Dr Farquar's Case History

April 18, 2009

Dr Farquar on Body Neurosis

Body Neurosis

What part of a person’s physical appearance is considered “pretty ugly”? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Everybody has beauty. Apart from Peter Stringfellow, taxi drivers and bricklayers.

Why do we sometimes say we swallowed down the wrong throat? Do we have an extra one? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Only Americans. If they could spoon food up their arse, they would.

Did Adam and Eve have navels? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Very profound. No. That’s because they had no clothes to get lint inside them, in the first place.

If you are a procrastinator would you get your birth mark when you were born? (Contributed by Bman)

Dr F. Maybe. For instance Daisy Duke was probably a caesarean baby as she still likes to climb out of the sunroof.

If God had meant for us to take showers wouldn’t he have put our armpits on top of our shoulders? (Contributed by Roger Ness)

Dr F. How ingenious. Women would never have bra straps slip off the shoulder, because the stubble would keep them from falling down. Except, their shoulders would then be, under their arms, making hod-carrying difficult.

Why do we say listen to our hearts when our hearts don’t talk? (Contributed by Miriah Schaefer)

Dr F What about if you have a heart murmur?

How come your bottom is in the middle? (Contributed by Jeff S.)

Dr F. If it was at the top you would talk a lot more shit. If it was on the floor, dogs would want to eat it.

What’s with this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep? Isn’t that deep enough? What do you want? An adorable pancreas? (Contributed by Jean Kerr)

Dr F. We should have washing machine windows on our tummies, before we marry anybody. If we don’t like what we see on the outside, we could always see what they are like on the inside as long as they are not ‘washed up and finished’.

Why doesn’t flatulence appear as a white puff (or puffs as the case may be) in cold weather, like your breath does? (Contributed by Derrell Taylor)

Dr F.Interesting observation. Not many of us walk naked out into subzero temperatures with an assortment of car rear view mirrors to check this mystery out. Fart in the fridge for discretion purposes during such research. It won’t prove your point, but at least you would have ‘cut the cheese’.

Was the first body piercing some sort of horrible accident that started a trend? (Contributed by Ossie Michelin)

Dr F. This is ancient and a very tribal ritual, and probably started when ringpull cans were invented.

Most body hair only grows to a certain length, then stops, right? So how does it know when it’s been shaven and needs to start growing again? (Contributed by Anonymous Dude)

Dr F. Pubic hair can grow to up three inches. Shorter pubic hair is more coarse and ideal for soft scouring new non-stick saucepans.

If humans had tails, would we wag them when we are happy? (Contributed by Marlis)

Dr F. I often come home to my wife with my tail between my legs and it just looks like a cock to her.

Why do we call it the ‘funny bone’ when it hurts really bad when you bang it? (Contributed by Valerie)

Dr F. It’s cartilage more than bone in that area of the elbow. To avoid nerve sensitive pain in future take all the doors off the inside of your house.

What do they call the uvula in other languages? You know, the hangie-thingie in the back of your mouth. (Contributed by Janis G.)

Dr F. This is a great conversation starter for foreign people who already haven’t got a clue what you’re fucking talking about.

It was reported that a person was shot in the fracas. What part of the human anatomy is the fracas? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F. I was punched in the mayhem once, but that is the last time I go to a jumble sale organised by the Free church.

Why is it that when we have the weight of the world on our shoulders, we have to get it off our chests? (Contributed by T.M.)

Dr F. Did you give your phlegm jar to the nurse when you arrived?

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