Dr Farquar's Case History

April 20, 2009

Dr Farquar’s Actual Facts

Actual Facts

Did you know Mark Twain was born on and died on days when Halley’s Comet can be seen? During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen. Lola Bollox

Dr Farquar says: I bet Mum’s proud of him. Did you also know that he borrowed huge sums of money during his life to pay off debts because of failed business ventures? It’s a shame he didn’t see that bugger coming as well?

US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen. Zelda Hoose

Dr F: That is why there is so much US money laundering then? Yes the Yankee dollar is not just Uncle Sam’s property but singularly the most widespread currency used in the entire world. Interestingly though the dollar over the last few years has fallen so much against the Mighty Euro in value its economic status is compared by economists to that of a third world country.

Instead of cotton and linen dollars soon the US cash reserve will be turning their money into recycled loo roll. A lot kinder to your bottom than the bastards have been to the rest of the world and the environment. It is also fact that their Declaration of Independence was written on hemp, or marijuana paper. Another reason for America to ‘get really bombed’ for a change.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. Silius Fekk

Dr F: Thank God for that. I thought a rabbit had shat in ma bobbly.

Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number. Isaac Lozenges

Dr F: I am superstitious. I believe it’s bad luck to buy and use different coloured bubble bath because all the bubbles end up being white anyway.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar Anna Seeya Anraysha

Dr F: Nice to see you playing with a full deck again.

The “spot” on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino. Jonah Club

Dr F: What do you call an albino flying an airplane? A pilot you racist! I took a blind Polish albino Buddhist monk to Burger King. He asked the vendor to ‘make him one with everything.’ At that point… pilot or not … I threw him out of the airplane which really frightened the shit out of his dog.

Do you know there are 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 dictionary that were misspelled? Mori Less

Dr F: That’s called Dickslecksia. I mean Diggslegssia. Oh feck…

Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins (Elsa Löwenthal and Emma Wedgewood respectively). Olivia Wivmafokes

Dr F: Really? Well if you incest. No wonder one was into Relativity from firsthand experience while the other believed we evolved alongside our closest cousins. Why don’t we all shag our Gran just to be sure?

The “save” icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards. Jonas Onaweb

Dr F: I bet you are the sort of person who owns a computer. Am I right? Here is my advice..

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up on your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don’t tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say “Hi” to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven’t spoken to in years because they don’t have an email address.

Have “.com” officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn’t meet in a chat room.

Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system. Fraser Shirtcuff

Dr Farquar says: Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans and cane sugar, thus a healthy snack. They prevent heart attacks. They contain preservatives to make you look younger.

The downside? If you get it on your fingers while in a hot car you are eating it too slowly.

As for the dog dilemma? It costs only one bar of chocolate to kill your dog. Think of how much more it would cost to have it ‘put down’ leaving you to spend what you would have saved on more chocolate.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured , they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape. Ginger Yersell

Dr F: Dead handy when your Spitfire dumps in the drink then?

Just imagine. Even if you manage to drag your half severed limbs from the cockpit alight with gallons of aviation fuel, you at least have a chance to read your ingenious waterlogged map amidst 30ft waves before Jerry picks you up!

Did you also know that the day Sir Winston Churchill became Prime Minister and led us to war, he fell out of a cab pissed and broke his hip, hence the walking aid he was so often seen with. No wonder he always gave two fingers to the camera.

Of all US prisoners 55% are in prison for drug offences. Clem Atus

Dr Farquar says: Now there’s a surprise. On the bright side.. this proves that the whole US gene pool doesn’t have a ‘deep end’.

To all our Colonial cousins across the pond. We gave you Hamlet. You gave us Macdonalds! I expect you still think the former is a Happy Meal too!

This brings us to more admin issues. If you come from Arkansas and want to register with my surgery please fill in the following form below with the help of your elbows, some stolen diesel, a greasy air hat and torn ill-fitting plaid shirt: (Large spaces are left in between the words on this form for easy reading and leaving you time at intervals to change a tyre, shoot a possum or take a dump over yonder in Bubba’s barn.)

Last Name: ________________ (last)

First Name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hairdresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse’s Name: __________________________

(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______

Father’s Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 Other N/A Circle highest grade or state.
(‘State’ does nor mean ‘ Idaho’ it means for example: Taught at Home/ Clems bar / Megs truckstop / or jail etc)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home or did you steal it from Jed’s farm? ( )

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still start up
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

____ Shitter

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
Rifle and Shotgun ( )

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

( ) After Harvest

( ) When I get to date my teenage daughter ‘Lulabelle’.

(_) Not Applicable

Colour of teeth:

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_) Red-Man ( ) Tobacco twist ( )Any old shit ( )

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don’t know

How computer literate are you?

Do you open your email:

Howdy Yall ( )

With a belch or fart ( )

Is your screen saver a picture of :

Your naked sister ( )

Your favourite truck/ rifle/ haystack/beltbuckle ( )

A member of your family shovelling roadkill for Sunday roast ( )

Yo Mama ironing clothes in the driveway ( )

A Billy goats ‘boobies’ ( )

The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. Ry Vita

Dr Farquar says: How utterly abysmal! What can you get from Argos that thickness that won’t break the first time you use it?

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos . Seb Mahartoot

Dr F: Like Tesco I don’t have a clock in the surgery waiting room either. If the punters are 5 minutes or less late for an appointment I make them wait until nightfall and force them to use a sextant.

If my patients are any later than 10 minutes I invite ‘passers by’ to come in for rectal examinations showing latecomers what I will do to them if they are not punctual in future.

The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before it. Melissa Mortals

Dr F: I bet forgettable gawky gardening icon Gay Search never takes for granted seeing men languishing about public conveniences carrying mouthwash taking her name in vain either.

By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. Alf Koff

Dr F: Yes. Please also note. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married but if I combine both our facts together I might get laid after all.

Jim Henson first coined the word “Muppet”. It is a combination of “marionette” and “puppet.” Felix MaBaps

Dr F: Do you know what Kermit said at Jim Henson’s funeral? Feck all.

About 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the United States. June Awank

Dr F: Wow. That’s enough to fill a whole Holland and Barratts shop. These look-a-like anti-depressants and sedatives (Please compare with Dothiapin Zoplicone Risperdone and Olanzapine) make good active placebos allowing me to pocket at least £6 per prescription. If they fail to combat patients psychosomatic symptoms I switch to ‘Smarties’ because they are slightly cheaper and everybody feels happier after an overdose.

Mind you, I once prescribed American hardgums to cure diarrhoea for Mrs Timkin but she preferred ordinary suppositories…..in the end.

The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil). Saul Thereis

Dr F: Surely you mean ‘I saw that’ ‘I heard that’ ‘I’m gonna tell’.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. Tish Yoo

Dr F: Even Doctors get sick. I have a sneezing condition that brings me to orgasm. It’s a wretched malady and can happen at the most inappropriate times. There is no known cure and when the pollen count is high it becomes a laundry issue. When the pollen count drops to zero I prescribe myself pepper.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads. Tilda Cooscumhome

Dr F: The word AMERICAN stands for ‘Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps And Nausea.’ Whereas PIA (Pakistan International Airlines) stands for ‘Please Inform Allah’.



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