Dr Farquar's Case History

July 22, 2006

Dr Farquar on Wonder


Why do I bother telling the platoon of prats in my life that they leave me speechless? (Fooge)

Dr Farquar comments: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to a phone call. You have the right to a tawny owl. But should something you neglect inside your anus stop you from saying something now that you later rely on when eating blancmange it may harm your aviation dents inside a naughty whore. How do you plead? You will now be taken to a place not far from here where you will be hung like a stud bullock until you are ‘brown’ and then up your pipe. May the Lord Kumbaya Kumbaya have mercy on your silage. Now fuck off unless you want to play Rock Paper Scissors.

Why do they call it ‘getting your dog fixed’ if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore? (Fooge)

Dr F: When pigs are castrated they become disgruntled too. I once performed a vasectomy on a patient which left him with one testicle a foot longer than the other. Apparently I dropped a bollock.

Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly? (Fooge)

Dr F: You’ve never complained before Miss Jolie. I would like to stick Bush in fast drying cement but I suppose that would set a president.

Why do they make scented toilet paper? (Fooge)

Dr F: So footballers can smell victory.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? (Mr Chundergrips)

Dr F: I wonder indeed. Thank you for that. Without such astute soul searching questions and enquiring minds as yours, I would still be working in the circumcision unit with its many drawbacks for just £200 a week plus tips. Of course you are right. If swimming is so good for your figure, why do whales look like that?

Like dance choreography, it is a human instinct to portray synchronized movement as a message of power and unity. Like soldiers marching. From flying formations and the 21 gun salute to football. Raising our glasses or singing in chorus. We homosapiens are highly social and group together to show solidarity and team strength. Unfortunately just when you have your best team out there with the world at your feet, every so often a twat like you calling themselves a hospital manager comes along and buggers about with my expenses claim form. A great prairie hat with three pounds of beef sausages for hands to hold his own arse with and to interfere with my perfect little system.

I’m sorry Dr Farquar. Perhaps your expenses can be trimmed? Here are a few that our auditor has a problem with. (Mr Chundergrips)

£200 to educate drug-users on the proper use of amusement arcades.

£1000 Because you thought all food comes from Harrods.

£50 the hire of one chicken suit to warn school children against buying Bernard Mathews Turkey Twizzlers.

£500 a years supply of cravats.

£2000 for Viagra because you thought crushing them up would make better self-raising flour for your baking.

£3000 for being an undercover customer in the local brothel teaching street girls the benefit of spray dessert cream and hundreds and thousands. (Plus the further weeks hire of a chicken suit)

£5000 for a new Gold Diners club card because your American Express was starting to fray.

£200000 for a naked chauffeur called J.Lo.

£250000 for suing your chauffeur for wearing driving gloves when the climate control on your 4×4 SuperIzzyWizzyMisterBushySwampmasterbuggyMegaMudThudderTrumper 12.8 methane injection with chrome ski and rifle rack stopped working.

£50000 for losing a bet to Richard Branson on who could ‘smile the longest…like a big girl with pointy tits and who walks as if you can’t get a bus ticket between her buttocks.’



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