Dr Farquar's Case History

April 25, 2009

Dr Farquar on Fear


If God wanted us to be brave why did he give us legs? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar says: Bravery and courage and sticking up for yourself has nothing to do with having legs. Look at Heather Mills. It didn’t stop her making allegations, even after Sir Paul told her to ‘Hoppit’.

What did people avoid things like before the plague? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F: Something they should take three times a day with water. Soap.

There are many people scared of heights, so why aren’t there people scared of widths? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F: Weight gain and the ‘middle age spread’ is a phenomenon that fills people with dread. But more often than not it’s just food. For example, I still have a ‘washboard stomach’ but it’s just piled up with too much laundry at the moment.

Isn’t depression simply anger without enthusiasm? (Contributed by Tinman)

Dr F: Drinking alcohol and all sorts of depression are closely linked. After 8 pints it soon starts to lift.

I’m very afraid of you. You diagnosed my wife with ‘blue tongue’ when she had only been out blackberry picking for half an hour. To top it all, back in 1993, you said our child was born a ‘blue baby’ needing a blood transfusion, when it emerged that what happened was you dropped a leaky fountain pen into my wife’s vagina during the delivery. Now our young son has too much blood and looks like a Floridian water melon that is so ripe it might burst.

Dr F: Well, as I say ‘all’s well that ends well’. Look on the bright side, your son is very promising at playing rugby at school. Even if the other kids do like to use him as the ball.

Why be worried about the end of the world? Won’t at least half of the world die the day before you do? (Contributed by Douglas Shaw)

Dr F: Yes. Giving you plenty of time to shit yourself properly before meeting your maker, where you can be washed clean of your sins.

Why do we ‘dress to kill’? (Contributed by MailBits.com)

Dr F: Because these shoes are killing me.

Why is it that so many people can’t wait to get to Heaven, but are so afraid of dying? (Contributed by Debbie Abbott)

Dr F: Yes. Do you remember when the Pope was shot five times? He made ‘reluctance to die’ a sporting moment. I blame him for making the sign of the cross on his chest because that was exactly where the bullets went.

Did you know that anger is only one letter short of danger and danger causes fear? (Contributed by Gary W.)

Dr F: What a wonderful play on words. I know your brother Rick. The ‘P’ is silent.

Why do we tell someone who’s all riled up to keep their shirt on? (Contributed by MailBits.com)

Dr F: Some men on building sites will ‘give you the shirts off their back’ because they are ‘ Howards Way’. That’s why they like to show off their ‘cleavage’ to other men after they have already taken their shirt off.

How do you know a construction worker is gay? They lay ‘lilies on the pond’.

This is the shameful act of putting layers of tissue paper on the water in the Portaloo before they give birth to ‘Meatloaf’s daughter’ to stop a small Tsunami soaking the bumcheeks.

Is a Phobophobe someone who is afraid of fear or afraid of being afraid? (Contributed by the Duke of Endor)

Dr F: I wouldn’t worry about it. You might end up worrying you are worrying, leading to more worry. Anyway do you want the bad news or the really bad news?

I’d like the really bad news first, Doctor.

Dr F: You have cancer.

Oh dear. How about giving me just the bad news then?

Dr F: You have Alzheimer’s too.

Thank God for that. At least I don’t have cancer.

The threat by you to over prescribe me extra laxative for my constipation was not needed thank you Doctor. The very thought of an ‘aerosol arsehole’ scared the shit out of me anyway. (Fleur Rescent)

Dr F: Job done. Literally. Constipation has been with us since bible times and here is proof positive..

1) Cain wasn’t Abel.
2) Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3) King David sat on the throne for forty years.
4) Solomon – neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5) Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

If L….L…Logophobia is a f….f….f…fear of w….w….w…words then if I c..c..can p….p….pronounce my d….d…disorder am I c……c….cured? (Spike Kenleekamarn)

Dr F: Absolutely! Except you suffer from a speech impediment and another malady the generic term of which is “Bollockbrains” or now known as …. Lopadotemakhoselakhogaleokranioleipsanodrimypotrimmatosilphio Karabomelitokatakechymenokichlepikossyphophattoperisteralektryonop tokephalliokigklopeleiolagōiosiraiobaphētraganopterýgōn.

You also tested positive for prostate gland problems so at least now you can pee like you speak.



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