Dr Farquar's Case History

April 18, 2009

Dr Farquar on Life

Life

If that thigh reducing cream all the women are raving about really works wouldn’t you think it would shrink their hands too? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. I don’t care as long as they don’t get any of it on my knob.

When you open a new bag of cotton balls is the top one meant to be thrown away? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Yes. It’s a cotton picking fact.

How can there be self-help “groups”? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Crowd comfort should not mean a mass grave.

If x-rays aren’t too deadly for the body why do the nurses all leave the room? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Because they can see right through people like you.

What is the purpose of the red string on Band-Aid brand adhesive packages? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. The same reason there is too much ‘red tape’ on Babybels and when you register at my surgery.

Why are flesh coloured band-aids the colour of white people’s skin? (Contributed by Jeanine)

Dr F. In case you cut yourself with racist blades.

If only the good die young will we live forever? (Contributed by J.J.)

Dr F. If you die good, it’s like dying healthy. What’s the point?

Should research studies be outlawed? (Contributed by Laura S.)

Dr F. Researchers are well paid assistants to experts in their field. After all.. somebody has to look under rocks for years… getting world renown and shedloads of cash… while ‘the purple rinse brigade’ spend the last few precious months of their frail lives running a charity shop… unpaid…. trying to sell other folks shite… to pay for more experts… to appear in …The Lancet and other highbrow medical journals. Everybody wants to be a feckin’ expert, don’t they? ‘Experts’.my shiny mottled arse. I won’t tell you again. Bollox to research! If you want information about shit …well… that’s what I’m here for. I have read authoritative books on every subject..I have done ample studies..pondered over countless articles and cross referencing on such matter to do with every aspect of life. I have broadband you have a little faith in your doctor, I’m a ‘pin up’ for vasectomies.

If walking is so good for you why does my postman look like Jabba the Hut? (Contributed by Dennis Miller)

Dr F. Have you asked him about your missing Tesco coupons ?

Isn’t today the last day of your life so far? (Contributed by Giggles)

Dr F. I saw the popular disaster movie “The day After Tomorrow” so what the fuck are you on about?

How do you get the germs off of your soap? (Contributed by Poppi c15)

Dr F. Compulsive disorders like yours are fairly uncommon. But I’m glad you got the national minimum wage cleaning my surgery. We just have to work on your involuntary projectile vomiting in the staff canteen. Aim further up the queue…. I get more choice of salads, that way.

If you suffer from kleptomania would you take something for it? (Contributed by Tony Sanchez)

Dr F. You may have to pinch yourself with this advice. Don’t go to an herbalist. They are daylight shrubbery.

More Life

If you saw someone drowning and it was only 55 minutes after you had eaten would you have to wait 5 minutes before diving in to save them? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F. Throw them half your takeaway meal to save time.

Why is the letter E on the top of the eye chart? And why? (Contributed by David Feldman)

Dr F. So it spells, ‘eptqrnlafsuzjwdxovm’ of course.

Do you think the alleged health experts who are constantly reminding us to wash our hands before eating have ever heard of silverware? (Contributed by Fog Free Freddy)

Dr F. Only be concerned if you need cutlery to piss with.

Could someone ever get addicted to counselling? If so how could you treat them? (Contributed by Jim de Graff)

Dr F. With contempt. People with real issues need mainstream counselling. Peter Doherty for instance is a ‘talentless tosser’ with the appeal of a crop of boils under your ball-bag and just needs proper support and a little understanding.

When someone doesn’t eat very much, why do we say they eat like a bird? A bird needs to eat at least half its own weight in food each day just to survive. So if we say someone eats like a bird, wouldn’t that mean that they eat too much? (Contributed by MailBits.com)

Dr F. I knew a bird like that. She ate like an overworked sludgepump. She just seemed to open her mouth and walk forward. ‘Garbage Guts’ I called her. In the end, I made her pay for her own kebab.

If maple syrup comes from maple trees, where does cough syrup come from? (Contributed by Parker MacMillan)
Dr F. I don’t know but Boots have branches everywhere. Didn’t you twig that?

Why is it that we’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive our cars 90 miles an hour to make up for lost time? (Contributed by Rodney & Cathy’s Joke List)

Dr F. There is no supplement for vitamins. Centuries ago pirates would get on the Seven Seas using Omega diet. It would make them have to stick their arse over the portside and shit in the sea. That’s why mariners were called ‘oceangoing’.

Why is it ‘dirty’ to use someone else’s soap? Isn’t soap self-cleaning? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. My car’s an automatic, but I still have to be there.

Does aromatherapy make scents? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F. Who scent this? I bet you stink to high heaven! Perfume is a physical advert that you have bad hygiene. Like motorists who like to have a scented tree hanging from the rear view mirror. It tells other drivers they have a sweaty crotch. The body’s natural musk is full of phenoromes that when your nostrils are overwhelmed you inexplicably get an erection a cat can’t scratch. Like blue steel it is. So, on the plus side, if you smell like a haddock you much more likely to get laid by your GP. Look at Napoleon when he wasn’t saying ‘Not tonight Josephine’ it’s a historic fact he was saying ‘Don’t bathe tonight’ . Why? Because he liked a bint to smell ‘off’ as a bucket of prawns in the sun.. A whale produces over 32 gallons of sperm in one ejaculation (that is ‘both barrels’ of course, and the reason its called a sperm whale) So don’t moan when I wipe it on the duvet occasionally.

Do you think there just might be something to acupuncture? After all, you never see any sick porcupines, do you? (Contributed by Bob Goddard)

Dr F. Hedgehogs too. Well.. some get squashed. Mind you.. aren’t there are enough pricks on the road?

Does anybody know what the ‘X’ in X-ray stands for? (Contributed by ImmSpec)

Dr F. Xenophobia. It stops you looking at the colour of another’s skin as some kind of barrier. At the end of the day we are all the same on the inside. Especially overweight white heterosexual middle class males who vote BNP.

Yet More Life

What good is a ticket to the good life if you can’t find the entrance? (Contributed by Keith Sullivan)

Dr F. Come to my surgery and get your ticket punched.

Did you ever wonder that if everybody became somebody there wouldn’t be anybody left to be nobody? (Contributed by Sinnful)

Dr F. Try to wish that you were what you were when you wanted to be what you are now.

What would life be like without rhetorical questions? (Contributed by Dark Shadow)

Dr F. Very droll. Conversation would become very one-sided. Social interaction stilted as if talking in ‘headlines’ and just a collection of unrelated observational and dysfunctional statements more akin to a continuous and badly rehearsed comedic sketch from a Monty Python Show. Except for any other reason than to amuse initially, its nonsensical lack of value, would render everyday dialogue unrewarding and laboriously counterproductive. It would be like talking to a multi option phone response. Or, spending all our lives reading a shopping list to each other. Humans need to respond with comment and debate in their ultimate search for knowledge and insight….. and a shag. Is that good enough for you smartarse? (You don’t have to answer that question.)

Why is the world colourful when life is monochrome? (Contributed by Daniel Cyre)

Dr F. I over prescribed your methadone.

Isn’t life just one of those things? (Contributed by SuperCOW)

Dr F. If you are a river bird you could be just swan of those things.

There are lots of things in life more important than money. But why do they all end up costing you money too? (Contributed by Jim Moore Jr.)

Dr F. Money doesn’t exist. Credit or interest is non-existent too. How can you owe interest when it’s not real money and just an electronic exercise? Gold is the only legal tender. Centuries ago, as more people wanted more shopping, gold was not enough to go around, and the bastard clergy wanted to keep it all, anyway. Paper money replaced gold, and the Papacy kept the gold in the Vaticans basement, hoping no fucker would notice the swap. Money became an ‘iou’ or a ‘promise to pay’ piece of paper. Cheques are ‘pretend’ money. That’s why travellers always pay for their ‘morning after’ pills in jewellery. I’m not stupid. They trust me.

When you can’t see the bright side of life is it possible to polish the dull side? (Contributed by WrqnHrd)

Dr F. It depends if your reputation is already tarnished.

Is the biggest ever decision in life to look or to look away? And if you choose to look away are you not still looking? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F. You have a cast in your eye the size of Eastenders. Please stop saying , “what do you two buggers want” to me? I diagnosed double vision, so that’s twice my fee, thanks. If, you can see your way clear.

Sometimes don’t you just feel like you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe? (Contributed by Krista)

Dr F. Some people are just never happy with their ‘lot’.

If you want to have your outlook in life enlarged why would you go to a shrink? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F. Looking at the size of your penis a shrink is the last thing you need.

Even More Life

Is it possible that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others? (Contributed by Funny Bone)

Dr F. If you wanted to cement a relationship with world leaders would that set a president for you?

How come it takes half your life-time to realize that life is a do-it-yourself thing? (Contributed by Humor Bin)

Dr F. Getting sex can be difficult for some of the most attractive people. Why do you think that Spiderman has webbed fingers?

Don’t you think life is like a roller coaster? After all, there are ups and downs, right? And aren’t the downs much scarier in both? (Contributed by Laura G.)

Dr F. Depends on whose false teeth are left in your lap.

What if we are some other species’ ant hill? (Contributed by Laura G.)

Dr F. I think you are making a mountain out of an anthill. ‘The Borrowers’ were never real. It’s done digitally somehow and you cannot sleep in matchboxes. I have heard that Food giants are found in most towns and cities though.

Isn’t life just like a taxi? After all, the meter just keeps ticking whether you’re getting somewhere or just standing still, right? (Contributed by Lou Erickson)

Dr F. It depends on whose paying and how pissed you are.

Isn’t life too important to be taken seriously? (Contributed by James S. Huggins)

Dr F. You are having a laugh aren’t you?

Isn’t the purpose of life, a life of purpose? (Contributed by Robert Byrne)

Dr F. Did you ask that altogether on purpose? If life had purpose we’d have too much time on our hands. Futility is a great way to wile away the hours.

Aren’t the three ingredients to a good life, learning, earning, and yearning? (Contributed by Christopher Morley)

Dr F. In your case being a frustrated poet just makes you seem a bit of a tit.

How come just when I have learned the way to live, life changes? (Contributed by Hugh Prather)

Dr F. This by itself is a life-changing experience. I change lives. I once gave a chromium hip to somebody who just wanted dental work, when I was hungover. I changed that buggers’ life forever.

Have you ever wondered who you were in a past life? If so, have you ever wondered where your bones are buried? If so, if you found out, would you go dig yourself up? And if so, if you got caught, would you claim that you were an existentialist out trying to find yourself? (Contributed by Randy McDaniel)

Dr F. I would make no bones about it. I was regressed once. I hoped to be Hank Williams in a previous life. It was all a bit of a disappointment though. All the message said, was “Some Country and Western”. It now emerges my Hypnotherapist had misheard and I descend from “Some cunt from Preston ”

Why do people say that life is filled with disappointments? Isn’t it just one big disappointment? (Contributed by Skater)

Dr F. Life’s a beach. Cheer up. What happened in the gynaecology unit is between you and me. Apart from misplacing your glasses during the procedure the patient made a full recovery. After all you’re a damned fine vet.

Aren’t the difficulties of life intended to make us better not bitter? (Contributed by Floyd Maxwell)

Dr F. I prefer lager.

In the beginning there was nothing, right? So how could it explode? (Contributed by The Duke of Endor)

Dr F. Some of these haemorrhoid ‘hitching’ operations can be messy affairs.

If you were put on this planet to accomplish a certain number of things, then if you procrastinate, would you live longer? (Contributed by The Duke of Endor)

Dr F. I’ll tell you tomorrow. I procrastinate while love-making. I need a bit of a run-up to sex. Last time I broke the vaulting horse and snapped my banjo string.

Isn’t aging the only way to live? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Oh, grow up.

Why do they say that life is too short? Isn’t life the longest thing that you have to do? (Contributed by Zoe)

Dr F. What if you had to smoke a ten mile cigarette?

Is life one continuous cycle of exercises in futility? (Contributed by Tess)

Dr F. No. Because in my position as a qualified consultant with a duty of care I truly believe where ‘there is life there is hope’. In your case, though, don’t make any plans for tomorrow. I gave you six months to live and you’re overdue a week. Plus you owe me for the last two prescriptions. Honestly, you’d forget your balls if they weren’t in a bag.

http://DrFarquar.wordpress.com
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1 Comment »

  1. ROTFL, that was really brilliant!! My favorites were

    “Only be concerned if you need cutlery to piss with”

    and

    How come it takes half your life-time to realize that life is a do-it-yourself thing? (Contributed by Humor Bin)

    Dr F. Getting sex can be difficult for some of the most attractive people. Why do you think that Spiderman has webbed fingers?

    Comment by Mental Mist — April 19, 2009 @ 3:51 pm | Reply


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