Dr Farquar's Case History

March 19, 2005

Dr Farquar on Sleep

Sleep

Why is it that you can surf the Internet until 4:30am and not feel tired but if you try to study past 10:00pm you fall asleep? (Contributed by Vanaraks)

Dr F. You are poorly focussed. Pornography can damage your eyesight but is guaranteed to ‘keep you up’.

Why is man the only animal that goes to sleep when they’re not sleepy and gets up when they are sleepy? (Contributed by Dave Gneiser)

Dr F. It must be hell for Catholics. We Brits are poorly adapted sleepers. We do not have a siesta like in other parts of Europe and that why most car accidents happen between 2 and 3 pm. (True) The only way I as an overworked GP can get forty winks is if I close my eyes and pretend to be nuzzling Angelina Jolie’s busty substances. Unfortunately, the last time I dropped right off I woke up to find the staple on page 23 caught in my tongue.

Why is it that people who say they slept like a baby usually don’t have one? (Contributed by Kristen)

Dr F. Breastfeeding before bed guarantees a good nights sleep. Then I got bored and tried brandy.

Why is the amount of sleep needed by the average person always ten minutes more? (Contributed by J. Olson)

Dr F. Setting an alarm five minutes fast is a favourite with people on ‘Deathrow’. Pretend you are about to be executed and grab those precious extra few minutes.

How do insomniacs know they’re having trouble sleeping? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F. When they end up in a motorway pile-up.

Why do people ask us if we had a good sleep? Is it possible to make mistakes while we sleep? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. This is called a wet dream

Why do some people say that they’ve slept like a log? Logs never wake up do they? (Contributed by Pat Walter)

Dr F. Yes they do. For instance, a Captains log always keeps him awake when the crew are asleep. I warn my heterosexual staff about bad sleeping patterns aboard sea vessels. Sleeping in hammocks can mean they might swing both ways.

Just how did the letter ‘Z’ come to symbolize sleep any ways? Why couldn’t they use a ‘B’? Or possibly an ‘H’? (Contributed by Krystal)

Dr F. Knowing your alphabet may aid sleep but not stop you sounding like a throttled warthog and drowning in Graham Norton’s saliva at the corners of his pudgey little mealy mouth.

Why is it always the one who snores that falls asleep first? (Contributed by B. Fellow)

Dr F. Isn’t that infuriating? A good tip is to sew a tennis ball in the back of their pyjamas. This will prevent them rolling on their back. It will not stop them snoring but it may improve your service in the morning.

Can you ever get tired of sleeping? (Contributed by oalami)

Dr F. Yes. At airports when backpackers use three seats to ‘crash out’ on. Shave their eyebrows off and see how they get on when they have to show their passport.

In space do astronauts toss and turn in their sleep? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F. I hope not. Who wants sticky substances on the helmet?

If nightly sleep regenerates us, why do we look so bad when we first get up in the morning? (Contributed by Sam Walton)

Dr F. Alcohol withdrawal can be a terrible thing. Find a pub that opens at 8am and feel refreshed for the rest of the day.

Would a nun who sleepwalks be called a Roamin’ Catholic? (Contributed by Rodney & Cathy’s Joke List)

Dr F. Most Christians are already sleepwalking 24/7. One God fearing terminally ill patient said he wanted to be ‘raptured’ . I thought he said something else and so I kicked him in the bollocks.

How is it that we can stay up until 3:00 am with relative ease, but if we try to wake up at 6:00 am after a full nights rest, it’s torture? (Contributed by Bob Donlan)

Dr F. Too much sleep can make you prone to fatigue. Place a mobile phone in your bottom and programme it at intervals to vibrate. This will interrupt sleep and excite bowel use making your alarm clock obsolete.

If we need a wake up call to smell the roses, when we’re awake, what do we need when we’re asleep? (Contributed by Pat F.)

Dr F. I knew a lady patient I slept with who woke up and complained of smelling shit. It’s the last time I drink fifteen Black Russians and challenge four lashed up Squaddies to a pickled egg eating contest.

How come we can’t be awake so we can appreciate just how good sleep is? (Contributed by Matthew)

Dr F. It’s a conscious decision. But be careful. Water beds can cause any couple to drift apart.

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