Dr Farquar's Case History

April 24, 2009

Dr Farquar on American Football

American Football

I love American football. It’s just a bunch of blokes dressed in very dated shoulder padded ‘eighties’ accessories. You don’t see The All Blacks looking like Cilla Black in a scooter helmet, do you? Ben Tazabanana

Dr Farquar says: Yes, all American footballers are afraid to go out and play in case they might get hurt and there is not enough Germolene to go round. When they are not trying to kick the feck out of each other, they start on other countries dressed in bomber jackets, tank tops and flares.

Surely, The Miami Dolphins are the greatest. They are not worried about how stupid they look in colourful riotgear. R. Sole

Dr F: The Dolphins are famous for one thing. Trying to communicate with a series of clicking noises while wearing an illfitting gum shield and getting caught in fishnets when they clearly don’t suit them.

I’m a drunken quarterback. Last night I spent all night in the bar waiting for somebody to kick off. Red Marights

Dr F: Thats nothing. I started to play American football in bed last night. First I farted and said to my wife “Touchdown, I’m up 7 nothing.”

Mrs F. let one go and said “Touchdown…Tie score”

I tried to quack louder but broke the defence on the 9yrds line and followed through into my jim-jams.

Mrs F. said “What in the world was that?”

I said “Half time…Switch sides.”

How do I stop my craving to be an all-star player for the New York Giants? I’m a gay dwarf and refuse to beat up women. Dick Dragon

Dr F: Follow your dream. Start off and be a mascot. Let the players use you in the changing rooms as a loofer and then learn to deliver pizzas while studying to learn the Miranda rights.

Why do cheerleaders always smile even if their team is losing? Mick O’Lob

Dr F: Because they get to cheer the ‘touchdowns’ on the field and also still get ‘feeled’ with the ‘touch-ups’ in the changing room. The trouble starts when the coach catches you with a ball in one hand and has to caution you for ‘offensive touching’ and with ‘just one knee on the ground’ when you have a ‘tight-end.’

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