Dr Farquar's Case History

April 26, 2008

Dr Farquar on Complaints


Why do you stereotype and it has nothing to do with Hi-Fi brands? You call mixed races ‘Johnny Foreigner’. Maybe I should complain to W.H.O. about YOU! Mitch Innmacrabs

Dr Farquar says: Be still. A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN only recently. The only question asked was:

“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure…
In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

Hime freeom a heeuuge hise in Seeurrey. Yah. Hime deeong moi’s degray, hat Heeton.Yah. Hits hin Socio-aqua-bio-loop-de-loop-discoversion’ steeadies. Yah. Mumsy, says, yez trooly, weel be jayning the cweem hoff one’s Bwitish echodeemia, yah, deeont yeow kneeeow? Seow, deont, teeok the peeos, tharz a gid chip. Tristan Shout

Dr F: I met your mother and, like you, she finds it hard to talk with a cathedral in her mouth. She said to me, she enjoyed having Balls in her new ‘peeosh freeock’. So, she let me wear it for a week. It cut me under the arms a bit, but it was worth it.

The Cream of British Academia, eh? You mean, students like you, who are already thick, surrounded by clots, and left on their own, start to smell rancid and are liable to go off at any minute. Listen, sonny. College life is about meaningful sacrifice, so if you end up with too much Fromage Frais on your chin, think of changing your name to Neil Doon.

You Chump! You prescribed me bourbon biscuits because you had run out of pretend placebos for my imagined symptoms. Surely, my phantom water retention of my left earlobe would be better treated with mintcreams or a jammy dodger? Mack Vitties

Dr F: Stick to bourbons. If they don’t seem to have any effect, paint a series of white dots on them with Tippex and use them for dominoes.

My complaint is reading the sick note you gave my boss. Now he won’t allow me to have my favourite salad dressing on my canteen meals. Is he out to lunch himself? Alan Adazeswerk

Dr F: Like all qualified Doctors, I never learned how to write properly. You see, it depends on the seriousness of the symptoms. If they are very serious we don’t want to alarm our patients unnecessarily and so make our written diagnosis illegible. If you try to sue me in a court of law for wrongful diagnosis I can turn to the judge and say “How do you expect me to read that load of old scrawl, you silly old bugger. Why not try catching real criminals instead of cardboard ones.”

In your case all I wrote on your sicknote was. “Suffering from bad diet and too much Malaise.”

I am allergic to your office as last time I came out in black eyes and broken legs. Call yourself a Doctor? Mahatma Coot

Dr F: I’m a Doctor. Satisfied?

I want to complain. My wife asked you for help with her acne, so you prescribed plenty of junk food and rubbed mud and horseshit into her complexion. Now she has lockjaw. You haven’t heard the last of my wife….errr….unless she doesn’t get better….that is. Gandhi Offlicence

Dr F: Give it a rest. I told you tetanus was fashionable in your village. Look on the bright side. Blowjobs are easy and I saved you a fortune in gaffa-tape.

If you don’t want me to sue you for negligence stop ignoring my demands for a proper consultation to do with my little male problem. Jess Feckoff

Dr Farquar says: Your lust for pygmy men is not the issue. Your husband will be very hurt to know about your penchant for dwarfs and the like. My advice is to stop secretly meeting vertically challenged people. Why? Because when you’re nose to nose, your toes are in it and when you’re toe to toes your nose is it.

I have a complaint. The last time you gave me an enema you had both hands on my shoulders and I couldn’t drive my JCB for a week. Gunta Gitcha

Dr F: I’d run out of latex gloves that day.

This is outrageous. You assigned a traffic cop to issue parking tickets in the surgery car park for anybody who had a car in a colour that didn’t go with your window box of nasturtiums. You deserve a good spanking. Can you fit me in on Thursday? Tania Hyde

Dr F: Yes. Bring the whipped cream and hundreds and thousands. Don’t blame me about parking tickets. I rushed out to confront the officer and abused him as he wrote out another ticket for bald tyres and no road tax. I protested and tried to dissuade him by criticising his uneven sideburns but then he handed me another ticket for a broken headlight glass. You really must take more care of your car. Why not park it around the corner like I do?

I have a riddle. If quizzes are quizzical are tests testicle? Gaz Under

Dr F: No, that’s balls.

You misdiagnosed me. You said I had prostate problems. I have searched my soul and prayed for relief. Now I have accepted the sweet Grace of God and I am convinced my problem has since been cured because when I use the bathroom the Lord shines His glorious light upon me and I hunger no more. Bjorn Agin

Dr F: You’ve been pissing in the fridge.

I must complain because everytime I undress in your office you laugh at my small appendage. Can’t you see it’s been swollen like that for ages? Justin Nearly

Dr F: Don’t worry about your pathetic penis. Groundbreaking cosmetic surgery can help you. I can get you a pair of tits and call you errr……over the weekend.

You said I would be back on my feet in a week. You were right. I had to sell my car to pay your bill. Al Walkthen

Dr F: It could be worse. Think of the exercise. Leotards are cheap these days and made of Lycra. These are very attractive unless you shit yourself doing sit-ups.

I want to complain. My left leg asked me for fifty quid yesterday. Today it wants another twenty. Why? Perry Noid

Dr F: I’m afraid your leg is broke.

I’m seventeen years old. Let me tell you about my past medical history. At seven I pissed on police dogs and felt the tits of my French teacher. At eight I was doing speed and skunk between dropping acid and off my head like a twat while I dismembered my probation officer with a Samari sword.. At nine I ate junk food and shat like a lion while I robbed post offices and mugged old ladies for their scratch cards. At ten I wound up in jail with murderers and rapists who joined me in the Klu Klux Klan where I became Dragonmaster… At eleven I shagged everything with a pulse and stole cars to shag them in while I set light to vagrants as I drunk the blood of freshly slaughtered Jehovahs witnesses that were previously lured to my opium den.. Beat that! Dean Maheddin

Dr F: Well done. You seem in perfect health my boy.

But I don’t get up until midday? (DM)



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