Dr Farquar's Case History

October 26, 2008

Dr Farquar on Catch 22

Catch 22

I like to roll 10 cigarettes a day in advance. Will that give me 24 hours more or less to live when you diagnose me with lung cancer? Sam So

Dr Farquar says: Dying of smoking related diseases means you at least will have paid enough tax on your fags to get a decent state funeral. I knew a French Polisher who smoked four packs a day. He was buried in a walnut coffin. So, what a great finish!

Why do people keep mistaking me for someone else? I must have a double. Or, should I stick to lager? Freesia Jollyetc

Dr F: You can’t help being a schizophrenic. I made love to you last week and all you could say afterwards was “That was wonderful for you, how was it for me?

I’m Gerry Hatrick your elderly cleaner. Last week, you said you had to ‘let me go’ as I had left a tiny smear on the outside of your clinic window. G.H .

Dr F: Well, my arm was starting to ache and it was eight storeys up.

I’m a kleptomaniac and you said I had to keep taking the tablets. That’s hard to do when you already prescribe them. Surely, it’s more in keeping with my disorder if you prescribe me something I shouldn’t take? Nick Owt

Dr F: True. Ok then, let me think. Get me a new 1080 inch High Definition TV and a 50 gigabyte mobile phone.

Doctor, you remind me of good tasting, foul mouthed TV celebrity cook Gordon Ramsbottom. He should be more respectful to the people who works in his kitchen. You know the saying.

“Be nice to the people on the way up, or take the stairs.” Anyway, look at the state of his ‘dish’ for a start. The last time I saw a complexion like that I dipped garlic bread in it. Gunter Feckoffnow

Dr F: Gordon is not the ugly f*cking c*nt people think he is. Leave him alone, he has enough on his plate… and stop trying to put an apple in his mouth. Celebrity cooks are made ugly because they have to pull faces tasting each others food and are teased for wearing a ‘pinny’.

I’m a giraffe and called in about a strep throat which is like gargling with gravel. Why do you keep calling me ‘ Peninsula’? Lofty Bollox

Dr F: Because you are a long neck stretching out to see.

After sex my spam saber disappears. That’s the last time I ask a cannibal for a blowjob. Martin Kneeknob

Dr F: Cannibals are people after my own heart. To avoid cannibals you have to think like one. A gherkin always looks smaller when you take it out of the jar.

Your advice is totally irrelevant and that’s why I can’t see the point of Toby Jugs. Jess Pissoff

Dr F: I must say that lobotomy I performed on you has left you very small minded. I tell you what’s really irrelevant – comments that don’t in any way shape or form relate in context or meaning to the last, that’s what. Don’t tell me you have never left rolled up paper tissues in your jeans on a ‘boilwash’ cycle, either.

Online shopping with Tesco is a catch 22. Waiting for hours, to choose twelve options to buy bread. And when you get it, it looks like a home for hamsters. “You shop we drop” should be changed to “You shop and I drop the bastard on the floor before I put it on the van and then leave boot prints all over the fucker because it’s past its sell by date anyway.” Byron Yapencil

Dr F: I’m all ears. But I think you have just a half-baked idea. Use your loaf, I’m trying to earn a crust here. Frankly your comments are a millstone around my neck and its goes against the grain. Are you an In-bread or something? I ought to thresh you within an inch of your life. You keep looking at me with those doughey eyes and huge baps. Have you a bun in the oven, that’s not kneaded?

Don’t get me started. This is only the first round. You’ll soon be toast if you don’t spread ‘em.

(Ed’s note: I would like to apologise for the interruption, but I tried to find something else do, while Dr Farquar was coming out with this drivle, he would prefer to call ‘quips’ about a very basic whole food item. So, I went for a shit until he was ready to return to the original script. Just as well, I had to roll my sleeves up, for that one.)

Get off your arse, and go to the store. Queuing, is what Brits have honed as a skill over centuries and with civic pride. If we had to queue for a firing squad we would do so, patiently and quietly. Look what happens when you don’t. Some bloke who should be sectioned under the Mental Health Act at birth will punch you with such force that you die getting two ‘digs’ for the price of one. When you didn’t even push in, in the first place!

Granted some checkout girls can be unattractive and downright rude.

Last Sunday when Tesco was so busy because all the churches were closed, I was being dusted occasionally at the till area when the girl said. I’m so sorry about your wait.” To which I replied, “Your not exactly Victoria Beckham yourself, blimp hips.”

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