Dr Farquar's Case History

May 26, 2008

Dr Farquar on The Bible

The Bible

I’m your local priest at the “Hell Hath no Fury Than a Yeomans Broth of the Quaker Oats and Last Orders Calling.” Can I talk to you about the evils of alcohol over a drink ? The Right you are Reverend of His More Holier Than a Doyley

Dr Farquar says: Well, that didn’t stop you last Sunday. You made the excuse that, in order to save time before the pubs open, you would have to drink all the communion wine yourself. May I make some amendments to the sermon you gave while you were laying down in the pulpit with one end of the hosepipe in your mouth?

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

“The Woman of Samaria” was not ‘some fat cow’.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

It is misleading to say all fornicators should be stoned before they have a shag.

We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

It is more appropriate that ‘Peter heard the cock crow three times before he denied Jesus’. Not ‘Peter denied crowing about Jesus’ cock.’

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me and I’ll let you take the rest of my body”..

The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary, with the Cherry”.

The recommended grace before a meal is not: ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub’.

Noah said “It rained for forty days and forty nights” not ‘It rained like a bull pissing on a flat rock.’

David and Bathsheba were not ‘at it like knives’.

The Bible did not say Jezebel was ‘anybody’s after a Malibu and coke’.

Eve did not ‘have a bite of Adam’s big red rosy apple and said to him it tasted like glue.”

‘The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse’ is not ‘a bloody good topless bar in Sunderland.’

‘Turning the other cheek’ does not mean ‘experimenting with gay sex.’

The Jews were not lost in the Wilderness for forty years because “the satnav on the donkey was wonky.” Neither, is it the case that ‘ Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt’ because ‘she was a crap driver too’.

The scripture “it is easier for a rich man to get through the eye of a needle than enter the kingdom of God’ does not prove ‘Bill Gates is a twat.’

It does not say in the Bible that Moses’ ‘burning bush’ was a ‘bad case of thrush.’



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