Dr Farquar's Case History

April 20, 2006

Dr Farquar on Conundrums

Conundrums

I hate those awful cameramen who do aggressive and wild panning shots in NYPD/Wire in the Blood or other abstract TV series thinking it will be ‘more visual’. If I want to have characters whizzing by while I am trying to focus I will go on a roller coaster or fall out of a fifty high storey window. Does this mean I have vertigo? (By Fooge)

Dr F. No. You only live around the corner.

Our brains must be in our arse, because the only way you can remember the reason why you first walked into a room, is if you sit down first to think about it. Right? (By Fooge)

Dr F. How observant. Follow this procedure and forget that Sirducko brain-booster nonsense. Keep a Dictaphone. Secrete it into a body cavity and use toilet paper to wipe any messages off. Then Sellotape fresh ‘Forget-me-nots’ to the Dictaphone as small reminders. It won’t help you remember anything but it will make your Dictaphone smell better.

I hate the look of glee on customers faces when I fall out of a hammock at a garden centre. I could swing for them. (By Fooge)

Dr F. I love buying Koi fish at Garden centres. They are cheaper than a Sushi bar. Here’s another tip. Fill your pockets with peat compost. When at the checkout with your purchases and have to dig deep for some change put a clump of the planting material in the girls hand and say, “Thanks very mulch.”

Why is being bad more fun than being good? What is the reward for trying to be a good person? All you get is ripped off or taken for granted, and dumped for somebody who can get a whole Magnum in their mouth. (By Fooge)

Dr F. Deal with it. The world is full of bad people. I often hear the obscenities hurled at me from soggy bus queues when I deliberately drench them at speed through a gutter long puddle from the comfort of my car.

Isn’t it best to discourage door to door salespeople by covering yourself with ketchup and wielding a started chainsaw? (By Fooge)

Dr F. Somebody called at my home to demonstrate a hoover once and the sales assistant referred to one of the accessories as a ‘crevice tool’. So I shoved it up his arse.

I think I have a lump on my testicle. What should I do? Is it because I have done some terrible things with my willy in the past? (By Fooge)

Dr F. No. Its just the other one. If you must examine your balls between finger and thumb daily for health reasons don’t share my chips until you have washed your hands.

Why do the Yellow pages always go missing?. Should it be bigger and a different colour? (By Fooge)

Dr F. Well don’t blame me. Is it in your knickers? Won’t be the first time they have been full of tradesmen.

Why do people still argue their point after they say they ‘beg to differ’ Isn’t that time to shut up or talk about something else? (By Fooge)

Dr F. I admit to having faults, but being wrong isn’t one of them?

Why do people who live in palatial homes insist on baking their own bread? (By Fooge)

Dr F. It’s to pay homage to the poor. In the old days they used to go to asylums and jeer from a viewing gallery at cretins like you.

I’m a ventriloquist and love my puppets ‘Brazilian’ pubic design. But it’s tricky trying to get the little fellow to do a ‘New Yorker’ on me. (By Fooge)

Dr F. I’m sure I saw your lips moving.

Why do people go abroad on holiday five times a year only to share the same bath water.(By Fooge)

Dr F. These are only a few aging air hostesses who start to look like Lily Savage.

Why do you have to wait endlessly for Expresso coffee? (By Fooge)

Dr F. I tried putting instant coffee in a microwave. I actually went back in time.

Why are idle stool sample analysts, who may look busy, actually just going through the motions? (By Fooge)

Dr F. Can we drop the matter?

Why is it you have to pay for free range eggs? (By Fooge)

Dr F. Exactly. I went to a Free Church once. It’s not free at all. Afterwards the old Doris charged me 35p for a cup of tea and said “You received freely so give freely.” So I did just that. I gave it right back and told ‘old wrinkly lips’ to kiss me arse while I farted in the font. Trouble is I ‘followed through’ and we both decided to christen it ‘Peter Papoose’.

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