Dr Farquar's Case History

February 20, 2006

Dr Farquar on Dementia

What are the first signs of Alzheimer’s?

Putting the milk back in the oven.

Hiding chocolate in your underwear when it’s not Cadbury’s.

Using flour bombs in libraries.

Watching the TV, and believing you can hear a curious ‘ding’ after the programme.

Wearing socks because you forgot your gloves.

Laying down on the floor facedown in supermarkets when an assistant points a pricing gun at you.

Keeping a goldfish in your purse.

Wearing tampons as earrings.

Making a 1970’s trim phone sound effect with your mouth.

Producing a 1970’s trim phone at airports to answer the call.

Gift wrapping Heinz ravioli bite-size pasta mince parcels, out of the tin, separately.

Making rafts out of road signs.

Cutting small crescents out of plastic vending cups, spreading them neatly at your feet, so you can fool your carer you have already cut your toenails.

Chewing a whole tube of Gaviscon tablets, and throwing yourself on the floor of a bus to get a seat.

Rubbing yourself up against furniture.

Weeing up against furniture.

Eating furniture.

Being in a doctor’s surgery when you do all the above.

Attempting to use dental floss on dangerous zoo animals.

Arranging potted plants stolen from garden centres at vital exits of the emergency services.

Picking up litter with the cheeks of your arse.

Wearing a shredded cardboard wig.

Using wooden clothes pegs all over your skin to prevent signs of ageing. Throwing your voice, using disgusting expletives at Tescos’ delicatessen and blaming it on the coarse mince.

Throwing your voice so it sounds like “F*ck off and leave me alone” from your arse, at your Doctor’s surgery, so he believes you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Doing the same by projecting your voice from your ribs and blaming it on a grumbling appendix.

The same from the chest area and saying you have a heart murmur.

Doing the same from your right wrist at least fifty times to say you have a Repetitive Strain Injury.

Alzheimer’s. Two popular myths

Myth Number One

Some have said in the past that the use of old aluminium pans are responsible for dementia. That each cooking use of them over many years, could release harmful metal oxides to cause brain damage. In my experience the only illness one could derive from these inoffensive kitchen utensils was dysentery, as your Mum used to boil your underwear in them, before making chutney.

Myth Number Two

That people are not demented but already stupid. Hiding behind a thin veil of innocence just means getting married is very, very stupid, as you only get to wear the outfit once.

I could no doubt get off a drink driving charge if I claim to have had Alzheimer’s, but its all a bit late now.

My Cure

Beat dementia by taking beta blockers and lipid lowering drugs from the age of three. Drink antioxidant teas. Like Green tea or Redbush. Stuff as many vitamin supplements down you as you can. Get your cholesterol down by a fat free diet. Drink alcohol every day. A bottle of red wine each night at least. Red wine has a dilating effect on the arterial walls and takes all your fat from the blood stream that causes furring of the capillaries and deposits it, out of harms way, onto your liver instead. The liver is a very forgiving organ and if you try and destroy seven eighths of it, it will still recover. So get down that pub now and enlarge the liver to take as much balls of fat away from your brain as possible.

Booze is dehydrating. That means our bodies start to dry up if we do not replace the water. So ask the Landlord for a glass of water in between the chasers. Or just put ice with all your drinks. Iced tea is delicious too. You don’t have to be gay to drink it.

Masturbate twice a day. Just to clean out your tubes and prevent prostate cancer. You need the ‘five fingered widow’ if you want to ever see a bus pass. Keep active. For instance: Masturbate on the stairs instead of the escalator.

If you must smoke, do so in fresh air while eating a fresh carrot. If you want to give up smoking, ‘light up’ in the shower, it will soon dampen the desire to smoke.

People who have ‘lost it’ are usually unaware that they are making twats of themselves. Yes, dementia is more fun if you are a world leader. George got into the Oval office so he didn’t have to find a corner to babble in. He wants the whole world to know he is completely bonkers.

President Reagan’s wife said at her beloved husband’s death. “I could not go where he wanted to go, anymore.” I’m not surprised. Not nice for the First Lady to be caught pissing in the pots on the White House lawn. Or washing her hair in marmalade each night.

Dementia will not stop me having a full and rewarding life in my twilight years. I will be able to grab pretty carers private parts to my hearts content, and expose myself to Social Workers. Steal all the whole biscuits, and pee and poop, with gay abandon, into a snug fitting absorbent pad without the added inconvenience of a convenience. I can watch purple hedgehogs climb up windows and take shit loads of Valium.

I can spit out my food, if I don’t like it, and strip off during Eastenders in the dayroom while I shout obscenities, like they do in the House of Lords. I can cut all the knobbly bits off jigsaws and fart during Bingo.

My ambition is to be able to see Cliff Richard become a vulnerable and demented old man, before I do. But that could be months away yet. All my friends say, I don’t have dementia because they tell me I am ‘once seen never forgotten’.

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