Dr Farquar's Case History

January 20, 2006

Dr Farquar on Pet Hates

Pet Hates

I hate buying freshly baked bread that contains voids large enough to make a home for your hamster. Am I the only witness to this kind of thing?. (By Fooge)

Dr F: You must be a Hovis witness. Have you nothing else to whinge about? I hate checkout girls who, when you buy three grapefruit ask ‘Do you want a bag for those?’ No. I’ll just kick the bastards to the car shall I?

I hate Americans who have to put an ‘R’ in the word pasta? Since when has the word herb become French and said without the ‘H’? So do they pronounce aluminium ‘alloominoom’. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Yes, Americans are very proud of calling what they speak and try to call it ‘English’ but since I have medical books on my shelves older than their feckin’ country, what pray, I wonder, can they teach me? This is the reason they just say, ‘Condo’ instead of ‘Condomoomymoomymoon.’

I hate trying to conceal a hard-on with upside down breasts between your eyes when you are having your hair shampooed by a young female hairdressing apprentice. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Don’t get in too much of a lather. When I was your age I had to go to the local barber who was also the local policeman and priest. He literally gave you a clip around the ear and then tried to nick you at the same time. He would put a Pyrex Number Nine on my head and ask if you wanted anything for the weekend. I was only nine years old and plucking up all my courage I answered “Oh yes please” and so he gave me a lawnmower and ten Hail Mary’s.

I hate the temptation to write ‘occasionally’ in the box marked ‘sex’ on job applications.(By Fooge)

Dr F: Isn’t it a liberty that when you have to get a credit card, apply for a mortgage or claim benefit you have to fill out pages of crap and have them know more about your personal details…….but when it comes to how important your vote is for the next government all they want is a bloody cross in a box?

I hate my boss. His desk is covered in photos of his family like some insecurity besotted Tibetan shrine. He may be a great parent but he is a crap boss. Should I microwave his mobile phone? (By Fooge)

Dr F: No. Come on. Where would we be without our family photos to distract us from doing our job properly? I have a picture of my wife everywhere in my office. Especially on Google. The framed one on my desk is just a boring head and shoulders shot as she doesn’t shave her back.

I hate ‘Old timers’ trapped in time warps, that can bore you to death with details about D-day but go completely blank when it’s their round of drinks. (By Fooge)

Dr F: With all due respect to our elders you will be old one day. How would you like to be discriminated against just because your arse sounds like the London Philharmonic tuning up when you’re asleep and your teeth keep moving long after you have stopped talking?

I hate coming home after a sixteen-hour night shift, only to find the movie of the day is ‘Sleepless In Seattle’ or ‘Insomnia’. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Getting the right amount of sleep is crucial for good concentration and feeling refreshed. Try those ‘nighty night’ masks you get on aircraft. Or if you have bulbous eyes because of an over-active thyroid borrow your wife’s bra. Just make sure your spouse takes it off first. On the other hand, don’t bother, if ‘taking off’ is noisy or there is loud turbulence you have a handy pair of ear defenders too.

I hate people who piss in swimming pools, and are conspicuous by the snorkel they use. (By Fooge)

Dr F: When I go to the baths to secure my end of the pool from the ‘great unwashed’ I first break into the First Aid cupboard and cover myself in band aids from head to foot. It’s amazing how quickly a shower becomes free after my dip too.

I hate people who make exaggerated up and down arm movements while farting at a church baptism. (By Fooge)

Dr F: There’s no need for it. I have a ‘born again’ patient. Apparently there is one born every minute. I told him “Jesus is watching you”. He smugly said “But you are a non-believer so what kind of person says things like that when they are obviously not a Christian?”

I said, “The same kind that calls their Rottweiller ‘Jesus’.

I hate waking up as a film extra and realizing you picked up the wrong drink with the wrong hand in order to look entirely natural. (By Fooge)

Dr F: I know. I’m resting in between auditions. I have just answered an ad from a lady called ‘Sexy Sadie Never says No’. She is looking for ‘extras’. So I’m going to dress up as a roundhead as I have a shiny helmet and everything.

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