Dr Farquar's Case History

April 18, 2009

Dr Farquar on Diagnosis

Diagnosis

Because life causes Cancer does that mean we must outlaw it? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Not if it starts to grow on you.

Has anybody ever wondered if it is the research that causes cancer in rats? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Do you give a rats ass? Animal activists have got it wrong. If they release rats from the lab whats going to happen? They will go hunting for sewage and thats supposed to be an improvement? Surely , its kinder to rub nail varnish in their little eyes?

I am very cheerful but found out I have a grumbling appendix, why is that? (Fooge)

Dr F. Some of my patients are never completely happy and have Irritable Bowel Syndrome which tends to piss them right off.

Why do bouncers of nightclubs ask you questions like “Do you like hospital food?” Or, make statements like “I’m gonna punch your teeth so far down your throat, you will need to stick a toothbrush up your arse to clean them.” Surely, there is no point expecting me to eat hospital food when my teeth are in my rectum? (Fooge)

Dr F. Yes, I see. Frankly, I’m allergic to nightclubs. I come out with black eyes and broken legs.

Does your prognosis improve if you never see a Doctor to get one? (Fooge)

Dr F. GP’s “know a little about a lot” . They don’t need to train now because they have the Internet which saves more time for golf, shagging nurses and other pursuits.

Why do Doctors need a hammer to test your reflexes? It’s a bit spiteful and they never tell you why they had to hit you with it? (Fooge)

Dr F. It helps them with their xylophone practice.

If a doctor is hit by lightning while up a tree, can he be struck off? (Fooge)

Dr F. Only if he goes out on a limb.

If a Surgeon gives you a circumcision while carrying out an unrelated operation, should you leave him a little tip? (Fooge)

Dr F. It’s no skin off my nose.

My twin and I have Elephantitis and are too embarrassed to swim at our local pool, what shall we do? (Fooge)

Dr F. Don’t be. Just show off your new trunks.

I have Alapecea. I’ve lost all my hair. What should I do? (Fooge)

Dr F. Just comb the area.

I fell out with my surgeon before my op to help me walk again after a car crash. I’m still waiting for the car crash. What now? (Fooge)

Dr F. Do you still stand corrected?

Will a penis shortening operation cut me off in my prime? (Fooge)

Dr F. Maybe. I was going to have one but the skip never turned up.

I have been waiting in this hospital to have two lumps removed but the waitress forgot to give me a spoon and now the tea’s gone cold. What now? (Fooge)

Dr F. Don’t waste my time. Have you not heard of Hermesetas?

I am a kleptomaniac and having surgery to remove my hands without any pain relief but acupuncture. Will I be able to feel anything? (Fooge)

Dr F. Just a bit of a prick. Complimentary medicine works. I bought some and congratulated myself on a new haircut.

Why does ‘Benign” sound much worse than “Malignant”? Couldn’t they come up with a better sounding word? When the doctor tells you the results of the test is there anybody who doesn’t immediately ask them ‘Is that good or bad’? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. I agree. The logical answer might be. “I don’t know what it’s called but it’s the size of South America and its bound to kill you.”

Can a masochist ever get a horrible disease? (Contributed by Pat F.)

Dr F. He will, and he will dread remission.

If people only binge but not purge are they ‘semi-bulimic’? (Contributed by John Lucas)

Dr F. You cannot lose your appetite and your breakfast. Cannibals, for instance ‘are what they eat’.

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