Dr Farquar's Case History

March 27, 2009

Dr Farquar on Lethargy


I’m not lethargic when it comes to my sexual preferences. I enjoy what is commonly known as ‘watersports’ and would like to invite you to our rally in support of this. 3000 of us will be marching to Downing Street to pass water through the letterbox. Do you feel the need to go? Uri Nate

Dr Farquar says: Yes. I have my own float. Twenty quid and a dustcart made into a non-fasting 50 ml sample bottle. Let’s hope I don’t end up pissing on your parade.

Due to accidentally on purpose losing my piece of paper with shopping items written upon it I have become ‘listless’ causing me flatulence. For confidential and discretionary reasons I would rather keep it to myself. Gus Teebutt

Dr F: Wouldn’t we all? Don’t worry, only I got wind of that one. But thanks for breaking it to me gently.

In view of climate change I thought I would save energy today and not get my fat hairy spotty arse out of bed. Lizzie Lump

Dr F: Yes, you are the lazy girl that refused to get me a merest whim. As the saying goes “Hard work never killed anyone” and I’m living proof to disprove that theory in the interest of medicine and ..well…me, actually. Remember, “All play and no work makes Jack a Del-Boy”

I have it made. I just lay back on my chaise longe I bought from ‘Poundstrechers’ and my wife dangles a bunch of grapes in front of my face most evenings. Billy Idle

Dr F: Yes. How are your wife’s piles? They will retreat in the passage of time. Tell her to not be so hasty during toilet activities otherwise her condition could prove a strain. She should always take a good book into the lavatory, especially if there is no paper.

I have refused any exercise due to buying a Walkman from a charity shop. It has an ‘anti-jogging mechanism’ and surely if I was meant to go for a run it would be called a ‘Jogman?’ Kitch Twentytwo

Dr F: Keeping fit is for people who decided to try this health giving activity only when overeating didn’t quite kill them first. The average overweight fifty year old will usually jog for 10 minutes or until near collapse and then realize it is too far to walk back. Why do you think mountaineers rope themselves together? To stop the sensible ones from going home, that’s why.

I’m not lethargic. I’m a healthy Methodist with an organic bottle of ‘Peach and Apple with Bits.” Yes, I like it firm and fruity. I’m vibrant and energetic and do impressions of a walking toast-rack. I’m running the London marathon for a charity called ‘Save Your Breath’. Apparently, the brain releases endorphins for a natural high. Slim Fecker

Dr F: Very noble and so are your knees. Dolphins should be released. I don’t believe ocean mammals and particularly those with a Bruce Willis smile should be kept in captivity. Now see here, you runners can get as high as you like but when I see you on TV none of you seem like you are enjoying yourself. I can, as a GP replicate the same euphoria followed by inevitable asphyxia and vomiting without even stepping out of the pub. Just come out with me tonight.

The only thing that needs to be ‘released’ should be predatory animals from London Zoo on the day of the marathon. This way you can experience that ‘natural high’ you describe. I suspect if you had a fecking tiger chasing you, your feet wouldn’t touch the ground and we wouldn’t see your skinny little arse for dust, thus clearing the Thames altogether.

I watch Wimbledon once a year only to get fit. Last year I wanked myself simple over Anna Kournikova. Trouble is, rain stopped play on occasions and I didn’t lose as much weight as I hoped. Troy MaKleenex

Dr F: Yes. How is your RSI? With a forehand like that you are on top of your game and no doubt all over the keyboard too. I thought you usually grunted before taking a shot.

I like being lazy. It means I can discourage people calling me up to make any sudden movements. Mo Shunnless

Dr F: Exactly. I leave these nifty auto replies on my surgery answer phone to stop people making an appointment with me describing horrific symptoms I simply can’t be arsed to address.

“I am going to put on a bet. If my horse doesn’t come in be prepared for my mood.”

“All patients’ messages will be read and deleted in the right order.”

“In my absence and for your convenience please leave a message. The chances are even if I had been in I would have ignored it anyway.”

“I’m out of the office until the running sores heal up.”

“You are currently 352nd in my queue of priority callbacks. Expect to hear from me in 19 weeks.”

“I am going into hospital for a vital operation. I will be back on the 15th and on my return would all patients please call me ‘Margaret’?”

You diagnosed me with galloping inertia. Why? I change the bathroom light bulb every time it needs it? Now you say because I am so lazy that the fridge has become too far away and I have only a year to live. How can I make best use of the short time I have…if I can be bothered?

By the way, what a con modern refrigerators are! Mine has a light that goes out when you shut the door, making visibility very poor and useless for helping with crosswords. I wonder if any of your other patients share this problem? Leon Doon

Dr F: Easy to remedy. Paint your fridge contents with day-glow paint. Warning: Red Leicester cheese may require a different colour for the maximum luminous effect.

There are oodles of things to do at deaths door! Why, the worlds your crustacean. I would buy a new Fiat Yaris and move to Bradford. Hook up for the best new deal with NTL. Marry Madonna now she’s available. Go to a Kate Melua concert. Spend a week with Tony Robinson on a ‘Timeteam’ dig. How about watching every episode of ‘Most Haunted’for the third time? Why not try some Internet shopping? If I were you, I would even find time to go for coffee with Bono! Maybe, spend a couple of months installing 4000 obscure tunes on your Ipod!

See! And you thought a year is not long enough!

(A cautionary note from Dr Farquar: This amazing list of ‘things to do before you die’ won’t buy you anymore time ….. but it will make what time you have left seem to go a lot feckin’ slower.)



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