapels are buggered on Grandpa’s de-mob pinstripe.(N.A)

Dr F: (Aww..I give up!!!!!!) Listen, man. Are you aware of named correspondents?

I used to like ‘Whickers World’. (N.A)

Dr F: (Pass me the ruddy revolver!!!!) Have you called the C.A.B?

Nope. I got a C.O.M.B.I.N.E. (N.A)

Dr F: (Right that’s it!!!) Let me see. How can I put this? Is your wife having other relations?

Yes, but only the once. There was one Aaron MaCooties… her father… who was gonna marry her before me …but as she already had two children by her brother and there was a custody problem. That is: Nobody including Social services wanted the poor misshapen buggers because of their appalling disfigurement. (N.A)

Dr F: (Here goes nothing!!!) Disfigurement? What disfigurement?

Well. At birth ‘Maisey’ was a ‘breech’. She was delivered with her ankles stuck to her ears…

(Dr F. Thinks: No feckin’ change there then! )

……and everything was goin’ fine until the tow-truck jumped into gear at the last contraction and the poor kid had to spend the first four years of its life on cement blocks.

The other… ‘Baby Noah’ suffered crushed testicles at an early age due to being potty trained on a mop bucket.

Dr F: (Great Caesars Tits.. Give me strength!) I see. So..(ahem)..are you having relations with any other than your spouse?

Not at the moment. I’m always faithful to my wife…well… until shearing time. (N.A)

Dr F: THEN IN THE NAME OF GOD, WHAT IS YOUR WIFE WANTING TO DIVORCE YOU FOR???

She says, she can’t ever have a meaningful conversation with me . (NA )

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