Dr Farquar's Case History

November 20, 2005

Dr Farquar on Halloween

Halloween

I saw that ‘Spooks’ on TV. What a swiz. I didn’t see many ghosts. Are they working undercover and if so how do we know? (By Fooge)

Dr F: If we knew that they would have to go back home and get a bedsheet.

Why do they put locks on cemetery gates? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F: I don’t know anything about locks. I didn’t go to Yale university. Besides why risk putting locks on your house? When you go on holiday you stand less chance of a break-in if you have all the doors open, lights on and music blaring. They don’t have locks on the Pearly Gates because if St Paul dropped them it could be a bugger to find again and if heaven is so cool who would want to leave anyway? The gates of Hell is not such a cool place and folks may want to escape. But now Tesco is open all night I tell my wife when near the entrance to ‘stay away from the light.’

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses? (Contributed by oalami)

Dr F: A thought. Why do we tell our kids not to talk to strangers 364 days of the year but at Halloween encourage them to knock on doors and ask for treats? It seems to me that these days underage girls who trick or treat have to dress like tarts and how is that supposed to scare you? Who needs to groom them on the Internet when they turn up at your doorstep all tits and lips? I don’t encourage them anymore. When I was their age all girls at school had green teeth baggy tights and impetigo. Davina Devine took me behind the bicycle shed let me poke it with a stick for a Curly Wurly and a cigarette but it wasn’t love’s young dream. She gashed my shin on my leg irons.

Why is it that we never see ghosts of lower life forms? (Contributed by oalami)

Dr F: Untrue. My vet thinks my dog is a ghost. He said “I haven’t seen your dog lately”. I said “So what, Neither have I”.

Is it true you can make a witch scratch by taking away her ‘w’? (Contributed by mervyn)

Dr F: No it’s crabs. I’ve slept with some right witches. I don’t offer them a lift home. I just hand them a broom and hope they don’t fly off the handle.

Do ghosts drink evaporated milk? (Contributed by mervyn)

Dr F: It’s not ‘Ideal’.

Do cemeteries have fences around them because people are dying to get in? (Contributed by mervyn)

Dr F: Undertakers are miserable bastards to do that job. While we are at it why can’t they have a lottery station or a couple of fruit machines at the Crem to pass the time? The last funeral I went to I said to a pall bearer “Mornin’ ” and the cheeky bugger said, “Yes, I am actually.”

Just who is it that models for all those Halloween Masks? (Contributed by J.J.)

Dr F: Leave Lionel Blair alone. He’s seventy one plus VAT.

Why aren’t there any Halloween carols? (Contributed by Gregory Lam)

Dr F: There are. But Ozzy Osbourne can’t remember the words anymore.

Don’t call me a witch again, and why did you hand me a broom last night? (By Fooge)

Dr F: Because the vacuum cleaner was too heavy.

I am a Mummie and frankly I think the bandages should come off now. Can I make an appointment? (By Fooge)

Dr F: No. The trouble with you is that you are too wrapped up in yourself. Don’t be so wound up.

If Bernard Mathews dies and became a ghost would he still say “Booootiful”?

Dr F: Yes. He’s re-constituted everything else that is dead that he can lay his hands on. Perhaps he would become a Poultrygeist.

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