Dr Farquar's Case History

September 17, 2004

Dr Farquar – On the Ward

On the Ward

Why do paramedics always want to start a conversation with you when you are being cut from wreckage? (Contributed by Pebur)

Dr F. Yes, annoying isn’t it? If they say “Do you live locally?” Just reply, “No, I live in Nairobi… I just came here to die in a road traffic accident!”

Shouldn’t the only people in hospital whose conditions ought to be described as stable be those in the mortuary? (Contributed by Tim Main)

Dr F. Not necessarily. Morticians are nutcases when they get drunk.

To save money should hospitals hire hypnotists to make patients think they’ve had their operations? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

DR F. If you are on a operation waiting list with the NHS there is no need to induce hypnosis. You would have slipped into a coma by this stage anyway.

In a hospital why do they wake you up to give you a sleeping tablet? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F. The same is true when they make you pee when you don’t even know about it.

If you don’t know your blood type when you need a blood transfusion they use Type O blood. Does it make you feel secure knowing that your life may depend on hospitals finding typeos? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Have a spell in bed.

Isn’t it marvelous how hospital food can be made to look almost real? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr F. Surgeons don’t want to see what you had for breakfast. Real food might react with your implants. (Unless it’s a donor kebab).

Just what is it that we have to admit to when we check into a hospital? Otherwise they wouldn’t have those ‘Admitting Desks’ now, would they? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. “Admissions” is a enquiry resource. I use it myself as a Doctor. Only the other day I approached the desk with several admissions of mine. That I once wore my sisters knickers, and another time I lost a Tic Tac up the eye of my penis.

How come the patient furthest away from the nurse’s station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurse’s station? (Contributed by Mr. FBI)

Dr F. When you are waving cash frantically at a queue in the pub do you get served first?

How come each cubicle in hospital emergency areas have a blood pressure tester hanging on the wall by the bed, yet every nurse that comes and tests your blood pressure, always brings their own? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. You are sitting in a tyre fitting station by mistake.

Is the reason you don’t receive hospitality in some hospitals because they are always out of it, like they are out of everything? (Contributed by Valerie)

Dr F. I cannot speak for poor resources at ill-funded hospitals. If you cannot get a prescription ask your teenage children for the drugs you need.

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