Dr Farquar's Case History

November 17, 2004

Dr Farquar on Cremation

Cremation

When someone who’s a deep sleeper dies do we have to bury them deeper than the normal six feet? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. It’s a thought. Maybe we should also cremate light sleepers dressed in a blazer and ‘flared’ trousers just to be sure.

Why is it Mothers advise children into adulthood not to play with fire and then have you cremated? (Fooge)

Dr F. Yes, my Mother insisted I wear clean underwear at my cremation so that the mourners would be impressed with her ‘whites’, little does she know, that I will probably already have shit myself, long before the final proceedings.

Would cremation fail if you died while taking anti-inflammatory tablets? (Fooge)

Dr F. No. But it might, if you died of asbestosis.

If you had mild learning disabilities would it take longer to cremate you because you were slightly retarded?

Dr F. It depends how well you were ‘treated’ when you were alive.

If aging pop star, Cher was cremated, would her plastic implants deplete the ozone? (Fooge)

Dr F. No. But you might have a job trying to get a pair of metal hip replacments into an urn.

Could you avoid cremation with cryogenics? (Fooge)

Dr F. Yes, but it might make your willie look far smaller. Being frozen to prolong your life might be too much of a sacrifice to make, should this happen.

If you are electrocuted to death does it make your cremation a more rapid one? (Fooge)

Dr F. No. But it will be the last time you will be asked, to blowdry your wife’s hair while she is in the bath.

What happens if a fireman dies of third degree burns while on duty, will his cremation save more time than for, say, less charred corpses? (Fooge)

Dr F. Fooge. Why do you want cremations to be quicker each time? Where’s the fire?

Is it so that the electric chair is banned as a form of execution nowadays, and should we be happy about this? (Fooge)

Dr F. I believe this is just a ‘current’ thing. I don’t know why it is banned? I would be happy to serve my sentence this way. My family would get see my little eyes light up.

Do crematorium operatives have mental health problems to do such a ghoulish job? (Fooge)

Dr F. Not generally, but they may already have some burning issues.

As dead people don’t stop dying do crematorium operatives ever get a day off? (Fooge)

Dr F. Yes. On Ash Wednesday.

Where do crematorium operatives come from? (Fooge)

Dr F. Stoke on Trent.

What type of apple do they like? (Fooge)

Dr F. Cookers.

What is their favourite event?(Fooge)

Dr F. Burns night.

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