Dr Farquar's Case History

February 18, 2005

Dr Farquar on Medicine

Medicine

If you would take two EX-LAX pills and take two IMMODIUM A-D pills simultaneously which one would win? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. It depends if you give a shit.

Saying ‘Gesundheit!’ doesn’t really help the common cold but isn’t it every bit as effective as anything the medical profession has prescribed? (Contributed by Chet Meek)

Dr F. Being self employed will cure the common cold.

What’s the point of the ‘Take as needed’ label on medicine bottles? If you didn’t need them you wouldn’t be taking them right? (Contributed by Tooner)

Dr F. The same applies when the label tells you to : ‘Keep out of reach of children’. Use ducktape to put bottles of tablets on the top of lamposts.

Why is there no minimum strength aspirin? (Contributed by Jim Adams)

Dr F. There is, it’s called a placebo.

People always say ‘A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down’ but what if you are a diabetic? (Contributed by Epoh)

Dr F. Try pilsner beer because all the sugar turns to alcohol.

Why do some prescriptions say on the bottle, ‘not for people with serious heart conditions’? Is there such a thing as a non-serious heart problem? (Contributed by Sarah D.)

Dr F. Yes. Some people have a healthy heart but no feelings in it.

Why do some pharmacies attach a sticker to prescriptions that reads ‘Taking this medicine alone or with alcohol may lessen your ability to drive or perform hazardous tasks’? Doesn’t the alcohol do this by itself? (Contributed by aguytono)

Dr F. Of course. In future, ignore advice on labels ‘not to work machinery’ if you are a cinema usherette.

If antibiotics contain anti-bodies, how can that be good for the body? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F. This is so you can achieve several good organisms.

Why is it that people get sick or need refills just when the doctor’s office has closed for the day or the weekend? (Contributed by Juneisy)

Dr F. Beware. If you get sick on a bank holiday you are twice as likely to feel ill as the doctor will be on double pay.

If UNICEF can give those children medication for only 5 pence a day, why are prescriptions so expensive? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F. Sending aid to Third world countries is expensive. Surely you have heard this at lavish celebrity charity dinners?

Why is it that the sicker you are, the more tamper resistant the package is for the medicine you need to take? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F. Carry bolt-croppers to bed with you, or practise on packs of sealed bacon or biscuits first.

We’ve all seen those commercials for medicines where they say ‘stop the pain before it starts’, right? How is this possible? (Contributed by Steven)

Dr F. Drop huge quantities of acid in order to prevent illness. You feel much better before you get worse.

Do the drug companies have a pill for all the side effects of their other pills? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F. Yes, with accompanying symptoms. A side effect is just insurance.

If you have a strong compulsion to steal that pink stuff that soothes your stomach, are you a Peptomaniac? (Contributed by Alan Selk)

Dr F. No, it just means you are being re-bilious.

Why is it that all of the medications for arthritis are difficult to open for someone with arthritis? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F. You mean like looking for the Optrex when you have something in your eye?

If you stick a needle in a person, does the voodoo doll hurt? (Contributed by The Duke of Endor)

Dr F. You both might feel a little prick.

Why is it that on medicine adverts they say ‘Tell your doctor if you have any medical problems’? They’re the doctor, shouldn’t they know and be telling you? (Contributed by Tova R.)

Dr F. Doctors like me are there to help you out. Which way did you come in?

How do pharmacists read doctor’s handwriting? And do they phone the doctor to confirm that what they are dispensing is correct? (Contributed by Janis G.)

Dr F. That old chestnut. Does a forensic scientist write on their reports ‘De-ox- ribonucleicacid’ each time he turns up some D.N.A?

If you have a headache and a footache at the same time and you take a pain reliever, howdoes the medicine know which pain to fix? (Contributed by Janis G.)

Dr F. Prescribed medication usually knows when something is a foot.

What happens if you take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time? (Contributed by Bruce)

Dr F. You have a very dirty dream.

Why are the diet drugs the same ones that are used for pre-menstrual tension? Are they trying to tell us something? (Contributed by Martje)

Dr F. It is so you can get back into your period costume.

Why do they make MIDOL so hard to get out of the package when they KNOW that the women trying to get it out are already ticked off? (Contributed by NoNs)

Dr F. Try ecstasy tablets and you can open it with your elbows.

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