Dr Farquar's Case History

September 26, 2008

Dr Farquar on Hangovers


You turn into a disgusting beast after a few martinis. After that, I pass out altogether. Vi Olently

Dr Farquar says: I know what you mean. I can live for days on just food and water. Passing out is what most students end up doing. But first they have to learn to sit in a shopping trolley with a traffic cone on their head and decide their future. In my day, at Grunty Fen University for Nursing, my grant would only stretch to four nights down the pub and a carrier bag of weed a week, leaving me plenty of time to sleep inside lectures and boring girls. I studied Psychiatry and was regressed. I ended up being an immature student.

After waiting for hell to freeze over to get my operation on the NHS I am finally having my heart bypass done by you sometime in the next millenia. As you are usually pissed when you perform this kind of high risk procedure is it worthwhile me paying more into my life insurance beforehand? Mike Olestrol

Dr F: How thoughtful! It makes sense. Because when you have your pre-med its unlikely you will have pockets on your shroud for me to go through. If you must secret money, remember I always have some forceps nearby.

Due to being an unborn child to an alcoholic Mother-to-be its quite possible I too will become an alcoholic. Actually, it’s a bit cramped in here and I wondered if you would induce me, so I can get down that pub. Caesar Arian

Dr F: You make underage drinking look so easy. Wait until you’re my age, its far more difficult. By, all means. Pass me my socket set. Just remember this. Alcoholism is a slow killer, so what’s the hurry? Drink as much as you like, just try not to swallow too much of it.

Hangovers go away. But curry-stains on the carpet don’t. What shall I do? Chic & Ken Tikka

Dr F: Carpets are expensive and cost a pile. How would you like a nice deep shag delivered to your door? Have you always had your underfelt in the passage way or do you prefer something with a bit more spring on the back?

You are not a very good advert for your profession. And even if you were a good advert, I still wouldn’t believe anything you say. Jemima Jingle

Dr F: If I was an advert I would take a break and try and switch off, but I can’t because I’m always on standby. At least I have found my station in life without any of your interference, thank you. By the way your new hairdo looks crap. Perhaps it’s you who should ‘adjust your set’.

You arrived at my house drunk at 3am this morning asking ‘for a push’. What kind of GP makes house-calls at ungodly hours of the morning, unfit to drive, and asking for a push? I agreed reluctantly. I got up and dressed and looking outside my door, there you were on the kiddies swing? What is wrong with you? Roger Sheep

Dr F: I’m a Doctor. It’s my job to know what’s wrong with me, but thank you for asking. ‘Swinging’ is what I do and I have the full consent of your wife.

Last night I told my girlfriend how much I loved her, and we made love all night long and in the morning I brought her a fresh tightly budded rose in bed. We made love again, and then I proposed. I was completely chemist and totally mortal with the drink. Oh dear. I must have been hammered. What have I done? Pip Squeak

Dr F: Bravo! Don’t be embarrassed. Sometimes you need some Dutch courage to make a lifelong commitment like that. Why feel worried? Are you having ‘cold feet’?

Well. Yes, and No.Because, I did exactly the same last week to her identical twin. P.S

Dr F: You rascal! And I thought a bigamist was a large Italian fog. Good for you. Two, for the price of one, eh? What’s the problem with that?

They’re my parents! P.S

Dr F: Tricky one. Mind you, the fresh rose was a nice touch.



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