Dr Farquar's Case History

April 19, 2009

Dr Farquar on Definitions

Definitions

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: Claire Rayner was a chronically obese Agony Aunt. So you could say she was a fat lot of good.

Why can’t we ever Sit to be corrected? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: I prefer it when you whip and spank me…chase me around the surgery and call me names.

Why when I wind up my watch I start it but when I wind up a project I end it? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: You don’t have to wind me up to get me started. For example, a patient named Rick (the ‘p’ was silent) demanded treatment because he said that he had ‘wound up an alcoholic’. I threw him out of my office until he promised to apologise to the bloke.

Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: I always thought it was the space between a pair of tits. Like the occasional table on Richard and Judy.

Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: Fast for a month if you really want to slow down.

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: I once tried to buy some soft furnishings from a seven foot Irish curblayer. He told me “It’s totally fireproof, so it is.” I answered “You mean you are well and truly retarded then?” To my very sore surprise he placed the item at a very awkward angle up my arsehole. That is the last time I try to buy a ‘pouffe’ in Dublin.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: What you get if you nick my parking space. I put a shopping trolley in mine to stop the thieving bastards. This strategy works particularly well at Tesco. Once there, I just sat parked in the last available space with my engine and headlights on and indicating to turn out and leave (but without moving) for an hour. You should see the buggers queue then. When enough shoppers are poised with anticipation, turn your engine and lights off and starting read a newspaper.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: I looked you over and the only thing you don’t have is hypochondria.

Why do they call them offspring? Why not onspring? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: Because to make them you have to first spring on and then spring off.

If horrific means to make horrible does terrific mean to make terrible? (Contributed by Eldridge Scales)

Dr Farquar comments: How paranoid is that? Think nice thoughts and pleasant feelings, erm…do you still get those panic attacks?..Now… let me see. Dream of swaying palms… and sand dunes …with a clear blue alluring sky……………………………………….. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
………………………………………………………………………BOO! ……………NOW F*CK OFF!

Why do we say Lets get this show on the road when we want it to start? Doesn’t that imply the opposite? (Contributed by Claire B.)

Dr Farquar comments: Only buskers should ever say that. I knew an incontinent busker. He often liked ‘to go on the road.’

Why does everybody have a different definition of ‘good enough’? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr Farquar comments: I don’t know. In my case it’s not good enough.

Why are people overwhelmed but never just whelmed? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr Farquar comments: Bowel movements can be overwhelming. My advice when ‘touching cloth’ is to harness that power. Stand on a skateboard and bend down to tie your shoelaces. Presto! A new land speed record! Getting ‘whelmed’ is a Scottish term for having treatment for anal parasites.

More Definitions

If incline means to go up and decline means to go down then does cline mean to stay even? (Contributed by Jim Adams)

Dr Farquar comments: ‘De’ is the precursor to a verb or adjective which means to express the opposite of said verb. I will ‘de-complicate’ this grammatical conundrum for you.

If a clergyman can be de-frocked then it follows that electricians can be de-lighted, and musicians de-noted. Cowboys de-ranged, laundry workers de-pressed and possibly de-pleted. It may emerge bed-makers become de-bunked and innocent female landscapers de-flowered. This is why driving instructors are often de-tested. I would like to de-brief Kate Moss while her boyfriend is de-coct by the press and left to de-compose. George Best was de-livered and I hope at the next election Tony Blair will be de-voted.

Just what does ‘OK’ stand for? (Contributed by Building19)

Dr Farquar comments: It’s a general term of agreement or that all is in order. The term was first heard in the US during the 1840 election of president Martin Van Buren meaning ‘Orl Korrect a bastardisation of his nickname “Old Kinderbrook”. Some say the abbreviation was attributed to an Indian warrior Chief ‘Oled Keobuck’ who was known by the white man as ‘OK’. There is widespread speculation. Some say it was the oatmeal crackers that the American Civil War soldiers consumed as rations bearing the initials ‘OK’ for the Orrins Kendall biscuit company. The Finns claim it derived from the ‘Orkea’ meaning correct. The French insist it comes from goods ready to be shipped or ‘au quai’(on the quay).Yet still, the Scottish believe it is from their own colloquialism ‘Och Aye’.

Its all toe-grit and puss-bags to me . Everybody knows it’s the magazine handed to me by a poof when I’m under a hairdryer.

Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night? (Contributed by Dan St.Amand)

Dr Farquars comments: I was up all night because an Indian disagreed with me. We exchanged many frank words in our respective languages.

Why does the word ‘sanction’ mean both to permit and to prohibit? How are you suppose to know which it is? (Contributed by Dave Tippett)

Dr Farquar comments: If God promised to forgive our trespassers does that mean I have to let them out of my allotment shed?

Why does brushing UP on something help you to get it DOWN pat? (Contributed by Steve Anderson)

Dr Farquar comments: Brush up your appearance for a start. As a road sweeper you should look less slovenly. If you wore a suit at work like I do maybe people wouldn’t drop litter around you so much.

If there are fastidious people does that mean there are also slowtidious people? If so just what do these people do? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr Farquar comments: I’m C of E so I don’t believe in that shite.

How can you “blatantly” ignore something? Since blatant means conspicuous obvious and offensively noisy or loud do you think its really possible to blatantly ignore something? (Contributed by Wayne )

Dr Farquar comments: Next.

If ‘X’ is an unknown quotient and a ‘spurt’ is a drip under pressure, what exactly is an ‘Expert’? (Contributed by Rob)

Dr Farquar comments: Experts are like the cream of the medical fraternity. Rich thick and full of clots.

Why is the letter ‘X’ used to represent the unknown? (Contributed by Floyd)

Dr Farquar comments: XXX implies X-rated. I mistook Ikea for a giant sex shop. The feckin’ family thermos flask still chafes on amorous picnics with my secretary. It’s murder trying to negotiate country stiles.

http://DrFarquar.wordpress.com
http://FugitiveAuthor.com
http://DailyReckless.co.uk

Advertisements

Leave a Comment »

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: