Dr Farquar's Case History

January 18, 2005

Dr Farquar on Intelligence


How come the sum of the intelligence on the planet remains a constant yet the population continues to grow? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Because everyone knows someone who is completely stupid but puts them out of their minds.

Is it obvious to you as well that too many people are educated far beyond their intelligence? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Intelligence and common sense don’t mix. Look at Charles Kennedy.

If people on Earth are so smart why don’t they stop looking for intelligent life elsewhere and educate the unintelligent life here instead? (Contributed by Debbie Davis)

Dr F. Not everybody has the Internet. If they did they would probably still be too thick to log on.

What if the purpose of intelligent life is to get all that carbon back into the ecosystem?(Contributed by Heather Coon)

Dr F. Don’t you remember we tried that once during the miner’s strike but Sir Arthur Scargill buggered it up.

Why is it that Artificial Intelligence is always the other guy’s opinion?
(Contributed by Vanboove)

Dr F. So Professor Stephen Hawkins can blame Freudian ‘slips’ on his voice synthesiser?

Why do humans think they are smarter than elephants or marine mammals? After all, when you think about it, the elephants and mammals have larger brains, they don’t have to work, and they have no reason to worry. Who do you think is the smarter? (Contributed by Becky Solly)

Dr F. Elephants smart? How come they can smell each other at 50 kilometres away but not poachers at fifty paces?

If Einstein was so smart, why didn’t he ever use a comb and some hair gel before having his picture taken? (Contributed by Cindy Moulin)

Dr F. Einstein discovered atomic research. This explains the haircut.

Isn’t the wealth of mankind, the wisdom that they leave? (Contributed by John O’Reily)

Dr F. Yes, Ann Robinson just says, “You are the weakest link, Goodbye” and only then they leave their cleverness behind on the set, and have to fuck off.

Sure you can tell whether a man is clever by his answers, but isn’t it also true that you can tell whether a man is wise by his questions? (Contributed by Mahfouz Naguib)

Dr F. Why is Chris Tarrant about as sharp as a marble, and such an arsehole then?

How come it takes a lot of things to prove you are smart but only one thing to prove you are ignorant? (Contributed by Don Herold)

Dr F. Blair and ‘weapons of mass destruction’ spring to mind. If brains were taxable he’d get a rebate.

Why is it that in the first half of your life, you know it all, and in the second half of your life, you forget it all? (Contributed by HaLife.com)

Dr F. Only at the point your parents stopped doing everything for you.

Without education, wouldn’t we be in a horrible danger of taking educated people seriously? (Contributed by Gilbert Keith Chesterton)

Dr F. It doesn’t matter. Most geniuses forget the punchline anyway.The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

If temporary insanity were real, wouldn’t there also be temporary intelligence? (Contributed by anonymous teacher)

Dr F. This occurs when the computer salesman explains sixteen bit digital processing to you and expects you to understand what the fiddly feck he is on about, but you still nod, as if you knew exactly what the fiddly feck he was on about anyway.

How can we understand when our own comfort is all we think about? (Contributed by Pat F.)

Dr F. Because most people have very strong principles they are simply not prepared to stand up for.

Doesn’t ‘counter’ mean ‘opposite’? If so, then wouldn’t ‘counter-intelligence’ mean
‘stupidity’? (Contributed by Richard)

Dr F. Only if you are served by gormless cretins who give you the wrong change, and then leave it on the bar, in a puddle of beer.



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