Dr Farquar's Case History

August 26, 2008

Dr Farquar on Phobias

Phobias

I have many Phobias and clearly I don’t know what to do next. Needless to say I have my fear of writing this letter which is called Scriptophobia. Maybe that’s why I didn’t phone or email you either because I have Telephonophobia and Cyberphobia. It’s just a miracle I don’t have a fear of smoke signals! Sorry about the spelling and thank you for the use of a T towel. Penny Kneeass

Dr Farquar says: I will have to test you for Genophobia in that case. Or, less commonly known as, the fear of sex. It’s a shame your parents were not sufferers. So please go behind the curtain and take your clothes off first and then mine. Now, face the wall making a star shape along with all the other contestants.

I want to overcome my phobia called Gymnophobia, or fear of nakedness. However, this is not to be confused with Nudophobia: That’s a fear of self-nudity, as showering with your clothes on takes a lot longer, and galoshes and anoraks are a simple waste of shampoo. Jonah Wank

Dr F: Being in the ‘nip’ is perfectly natural for me but, understandably, some of my patients are shy to disrobe. I like to use reverse psychology and break with orthodox practice by exposing myself to my patients whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Thus my new non-threatening and relaxed stance will quell your own fear of erect penises or Phallophobia and will soon be a thing of the past. Well, in about forty five seconds actually, if I can wait that long, and you do exactly as I tell you.

You exposed yourself to my Grandmother last week and left her with Microphobia: A fear of small things. Tania Hyde

Dr F: Next.

Please help. I have Oenophobia: A fear of wines. It came on after getting juiced on Mateus and just hanging loose. Ahmed Damheedhertz

Dr F: This will pass. At least you don’t suffer from Potophobia: A fear of all alcohol. So why not imbibe with a large quantity of tequila tonight? I will personally give you a full consultation if you ‘get them in’ first. Unfortunately, I have a phobia called Dutchophobia: A fear of Dutch people. So I won’t be going Dutch tonight.

I have Ideophobia: A fear of ideas. I’d ask your opinion but I’m afraid I might shit myself. Mike Ryste

Dr F: You are one typo short of a phobia I personally struggle with. Idiophobia. A morbid fear of idiots.

I have Radiophobia: A fear of radiation or x-rays. But that doesn’t make me a different person on the inside. Phil Lemmsnapp

Dr F: You have been married four times. I would have thought you like having your picture taken. I hope your loose bowels have cleared up or are you still having to ‘go with the flow?’

Here is your prescription. I litre of cough syrup.

Why? I have diarrhoea. Not a cough? P.L.

Dr F: Exactly. Surely, when you have a touch of the ‘Aztec Shuffle’ or ‘Inca Two-step’ the last thing you want is to develop a nasty cough.

I am Homophobic. I hate my home. I advertised for a lodger. The Ad read “Lodger required. No weirdos. Must like lead beards and wear a brass deerstalker and enjoy wearing porage” Now, for my sins, I’m living with a strange bloke who collects gravy boats, and spends hours on personal grooming, all the time advising me to have organic tones in the kitchen. He’s losing his hair too. What can he use to help keep it in? Lisa Bedsit

Dr F: Try a shoebox. Your little place should be tip-top, odorless and lint-free condition at all times. Do what I do. I have a woman come in three times a week just for a ‘lick and a promise’. After that, sometimes she will even do some housework.

I’m a student nurse. I’m disgusted at your conduct. I saw you on your rounds taking pictures with your mobile phone of unconscious patients’ private parts while fast asleep. I remember your face as clear as day. Gita Lyfe

Dr F: It couldn’t have been me because I was wide awake and I was wearing a surgical mask anyway.

I have a phobia called Golfophobia. A fear of Golf. This all started when I was stung by a wasp between the first and second hole. Hal Inwun

Dr F: Poor you. Let me see. Does it hurt when you do this?

Oooooch! Yes it does!! H.I

Dr F: Well stop doing it then.

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