Dr Farquar's Case History

April 18, 2009

Dr Farquar on Health and Safety

Health & Safety

If alcohol is so bad for you, why do people say when they toast, “To your very good health”?(Fooge)
Dr F. Preserve your liver. Get it pickled.

Is aromatherapy bad for your health? I heard some essential oils can be dangerous? (Fooge)
Dr F. Don’t buy an essential oil if you don’t need it.

Shouldn’t a Doctor get rid of your earlier records so he can give you a non-bias, independent health check? (Fooge)
Dr F. He will probably give you a better prognosis. For instance. Ever since I sold my Roger Whittaker records at a church fete, I feel, frankly much better in myself, and have moved on. It’s parting with my ‘Olivia Newton John Greatest Hits’ I’m struggling with.

How can I practise safe sex, when I hate confined spaces and being surrounded by other peoples valuables? (Fooge)
Dr F. I can’t think of a better combination.

Isn’t the fact Live 8 performers got $7000 worth of party gifts to perform, indicate that such lavishness in the name of charity is a breech of Health and Safety for Bob Geldof? Because knowing this fact may earn him a smack in the mouth? (Fooge)
Dr F. This is for the same reason Midge Ure was so upset about the human suffering he witnessed in Africa. So moved was he that he personally vowed (quote) ‘never to go back there’.

If religion is responsible for most of the worlds’ bloodshed over the last 6000 years why doesn’t the Bible, Koran, Book of Mormon etc have a United Nations Health and Safety warning on the preface page? (Fooge)
Dr F. Both belief in the bible and science is intellectual suicide. At nursery I was taught that a prince turned into a frog. When I went to school to learn evolution my biology teacher said we all came from frogs. The next day I go to religious instruction I was told we came from ‘the dust of the earth’. My mother said that I was brought into the world by some Stork or other. For eleven years I was questioning a tub of margarine about Darwins’ book ‘Origin of the Species’, and you come to me… with your feckin’ problems?

I’m a brownie leader and arranged a beach trip. I was arrested by the porn squad for putting sunblock on a kids arm? Am I a pervert? (Fooge)
Dr F. No. You can’t win. Next time, don’t bother and watch yourself imprisoned for neglect, because the kid ends up sunburned and with first stage melanoma! I forsee a time when you will not be able to change your own kid’s nappy without having a child psychologist, district nurse, specialist lawyer, and a representative from WHO or Amnesty International, present, before you are allowed to do so, making it easier for paedophiles to operate, undetected!

Why don’t we have a health warning on junk foods like: “This product is hardening your arteries before you unwrap it?”(Fooge)

Dr F. Here are some more..

“This ‘Pepperami’ will raise your lipids and may cause impotence. Sellotape your dick to it as a handy splint instead.”

“This Big Mac will have you pissing lard for a week.”

“The amount of Mars bars you have already eaten would have paid for your bypass.”

“Free stick to put your socks on with”

“Buy three and get a £1 off your angioplasty with BUPA”

Should I order “Toad in the Hole” if I notice, chef is missing a finger? (Fooge)
Dr F. Yes. It’s quite safe. But I would give the Spotted Dick for dessert , a miss.

Why aren’t croupiers trained in CPR. (Fooge)
Dr F. It’s no big deal.

Why does a bag of Sainsbury’s peanuts have a label “Warning this product contains nuts”?(Fooge)
Dr F. The same reason they have “may cause drowsiness” on a bottle of NYTOL.

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