Dr Farquar's Case History

April 18, 2009

Dr Farquar on Anti-Social Behaviour

Anti-Social Behaviour

They say you can’t take it with you when you go but what if it really wants to go with you? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F. I examined your mother’s rectum last week and it smells of carpet cleaner.

They say a stitch in time saves nine. Nine what? And what if you only wanted to save eight of them? (Contributed by W.J. Newhart)

Dr F. You’ve got the charisma of a knitting pattern.

If there is a ‘Pot of Gold’ at the end of the Rainbow how is it that no one can ever find the End of the Rainbow? Even when standing on a hill looking down at it? Doesn’t it end somewhere? (Contributed by Paula Pence)

Dr F. How illuminating. You’re nobody’s fool, but then, I hope somebody will adopt you.

Why is an unanswered question better than an unquestioned answer? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Here’s 10p. Go and call somebody who gives a shit.

Don’t you think that with the proper amount of manpower, pliers, ropes, belts and duct tape, you actually COULD lead a horse to water AND make it drink? (Contributed by Andy Overman)

Dr F. Get a job as an icecream vendor and go and top yourself.

How come by the time you find greener pastures, you can’t climb the fence? (Contributed by The Duke of Endor)

Dr F. Can I borrow your face? My arse is going on holiday.

If early birds get worms, isn’t it better to sleep in? (Contributed by Michael)

Dr F. Take your worms and shove ‘em up your arse.

What is so hard about ‘having your cake and eating it too’? (Contributed by David Packnick)

Dr F. Don’t ask m,e I’m a consultant not Ainsley bleeding Harriot.

If the squeaky wheel gets the grease, why is it that the nail that sticks out gets hammered? (Contributed by Rodney and Cathy’s Jokelist)

Dr F. In your case, the wheels still turning but the hamster’s dead.

Why do people say, ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it too’? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it? (Contributed by C.T.)

Dr F. Stop flirting with me. You may turn the heads of other GP’s but you only turn my stomach. Only the other day I shagged the back of a bus to prove this.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, shouldn’t that individual relinquish that hold until studying art? (Contributed by Lou Scrima)

Dr F. Just close you mouth for second. I want to see the rest of your face.

What would be the point of finding a needle in a haystack? Wouldn’t it be easier to just go out and buy another needle? (Contributed by Lee)

Dr.F. Sorry, you can’t help being a lardyarse. Last time you walked off with my pen and I had to write out your prescription with an anal thermometer.

If getting there is half the fun, and half a loaf is better than none, would getting halfway there with a whole loaf be more or less fun? (Contributed by M.S.)

Dr F. Try and use your loaf, even if you are thickcut and it goes against the grain. You big lairy, hairy, fairy, wanky planky, pointy tit, bollockchops.

If bread is buttered on both sides, does the bread have a preference for which side it lands on? (Contributed by Tony Fraser, Oxenford QLD Australia)

Dr F. You Ozzies are crackers. You call us Brits, POM’s. Do you know what it stands for? P. O.M stands for “Prisoner of the Monarch”. Who feels like a big sweaty wanker now then?

Who the heck would put a needle in a haystack, anyway? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F. This haystack crap is the last straw. I’m going to lunch. If you must live in this country get a good book on English quotes and maybe it will give me something to live for next time I see you. Like revenge.

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