Dr Farquar's Case History

June 22, 2006

Dr Farquar on Parents and Family

Parents and Family

Why is it with some of the family we can forgive them their shortcomings, but it’s just their longstayings that become a problem? (Fooge)

Dr Farquar comments: I see what you mean. Try to feed them cheese late at night when they visit. If they depart with the promise to “See you soon” you can honestly reply “In your dreams”.

When God was throwing down intelligence my family was using an umbrella. (Fooge)

Dr F: It’s a sad fact that family can say and do very stupid things. That’s why yours are about as much use as a windscreen wiper on a goats arse.

My family can’t live without me. I’m the only one left who can afford their funerals. (Fooge)

Dr F: Make your money back tenfold by selling their brains to science. Perhaps not. The last time I examined your eyes I only saw the back of your head.

I am a psychologist and, as your peer, I feel obliged to tell you that in my professional opinion you have obviously suffered some sort of childhood trauma. Like never growing up. (Dr Skintag)

Dr F: As your fellow physician … I must say… I don’t know what is eating you… but it must be suffering terribly.

My family will go to the ends of the Earth for me. The trouble is they won’t stay there. (Fooge)

Dr F: How ungrateful. Your Mother is a fine woman. All she ever craved was to take care of you, except the Mafia wanted too much money. When you were born she was good enough to admit her mistake and faces up to the fact that her baby was living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

I am ashamed of my fat kith and kin. My Mother is so obese she got arrested for jaywalking four times when she was just sitting on a park bench. (Fooge)

Dr F: You are not exactly Victoria Beckham yourself, chum. I remember at your christening the chaplain had to baptise you at Seaworld. You laid down in the seal enclosure and Greenpeace claimed you as an endangered colony all by yourself.

That’s nothing.. I’m so old my mother used to take me to school on a chariot. (Fooge)

Dr F: This is why you look so dreadful in the light. You were born in the Dark Ages.

My Mother is so ugly and stupid I caught her chasing parked cars. Now she just sits on the TV all day staring at the sofa gobbling away in front of complete strangers who seem to take it very well. Should I buy her a muzzle? (Fooge)

Dr F: How odd. Tell her not to wear that yellow raincoat again. Last week fifty children tried to ride to school on her. On the plus side she has helped give hope to many fat people who now believe in re-incarnation because nobody could eat that much in one lifetime.

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