Dr Farquar's Case History

September 20, 2005

Dr Farquar on Hygiene


Why do the instructions on bottles of deodorant say “Rub onto underarms”? Where else are you going to put it? In your hair? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: No sweat. Gunslingers walk towards each other with arms splayed because of a reaction to anti perspirant. Have fun with your Mum Rollette. Find a stray syringe at an infants playground and inject in the neck of the ball dispenser some Brobat. When your spouse wears the caustic preparation she should have enough wingspan and sufficient ‘lift’ to piss off out of the bedroom window whistling “ Land of Hope and Glory.” Warning: If she already uses hygiene products with ‘wings’ be extra careful if she has a full set of undercarriage and her flaps are already down.

Why do hair shampoo instructions say “Lather. Rinse. Repeat”? If you did this would you ever be able to stop? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F: Hygiene products with warning labels that repeat themselves are stupid. So are warning labels that state the obvious… and that goes without saying.

Here are some I found laying around the surgery from bonafide manufacturers:

“Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet.” – In the information booklet.

“Do not use orally after using rectally.” – In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.” – On a hand-held massaging device.

The mouth wash commercial asks “Is your mouth a steamy 98.6 degrees?” Which part of your body isn’t 98.6 degrees? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F: The testicles are 3 degrees cooler than the rest of a man’s body which is a relief because the male cock looks like one of God’s afterthoughts otherwise. This means it is impossible to conceive in a hot bath. Usually because one of the taps keeps getting stuck up my arse.

On some bottles of suntanning lotion why do they show the sun wearing sun glasses? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F: How gratuitous. Thats like Bob Geldof wearing a comb.

In the Kleenex commercial they say ‘Because Kleenex Cares’. Just what is it that they care about? Surely they don’t care that you’re sick do they? (Contributed by jah)

Dr F: It’s a tissue of lies. I remember using Mansize Kleenex as a boy after wanking indiscretions but I still have a tiny knob even now.

What’s with the Mach 3 razor commercials? What kind of selling feature is it for the razor to be more aerodynamic? Does anybody actually shave that fast? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F: Why do my obese patients wear training shoes? What are they training for? To look pregnant without having a baby? To wear another pair of tits on each upper arm? Having a toothbrush with springs, grips, sleek curves and ‘go faster stripes’ doesn’t stop your gob looking like a vandalised cemetery just as a Mach 3 razor won’t stop you looking like one ugly fuck.

If the shampoo bottle reads ‘Avoid Contact With Your Eyes’, do you have to keep your eyes shut while reaching for the bottle? (Contributed by Dale and Judie J.)

Dr F: A cruel concept. I drove down a country lane and saw a sign saying ‘cats eyes being removed’ and there is no need for that either. Silly signs are everywhere like “watch out for old people”. In my job you have to. They moan about everything and take up too much of my precious time. Remember how they all made a fuss about ‘decimalisation’ in 1971? These days – we have the National Lottery. Got the hang of that bastard quick enough didn’t they?

Was wax paper originally designed to be waterproof Kleenex? (Contributed by The Duke of Endor)

Dr F: Some of us remember Izal loopaper at school. It was a cross between trying to wipe your arse with grade 3 sandpaper and a large segment of lino. It had as much absorbent quality as a Ford Escort wing mirror dipped in candlewax. So impervious was it that your bum looked like Beirut as you crabwalked to your next lesson with a gait of having a lit firework strapped to a brace of peeled chillis up your jacksy.

Why do some bottles of shampoo advertise ‘Essential Fatty Acids’? Since when are ‘fatty acids’ essential? (Contributed by Valerie)

Dr F: I got some shampoo in Germany. I came home and couldn’t understand the instructions. Thank goodness I had some fairy liquid that came to the rescue. Sadly the shampoo just left my crockery looking dry and out of condition and of a washed out appearance. Luckily I massaged the cutlery with leave-in conditioner and within minute my knives forks and even spoons looked revitalised and manageable. Now I can lay my table at National Front ‘dinner and dance’ functions with pride but my hair still looks like shite.

Have you ever stopped to think that our streets aren’t safe, our rivers aren’t safe, and our air isn’t safe, but under our arms, we have complete protection? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F: Not if I beat you up outside Tescos.

Why does the tampax commercial say “So discrete only you’ll know it’s a tampon”? Millions of people have seen the commercial, which means millions of people are going to know it’s a tampon, right? (Contributed by Meranda Watling)

Dr F: Astonishing that. My wife watched the ‘Always’ commercial and was able to ride a motorbike, horseride, and play tennis but only ‘when the decorators were in’, the other three weeks of the month she was too PMT to even fetch the coal. In the end it was me who had to give my penis a cute nickname.



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