Dr Farquar's Case History

April 19, 2009

Dr Farquar on Everlasting Life

Everlasting Life

Aren’t the best things in life found when not looking? (Contributed by Aubryn)

Dr F. Except if you step in dog shit. If God meant us to poop scoop, then why is that ‘hand to texture’ moment, so unpleasant, followed by a gagging stench? Like dogs we should shit where we stand and then, like them, do that static ice skating motion with our feet. In the good old days dog-squeeze was allowed to bake in the sun and go white with a degree of dignity.

Why is the meaning of life so hard to find when you have a dictionary? (Contributed by Richard)

Dr F. Obviously, people like Roget and Collins are totally fulfilled just writing dictionaries. They have found their life’s purpose in the correct use of the English language. Personally, I think they should try something more exciting in the literary world. The real meaning of Life is to make up your own swear words like, ‘Fuffytitburger’, ‘Spunksloppybollockchops’ or ‘Jesussheepsqueeze’ and my favourite “Scroteandsmegrectum basketweaveshagnastypointytits”.

If you’re not living life on the edge, are you taking up too much space? (Contributed by Gord)

Dr F. If you are too laid back, will you ever bend over backwards for people?

Have you ever stopped to think and forgot to start again? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. This only happens after fifteen pints and I try to count my money in the Gents.

If you think you’re indecisive how can you be sure? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. I wouldn’t like to guess. I make tough decisions every day. For example, should I tell somebody they have a terminal disease by introducing a cash back scheme?

Is it true that someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. It would depend on who is taking the drugs first. Logical thinkers are hard to penetrate. Always initiate sex when overwhelmed with alcohol.

Why do a great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices? (Contributed by William James)

Dr F. I object to that. I had to fill out a form in order to be examined by a surgeon for a foot operation. It was a tick box affair of fifty categories to see if I was white, Hindu, Afro Caribbean, American Jew, Irish Pole or some other. So, I went dressed as a cross-dressing albino Moonie with paedophile tendencies. As luck would have it my surgeon was a Buddhist dildo-wearing lesbian pygmy. Under full anaesthetic the operation was a success but now my arse is sore.

How can you think out loud? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F. That’s called Tourettes Syndrome. If you suffer from obscene involuntary outbursts I can offer you mood altering drugs. On the other hand, think how quick you got served at the bar last time?

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