Dr Farquar's Case History

October 17, 2004

Dr Farquar on Death

Death

Why are some people afraid to die? Why don’t they just not be there when it happens? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Death is for cowards. Put on clean underwear. Stay in bed. Always be sure to say goodnight on a good note.

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Pure alcohol is in beer and spirits but it can still give you the shits.

Is death just nature’s way of telling us to slow down? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. I don’t think so. Dead lazy people tend to live longer.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Some male corpses wear trouser braces, and a belt. So don’t trust dead people, who can’t trust their own trousers. They will always cause more trouble than when they were alive.

What would happen if one Siamese twin committed suicide? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. The other twin would never be able to look them in the eye again. If the other survives, for example, say, in a car accident, they may get to take their test again… but not here…maybe in France.

If there is a meaning to life why do we all have to die? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F. Heaven knows. Do animals think about this shit? For instance if a seal can juggle a ball better than a human why does he need any other porpoise in life?

If someone tells you to ‘get a life’ are they implying that you are in fact dead? (Contributed by Mike)

Dr F. Only worry when people come around and put labels on your crockery, when you take a nap.

Why does it matter who has the most toys when you die? Are you not still dead? (Contributed by Roger Ness)

Dr F. It’s true, ‘you can’t take with you’ but it’s likely your neighbour has all your power tools anyway.

Why should we worry about the world coming to an end today? Isn’t it already tomorrow on the other side of the world? (Contributed by Charles S.)

Dr F. I agree. Timezones notwithstanding, ‘jetlag’ should buy you a few hours before you ‘croak’ depending on which part of the planet you want to die.

How come we go to the funeral home to see the deceased, go to the church to see the deceased, but then put the coffin in a hearse with curtains drawn all around so we can’t see? (Contributed by Jim Adams)

Dr F. That depends if you are left an estate, and its next door’s old Volvo.

Does the word deceased make any sense? If we stop doing something we cease. Put ‘de” in front and it means to undo. So if we decease we should really be starting up again. Right? Confused? (Contributed by Jim Adams)

Dr F. Yes, I’m with you on this. ‘Stainbusters’ came yesterday, to ‘De-shag” my carpet. I wished they had come eight years earlier before the twins were born.

Why is the only form of suicide sanctioned by society when one works themselves to death? (Contributed by Theodor Nickel)

Dr F. Only if you decide to expire during your tea break. Bosses prefer you to succumb to death in your own time.

Why do we always ask, ‘Is Life Worth Living’? Why don’t we ever ask ‘Is Death Worth Dying’? (Contributed by R.M. Weiner)

Dr F. There is much glory in dying for some people. Apart from ‘friendly fire’ that is. Hardly something to boast about in heaven.

More Death

Why do they advertise guarantees on caskets? Who is going to unearth it just to check for defects? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)
Dr F. Exhuming coffins for DNA evidence to do with foul play may depend on how well preserved the corpse is. A coffin ‘guarantee’ is worth its weight in mould.

If you don’t die from it, is it healthy? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr F. Yes, unless you have been murdered.

If there’s Life after Death are we going to die or have we died already? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr F. Good question. Remember, eternal life is for procrastinators.

Why is it that everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die? (Contributed by Harry Hewlett)
Dr F. Lots of people want to be famous but that doesn’t stop them committing suicide.

Is it possible that we are dead now and this is supposed to be the better ‘after life’?
(Contributed by Madelynn)
Dr F. If you can’t tell the difference why not enter the ‘Guinness Book of Records’ for motionlessness.

Why do we call dead people ‘late’? It isn’t their fault that they aren’t there on time. They’re dead, aren’t they? (Contributed by Launia)
Dr F. Dead people will never turn up. Apart from their toes, that is.

When people burst into flames by spontaneous combustion, do they die from being fried or from lack of oxygen? (Contributed by Lacey)
Dr F. It’s just something that happens in the heat of the moment.

Why do people say they are working themselves into an early grave? Is there such a thing as a late grave? Who has ever been in a late grave? (Contributed by Lacey)
Dr F. Some people will always be late for their own funeral.

Is it true that your fingernails keep growing after you’re dead? If so, exactly how long do they grow? If you dig someone up 50 years later, will you find a box full of
fingernails? (Contributed by Miz Bin)
Dr F. It’s hard to put a finger on it.

When nudists die, do they get buried in clothes? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)
Dr F. It is common practise to commit suicide in the nude to save shitting in a perfectly good pair of trousers.

Why do people want to achieve immortality through their work? Wouldn’t it be better to achieve it through not dying? (Contributed by The Duke of Endor)
Dr F. Many artists die without any recognition whatsoever. Especially, if they were badly beaten up first.

Is an ‘estate’, an internet government? (Contributed by The Duke of Endor)
Dr F. No, it’s usually a Volvo.

Wasn’t the moment you were born, the same moment that you started to die?
(Contributed by JEB)
Dr F. This is the principle of entropy. The fact that all around us is dying. How can life
spring from death? Just look at Ozzy Osbourne.

Why do they play bagpipes at police funerals? (Contributed by Cecil)
Dr F. Because, breathalysers don’t make any noise.

Shouldn’t everybody’s goal in life be to die young, but at a very old age? (Contributed by Erica)
Dr F. You are ‘only as young as you feel’. So die, when your arse looks like
a bulldogs neck.

Before the word ‘die’ was invented, what did people say when someone went to Heaven? (Contributed by Valerie)
Dr F. People cannot bring themselves to say ‘die’, in fact, some people never say ‘die’.

How can you ‘turn in your grave’, especially if you were cremated? (Contributed by Janis G.)
Dr F. People ‘turn in their grave’ because of the bad things living people do. Or they are just bored with the view.

If you’re scared to death, will it say that on the Death Certificate? (Contributed by Jim Adams)
Dr F. Not if your shoes are killing you.

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