Dr Farquar's Case History

April 24, 2009

Dr Farquar on Colloquialisms


If Colloquialism is another word for slang what is another word for Hughie Green? Uri Kunt

Dr Farquar says: Good question. I like a quick ‘Hughie Green’ when ‘opportunity knocks’ so probably the phrase ‘stepping on the Gloy bottle’ springs to mind.

Is a ‘Carpet Muncher’ a woman who shops at Millets and looks a bit like Bobby Davro? Charlie Chugnuts

Dr F: How observant! Note that this minority usually have a bikini line ‘like a barbers floor on a Saturday morning’.

I tried ‘comfort eating’ to deal with the grief of having ginger hair and failing my History grades. An unfair exam that asked me questions about stuff that happened long before I was even born. Are you sure I should be consuming fabric conditioner? Theodore Open

Dr F: Listen up, Duracell. Try ‘Lenor’ instead. It leaves your ‘Sir Douglas’s’ fragrant and fluffy and gives them that little extra bounce off the back of the pan.

You duped my Grandmother to attend your surgery suffering from bad knees. Now your knees are better you lied to her suggesting that you ‘doubled on a Wednesday’ as a ‘beneath the navel beautician’ and that you specialised in ‘front bottom bushwhacking’ saying that you could transform her tired ‘shredded cardboard wig look’ into a ‘Craig David’. I had a look and the contents of her drawers look more like Hitler’s moustache halfway through dessert. Maud Damerrier

Dr F: Yes. I had the privilege of conducting a full examination on this 93 year old female. Give me some credit now she has a ‘Designer Vagina’. Before her appointment she looked like she was wearing a ‘polar bear trappers hat’. Now she can wear ‘cooter cutters’ just like Daisy Duke to aid better visibility when climbing out of car windows when the child-locks jam.

Slang in London used to be called “Cockney Rhyming” , but it’s now dated and obtuse. For example: ” Take a ‘Butchers hook’. I’m just back from the ‘Rubba Dub Dub” around the ‘Jack Horner’ where I had a ‘Gypsies kiss’ on my ‘Daisy Roots’ because I was ‘Brahms and List'” This has been replaced by ‘Popney Rhyming slang’ and so thus brings this limited vocal skill for Big Gobs from Bethnal Green out of their gutters and into East Anglia and the fresh air of Norfolk and surrounding narrow-boats. As Mike Reid is dead maybe you could explain it to me? Sabrina Washinin

Dr F: I’ll try. I hasten to add that I don’t like people who can’t do joined up writing, buggering about with the Queens English, even if she is German. Here is my ‘Popney Rhymes’ list hoping it will leave you as edified as a short-sighted Colonel wearing a ‘giggle-belt’ to hide his ‘corned beef cudgel’.

* Jimmy Page….bird cage
* Kula Shaker…sandwich maker
* The Doors…Santa Claus
* Billy Ocean….lotion
* Garry Barlow…Monte Carlo
* Lenny Kravitz…..rabbits
* Lionel Richie…itchy
* Wu Tang Clan…transit van
* Sharleen Spiteri….hairy
* Dr Dre….croquet
* Lauren Hill…chill
* Alanis Morissette…vet
* ‘Nsync…stink
* Keith Flint….skint
* U2….flu
* Mel B….wee
* Slim Shady…old lady
* George Michael…cycle
* Sinead O’Connor…Donna (kebab)
* Kurt Cobain…Drain
* Barry White….fright
* Andrea Corr…door
* Ronan Keating…heating
* Jarvis Cocker…off your rocker
* Tina Turner…nice little earner
* Ricki Martin…side parting
* R Kelly…beer belly
* Axl Rose…nose
* Puff Daddy…golf caddy
* Mariah Carey…lairy
* Billie Piper…windscreen wiper
* Shania Twain…pain
* Fat Boy Slim…gym
* Britney Spears…beers
* Noel Gallagher… Malaga

Last time I attended your rectal clinic you found a mince pie up my ‘balloon-knot’ and gave me some cream for it. Now I have found a red snooker ball stuck in my ‘ Itchypoo Park’. Should I follow through with another colour? Avaline Mabed

Dr F: Why? Is “Mr Brown at the window?”



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