Dr Farquar's Case History

March 26, 2008

Dr Farquar on Near Death Experience


I think I had a near death experience last night. I was down the pub and had twelve pints of mild, as one of the regulars said that not only was the lager off, but I should stay away from the Light. Ned Aleedoon

Dr Farquar says: Let me look at your notes. Ah, yes. You, at the end of last evening passed out when presented with your bar-tab and felt later as if you were floating a few inches from the floor traveling at speed down a brightly lit tunnel. Then, at the point you awoke, you saw several silver haired people with smiling faces dressed in white robes. The porter had wheeled you into the geriatric ward instead of A.E by mistake.

I have had an out of body experience recently. It’s the last time I drink a gallon of Snakebite with a Vindaloo and try to ride my bike uphill. Prue Njuice

Dr F: You may laugh, but let’s explore an interesting statistic. 1 in 20 people will have a NDE. That means 19 people have to wait until they nearly die to find out. In the mean time, they live quite normal lives never knowing until they get near to death, if the other 18 are going to experience near death experiences, before or after them… if at all. They may have to be in an RTA or drink weed-killer to find out. At least 12 others will live a life full of suspense looking forward to a NDE while one or two will be too dense to know of this phenomenon because they are inbred wankers. Two will be child NDEr’s to get out of tidying their room. At least one will be a NVQ assessing vegetarian Volvo driver. While up to four or five just won’t give a shit either way.

If your welcome ‘on the other side’ is from beaming relatives isn’t it a bit disconcerting so many of your loved ones are happy to see you dead even if it’s just for few seconds? Sarah Afterlife

Dr F: Research shows that even animals experience NDE’s. A Moose in Alberta was revived with a portable crash cart after it was hit by a truck, as it ambled onto a busy freeway and it started to smile blissfully as the vet shouted, ‘Clear!’ and placed the defribulators on the beast’s chest. For a short moment it felt it was being lifted into the air as it looked down upon the rest of the herd. In this case it was just the forklift getting it off the outside lane. Nevertheless, it teaches one thing as humans. In life you sometimes have to paddle your own Gnu.

It’s your mentally distressed P.A. here, Bet Sorroff I have used all my sick days this year, so I am calling in dead. B.S.

Dr F: A lame excuse again. Last week you complained you were late because of ‘a long filter on the M6′. It emerged you were working your way through a pack of Super Kings after a dashboard dinner on the hard-shoulder.

I nearly died having an operation once. I was having a tooth out with gas and I flat-lined. Next thing I know the dentist was unzipping my fly and I couldn’t do anything about it. When I came too all he did was offer me a pink foul tasting drink. Should I confront him about this? Ivor Biggun

Dr F: Yes. Make it very clear what your preferred drink is in future, and suggest a better place to meet.

My wife had a near death experience. My tea was five minutes late and she forgot to get me a lottery ticket. Vic Torian

Dr F: I would like you both to try to look at the bigger picture. So why not take her to the movies. If you she doesn’t pay for your popcorn, when the lights go up, put hers out.

I was rock-climbing the other day to see the very beautiful landscape of Cardiff in the night during a black-out. Sadly, inches from the summit, I got an attack of asthma and fell to my death. As I reached for my inhaler I instead pulled from my pocket by mistake a small handy torch as I plummeted earthwards. It was useless as an inhaler but did pick out the place I was about to die just beneath me. Needless to say, I wasted my last precious seconds on this fruitless exercise, but on the other hand, what does it matter? I was going be dashed on the rocks below, anyway, so any slight easing of my chesty symptoms would only be short-lived as I am now. However, the fact I am writing this to you Doctor, proves I am having a N.D.E. Thanks for the pen and paper. Lou Wheeze

Dr F: Cardiff has some truly ‘breathtaking’ views of poor Welsh people but you take the piss.

I would like people at my death to say what a great Head gardener I was and how I helped people enjoy fresh asparagus without expecting tips. What would you like people to say about you at your death, Doctor? Dai Diggin




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