Dr Farquar's Case History

February 26, 2008

Dr Farquar on Poverty

Poverty

I have been on Social Security so long I have been offered tickets to the staff dance. Beat that! Linda Fiver

Dr Farquar says: Look at me. I started out with nothing and still have most of it. Without Mrs Farquar and her shrewdness with money I wouldn’t get the best cuts from stray animals on a Sunday.

I am so poor that a burglar broke into our house and deliberately left his sandwiches. Todd Ure

Dr F: You liar. You come from a posh part of town. I even saw you at a drive-in soup kitchen.

I am so broke I have to use self-raising flour instead of talcum powder. When I sweat I break out in crop circles and pancakes. Whitney Goodfaya

Dr F: Wheat can cause a reaction in me also. A baker tried to sell me a stale loaf once and so I kicked him in the clockweights.

I’m strapped for cash. I wait years to find out which kids are losing milk teeth and steal into their bedrooms to get the money before the tooth fairy does. Beat that. Callum Akunt

Dr F: Ingenious. I sent my kids to the Sudan as a lot of kind people around the world will pay a pound a month to make sure they get food, clean water and shelter. It works well. I feel I’m doing my bit for charity and its cut down my Waitrose bill by half.

I went to your surgery for a Children In Need fundraiser and you were so mean when it came to your donation you didn’t even sign the cheque. Dusty Invoice

Dr F: I wanted to remain anonymous.

Money burns a hole in my pocket. How can I stop setting light to it and ruining a perfectly good pair of trousers? Bern Maflares

Dr F: Your trousers are too combustible. Get asbestos ones. Next time you feel the urge to turn your corduroys into an incendiary, think about what you have put by for a rainy day and hope it puts the buggers out.

I was a poor Nature Reserve ranger on the National Minimum wage but I came into money at last by winning the lottery. I’m richer beyond my wildest flowers. What a lucky stroke. Walter MaBulbs

Dr F: Yes you were very lucky. It’s a shame the stroke happened exactly when you heard the news and I was able to look after your winning ticket for you before you dribbled on it. Now I can afford another yacht as the first one got wet.

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